ADHD + Personality Disorder: Conflicts shunting you back into childhood.
By Umesh Jain, MD, Ph D
This is an interesting area for me personally as I did my Ph.D. thesis on it and I’m glad that more research is going into this field. I’ve always believed that people with ADHD are likely to have alterations in their personality as they have changes in their development- getting stuck in childhood essentially. A number of presenters at the recent CADDRA and AACAP conferences in Toronto discussed these issues and the findings are consistent- there is a propensity for individuals with high impulsivity to have Cluster B or strong dramatic personalities.
What I found intriguing was the practical problem- ADHD people have difficulties with conflict resolution, which is a direct result of an altered personality profile. In a situation where there is emotional tension, they will avoid the problem by lying or altering the facts or creating one excuse after another. You may have seen Rick talk about this: http://totallyadd.com/excuses. Of course, it only makes the problem bigger and once exposed, they could explode into anger which is often their anxiety being “found out” and trying to blame the other people for the problem (deflecting blame to protect their own self esteem) http://totallyadd.com/immature . What’s worse is that they can avoid problems that have a critical outcome like their taxes, committed responsibilities to others or reports. Reaching out on the phone or talking to their attorney can arouse panic even though they know their attorney is there to help them. When they do confront these relationships, they realize that there was no problem at all. However, they don’t take it as a reminder to challenge the next conflict but instead as relief that they “missed the bullet”.
Avoiding dealing with conflicts, from what I see, is a direct precursor to procrastination and compounding the emotional baggage. When one adds in the mix the symptom of impulsiveness, you can just imagine the ADDer reacting with a lie rather than coming clean and then regretting it afterwards.
I always remind parents that this is not really lying but “defensive lying” to avoid pain and rejection. Still, as adults, the child lurks inside and it is important to address the child’s pain. Otherwise, conflict avoidance continues to be the thorn in relationships, sometimes to the point of destruction.
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PS, I got buttons. we all do. When a person catches me not telling myself the truth, it SUCKS!, but I forgive me. I love me. Heck I even like me. I think I’m freakin hilarious sometimes. I even bust my own gut while rolling around my apartment alone just because I thought up something funny to say!
That is not a lie!! damit!!
Thank you berry much Dr. Jain. you’re an awesome gentlemen. Helping me get honest with myself is a service I appreciate more than word will allow me to… hmmm. you get the picture.
gnite.
Wow, that’s a great article. Makes a ton of sense. While I may not be in the habit of lying to the people in my life, I do still have tendencies to still believe lies I have told myself, or listened to and believed. Untruths are contagious. The more interesting, and the more they seem to make sense, the more contagious these Real Lies become. Just turn on the news or go through a checkout stand at the grocery store. Go read just about anything on the Internet!!! LOL. Or wikipedia if ya really want to get spoofed.
The most destructive untruths that I’ve swallowed are the ones that made me go back into my childhood and re-live much much’! more of the painful experiences than I needed to. This in turn caused immeasureable pain for me and my family. I’ve “gotten in touch with my inner child” and eventually got a little bit healthier. But I wonder if there could have been a shorter, much less expensive and horribly painful way to just grow up and become a man.
Two days ago I started taking 5mg of methylphenidate 3 times a day, It’s too early to tell, but I’m pretty sure by brain is functioning much better than ever. I still have to do the work of learning new habits. Learn to show up on time, gain self restraint, improve how I remember things. Like writing them down for example, and change all the rest of the ways normal people do as they develop into adults. The medications I take are just putting me on an even playing field with the a large part of the rest of my culture. It’s still gonna be difficult to push myself, get up when I’m tired, sore and just don’t want to!. I’m still immature. But less than ever. Medication won’t grow me up. It’s just helping me see straight so I don’t screw up, and bounce off all the “obstacles” life throws at us ADDers, the ones we don’t see that normal people do see. We’re just a little bit too distracted being geniuses and inventing all the brilliant solutions to common problems like the sun going down. (Maybe Thomas Edison decided candles were not a sustainable resource…) Thomas Edison — Inventor (His teachers told him he was too stupid to learn anything) He “may have had ADD” according to this page http://adhdandmore.blogspot.com/2009/01/famous-people-with-adhd.html It doesn’t matter, we think like that, at leas I think a lot of us do. It’s not always fun. Sometimes it’s pure hell thinking much faster, and believing I’m smarter than everyone else. It’s hell thinking that because it’s rarely actually true. It’s just another Untruth, that I have told myself. A lie is such a harsh word. It’s honest though. Can’t beat that. Honesty beats the crap out of suffering. Yeah but… yeah!, butt-head. I gotta quit saying yeah but.
Yes indeed I will grow up, it will be difficult. Especially now that I’m 47!. I will. I promise. But!!!
I plan to have a lot of fun on the way… You can bet on that my fine feathered friends. Tons! of it, I mean bend over grab my butt cheeks, and then…. and say horribly obnoxious things to people who push me to act more mature. ****arrogant immature smirk*** ***Grins n know’s he should quit while he’s ahead******
Crap!! my head hurts!!! I hope I don’t have exploding brain tumor!.
If this is my last post, please remember, I was just joken when I said_________ (fill in the blank with a post I wrote that offended you) oops, another umm. Untruth!! yeah!, dang right!. Heck, I ain’t no dang liar!. I’ve just been wrong a lot. I was supposed to quit while ahead huh?, oh man, oh dang, oh boy…
hmphh.
Peace.
2/29/12
hello Dr. Jain,
I constantly avoid or postpone dealing with conflict from childhood. But somehow i don’t see that myself until someone points it out. Their pointing out is usually out of their frustration and disappointment with me. When they confront me at this situation i tend to blame them for something like not understanding my ADHD problems and tend to defect blame or devalue them say by bringing up issues that i don’t like about other person. Mostly they are to do with low self-esteem and being self-occupied 100% of time trying to do every thing perfectly but I often worry that this behavior is of narcissistic personality disorder. How do i know this is indeed with ADHD and not a personality disorder?
Hi Doctor Jain;
You have accurately described a member of my family who at 49 is stuck in childhood reactions and defensiveness and blame shifting.
Beyond describing the condition, what can a person do to turn the ship around and break these habits of a life time? Or is that even possible if the behaviour and reactions are so ingrained after ?
There are certain things that the meds have helped with over the first 4 months since diagnosis. I can see that this personality stuff will be the slowest going. I hope hope hope that by having less to hide, less to fail, the defense mechanisms will begin to fall away. But… when it’s all said and done – who am I? So much of what I though was “me” was about damage control and trying to compensate. Trying to act like the smartest, hippest, most generous, accepting person in the room – for what? So my impending screw ups will be forgiven? Take all that away, and there is this peaceful feeling, yet somehow, a void… Doing the dance of avoidance, and marketing myself in a way where to make mistakes is an intentional act of entertainment… that has been a major past time. What’s next, I don’t know? hopefully something better? Has to be…
You know, I spent most of the first half of my adult life floating around in pain like a ghost, just trying to cope with overwhelming emotions and basic functioning. Then in the last half, chronic insecurity and feelings of alienation. So I have long felt that there is something “missing” in me – a sense of self, a solid identity. It’s gotten better with age and with marriage and children. I used to lie a lot more, reflexively, about stuff that didn’t matter, or find myself pretending to buy into other people’s agendas that I didn’t agree with. I will still hide information to avoid conflict. I have a secretive side, but I felