50,000 Life Coaches Can't Be Wrong

Great article, Rick.
And I agree- coaching is the essential and often missing piece in the treatment of adults with ADHD. It *is* costly for most, but it’s possible that coaching can be a short term investment for learning strategies to help with organization, time management and all the rest. Medication, therapy and education can only take one so far!
Even in my groups for women, which are incredibly cost-effective, I hear from many that it’s simply too expensive. Yet…my fees are purposely *extremely* low so that it is truly affordable to almost anyone. I’m not sure why, then, that many say they cannot afford $18/month for ADD (group) coaching.
Perhaps we still have a long way to go in educating folks on the benefits of coaching. And your article is a great start!
Terry Matlen, ACSW
http://www.QueensOfDistraction.com
http://www.ADDconsults.com

Hi Rick, I’m interested in being a guinea pig.
*Hi, as a protection measure I have removed your email address from this post. Rick will be responding soon.

Hi Rick!
I self diagnosed when my son was diagnosed at age 6 (2.5 years ago). My husband and I saw you speak in Peterborough last fall and it was cathartic for me. I was so happy and so devastated at the same time for myself and my son. I bought a t-shirt and totally broke down – your wife is lovely and comforting.
Recently, I finally got to the point where I decided that I should be doing for myself the same things we are trying to do for our son to make life easier and have started taking meds. Things are fairly tight these days, especially now with 2 people on Concerta in our house and no benefits, so I have not yet contacted a life coach who was suggested to me. I would love to be a guinea pig for you and see where it takes me. Maybe I’ll get motivated to put aside my change to save up for coaching!

Great article, Rick! And just the perspective I needed…I try to keep myself as well informed as possible about ADHD and strategies for managing it, understanding it, and trying to learn how to find my strengths through podcasts, webinars and reading. Having been diagnosed ‘late in life’ (at the age of 46) I have ‘been through the stages’ – relief, anger, sadness, etc – that I think are pretty common in that situation. But now I find myself so very frustrated – I have worked for years (decades!) in a career that I am ill-suited for, and which brings me little satisfaction – and I am increasingly and keenly aware of the truth of the ‘life is short’ cliche. I have known at some level for a long time that coaching could be the missing component to finding the way to make some real changes in my life, but have always thought that it was too expensive and not something I could afford. I am rethinking that….perhaps it something that I can’t afford NOT to do. Thanks for the inspiration (and I’d definitely be interested in being a guinea pig).

Rick: my son was dianosed last year at 17 with ADD. He took the meds for 2 months and what a relief …transformation. in him. He decided not to take them anymore because he doesnt like the way he feels. He choose to self medicate with drugs and alcohol which has put him in a no win situation with his future in all catagories: family, college and job.
He is so angry at me and his self, I try to help plans for his future but at no prevail. He hates me.
If you could find a coach who able to work with my son, who is now 18 before he ends up in jail and homeless and on drugs. Or “D” all the above. He was such a talented athlete and has been a smart student but always struggled with goals, tasks and self diespline.
Please contact me at [address removed by mod] if you have anyone in the north Dallas/fort Worth area that can help him asap. I appreciate your help…anyones help for a good Doctor/Life Coach
*Hi, as a protection measure I have removed your email address from this post. Rick will be responding soon.

@karalianne — this is what is on the local Disabilities Association website. MOST discouraging.
Dear LDANS Supporter,
It is with regret that the Learning Disabilities Association of Nova Scotia is no longer operational as a Non-Profit Organization. We are unfortunately not able to provide any of our previous services and supports to the individuals and families in Nova Scotia that are dealing with Learning Disabilities and the various challenges and daily struggles that accompany them. With heavy hearts we inform you that the Learning Disabilities Association of Nova Scotia office is closed effective immediately. Some of the programs provided by LDANS have transitioned into the Chisholm Services for Children network of services. Please see below for more information on those programs and for tips to get assistance in other ways.
The LINKS Children’s Literacy Program has been transferred to Chisholm Services for Children and is still in operation.
If you are looking for information on the LINKS program, please visit http://www.chisholm4children.ca/links.
The Blind Date With a Star Fundraiser is also being transitioned to Chisholm Services.
Please visit http://www.chisholm4children.ca/how-can-you-help/upcoming-events for more information.
If you are seeking assistance with the Canada Disability Tax Credit, please visit http://www.cra-arc.gc.ca/disability.
If you are seeking tuition support or additional school supports, please check out the department of education website here: http://www.ednet.ns.ca/families.shtml
If you are concerned that you or someone you care about may be struggling with a Learning Disability, please consider looking for support in the following ways:
If you are worried about a school aged child/youth, you can start by approaching a teacher, resource teacher, guidance counsellor, or administrator at school. They can connect you with a school support team.
You can also contact your family physician or pediatrician for a referral to an educational psychologist at the IWK or another local hospital if you are an adult looking for testing.
You can self-refer to some educational psychologists and learning/support centers.
You can search for the right organization or community service to support you with the help of Nova Scotia 211 service.
Visit their website at http://www.ns.211.ca or contact them directly by dialing 211 from your phone.
LDANS would like to send our sincerest thanks to everyone that has participated in, benefitted from, and helped support us as an organization for the past twenty four years. We greatly appreciate your support and are deeply saddened that we will no longer be a contributing participant in the communities of Nova Scotia.

So, lots of great thoughts here! And thank you for all the kind words.
We are definitely going to line up a few webinars on coaching. Summer time is tricky because most people are on holiday, travelling, taking care of kids, etc.. But I’ll see what we can do.
Kiddos1138, you hit the nail on the head. It’s spending the money on something that you don’t think you’ll follow through on. In our video on Holistic Solutions to ADHD we explore a lot of different things you can do to manage ADHD and reduce the struggle… but creating new habits requires patience, sticking to a routine, repeating something until it becomes automatic… In other words, not how I naturally operate with my ADHD mindset.
For me, what’s kept me going with a coach is the results. It was the same with going to a therapist when my first marriage ended. I went fairly regularly for several years because it made a difference. I was literally hungry for it, needing relief. Even after several years, I always went into the sessions thinking it was going to be a waste of time, or that I should simply figure it out on my own. And I’d always leave feeling much better, glad I went, and certain it would have taken me years to figure out what my therapist had been able to filter out of my babbling brain dump.
So the best advice I can offer, is try it.
Also, for coaching, you don’t need someone in your area. Using any one of several systems we do our coaching via the internet. On mornings when we are low energy Caroline puts on music and has us up and dancing and moving. Other mornings we’re doing meditation.
Macnick, I am sorry that your son is choosing to self-medicate with drugs and alcohol. It doesn’t make sense, when the medication is so much safer and for most people has far fewer side effects. I sometimes wonder if ADHD folks are so used to the chaos in their heads, that the sensation of being focused and present seems boring or that ‘they are boxed in.’
As for finding a therapist, I refer you to our coach’s directory and repeat that the person does not have to be in your area for coaching. For therapy, probably they do. My advice on this is to start with the one person you can control, yourself. Having been through some stuff with my own family members I finally realized that people were going to choose what they were going to choose. I had to accept their choices. And let them live with the consequences. But getting myself into a panic was totally counter-productive. It just ramped up the conflict. It drove them away. It made them more determined to do whatever they were doing.
I’m not a therapist, but I do know that when I simply took care of myself and gave the person who was struggling my support and love, without conditions, things changed. They knew I didn’t approve of what they were doing. They knew the consequences, at least on some level, but young people don’t really get it. Studies have shown they just can’t process the idea that they are mortal. (And judging by how many of us adults are unhealthy and consuming too much while exercising too little, we’re still living in denial.)
The other practice I took on was to simply look beyond the behaviour and get into the persons head. If someone is drinking too much, hiding the booze isn’t a long term solution. Helping them to see what it is that has them in such pain is likely to be much more effective. And they probably know. But to get them to talk about it requires being able to ask, being able to listen, and not doing the two things that I did– ‘downplaying’ or ‘offering solutions’.
Downplaying involves things like saying, “Oh, you’ll outgrow that.” Or, “Everyone loses friends. There are some people who don’t have any friends. You should count yourself lucky.” It’s a bit like saying to someone who has had a salad, but no main course, “Well, there are people in the world who are starving, you know, they don’t even have the salad.” It’s true. But it doesn’t make my stomach stop rumbling and wanting a main course. It just adds a layer of guilt, like I’m ‘wrong’ for wanting a main course.
The joke is, I could dismiss other people’s upsets about relationships ending, or failing at work, or school… and yet when I was that age and I broke up with my first girlfriend or two…. well, my God, I was devastated for years. When it hurts, it hurts. It just does.
The second mistake I made, ‘offering solutions’, is still a pitfall I can tumble into easily. If my wife Ava is upset about something, or has had a bad day, and I start offering all kinds of solutions, it simply leaves her feeling like her upset isn’t valid. Or that she’s stupid for not being able to come up with solutions. Me saying, “Well, you can’t let other people’s opinions get to you,” is so obvious, and obviously too late to be helpful because it has gotten to her, that it just ends communication. I don’t’ have to agree with the fact that she should be upset with what someone has said. I simply have to acknowledge that what was said has indeed left her very upset. And by the way, offering hugs and saying, “Well, I love you.” may not help either, at least not right away. Simply getting that this is upsetting and painful and acknowledging her upset is enough.
And no, it’s not validating that she should be upset because of what someone said. This is the thing I didn’t get for a long time. I thought if I said, “That is upsetting. I can see this has really gotten to you and ruined your day,” that I was sending the message that, “Yes, you should let what other people say upset you and ruin your day.”
She’s a smart cookie. She knows she shouldn’t be upset. But she is. The weird thing, at least to me, is that if I simply acknowledge how she is feeling and what happened she will very quickly move to, “Well, I don’t want it to ruin the rest of my day. I don’t want to let what someone else says control my mood.”
So, this is a long way to say that the best thing you can do for anyone who is struggling is simply love them, without conditions, without judgement, without offering advice, or nagging, or trying to control, convince, or coerce them into something. Because I know it doesn’t work at all on me. And I know enough about human nature to understand that it simply triggers an even stronger push-back.
They become more entrenched. More defensive. They go deeper into whatever they are doing.
Quick story. A friend had a son who was on heroin. Everyone in the family was going insane about it, trying to force him into therapy, rehab, trying to ‘scare him straight’. And my friend simply said to his son, “Listen, I know you will figure this out and I know you are way stronger than this and you’ll be okay. You are powerful.” And his son got off the drugs. And later told my friend that what he had said made all the difference.
It gave him the power. It gave him choice. It gave him confidence when he had none in himself. And as hard as it must have been for my friend to not express all his fears and terrors over the child he loves dearly, he simply came from a place of love. And love means trust and acceptance and admiration.
Does that make sense?

My Smartphone was $85 and with my ADD and direction issues plus forgetting appointment times and such it is an invaluable tool for me, like an extra brain, my little executive. I have a plan through Virgin Mobile which is only $35. This doesn’t compare to the cost of a coach, unless I utilized one once a month. But if I gave up my smartphone I would lose time trying to print and write everything out and then risk forgetting those papers on my way out the door.
A year ago I left a job because of some bullying and narcissistic behavior from my ex-boss (who also was supposedly a friend). My career was derailed and my income has been reduced dramatically (meanwhile a year before I thought I was on track to advance significantly, which I was, but that got derailed). I felt paralyzed and my credit rating plummeted because I was unable to advocate for myself at the time. I don’t think that career was the best choice so in hindsight it all worked out, I am happier now, even in the poor house. I also have a lot of credit card debt due to issues with managing my money and living in a high cost area. But there is probably money in my budget I can “find” for coaching.
I spent 13 years on a couch with a trusted therapist until she started to unravel. Then I had to look at what we’d been doing all those years and I wasn’t happy about it. There is a great article here about “A Christmas Carol” therapy . The therapist shows you your life, you have an insight, and that automatically leads to change. Well studies have shown that is simply not the case. I can attest to this and I blamed myself for not “getting it” all those years, I was furious when I realized what a waste it was. It did make me feel better after a session but it was like a bandaid on a flesh wound.
What works is behavior help and planning. Specific work which is collaborative. The therapist is neither passive nor authoritative. I think this takes a great deal of skill and sophistication. Not every therapist is equipped for this level of complexity. I think coaching can help a lot here because it seems coaches have a specific training and methodology. They are not winging it like it seems many therapists do. Intuition and expertise are good but I think therapists should also be checking with current science and with other colleagues for factual information and practical solutions. I am sure that many do but that wasn’t my experience.
I think that we ADDers have a knee-jerk mistrust of “helpers” since we’ve had experience with people who were supposedly going to help us which didn’t pan out. So it takes a leap of faith to even believe that coaching will work. Then there is the fear factor. “They are going to help with planning and follow-through and all of the stuff that makes my head spin? Forget it, I am barely getting through the day.” It is hard from this perspective to see the big picture.
I think webinars will be really helpful for this. I find all of your webinars helpful. It is difficult for me to read information, especially a lot of it, and a lot easier to learn and retain it from a video. I appreciate this service very much. Maybe we can learn why coaching works, how it works, and see some data showing that it works. This will help us get an informed opinion and perhaps lead to an informed leap of faith that it will work for us.
After what happened with that long-term therapist, my ex-boss, my family of origin… I am loathe to give up any control over my life to anyone else. I thought I needed then to help me organize my life but I realize I have to do it. This is black and white thinking where I am either giving up too much power to other people or deluding myself into thinking I can do it all myself without ever needing any help. So some evidence of how the coaching process is collaborative would also be very helpful.
We need to advocate for insurance companies to cover coaching.
I am willing to be a Guinea pig for sure!

Well I’m 58 , diagnosed 2 years ago and seem to have every apsect of Inattentive ADHD .l Not doing well at all . It’s been very frustrating and costly regarding my self-employed business. Meds don’t seem to work .Would love to be a guinea pig
Lylekelp, Nova Scotia

Pouring out to a voice recorder is a great idea! Thank you.

I am so glad to read about the mistrust and “knee-jerk” reactions many ADDers have to coaching; I thought it was just me. I think there’s a misperception that what we need is someone “to be accountable to” or someone to “keep us on track.” To me those things only feel like more pressure in the pressure cooker that is my life. I don’t claim to know what we/I DO need, but SuzeQuze’s comment about the fear of giving up control and the need for a collaboration really resonated with me. I’m 60 years old (diagnosed in my late forties) and feel like I’ve been struggling to do things the way others do my entire life.
I think Rick(?) has a video about the importance of getting at the motivation. This is part of working with who we are, rather than trying to ‘overcome’ it. I’ve spent enough of my life trying to be something I’m not. I’ve finally resolved to work WITH who I am instead of struggling against it.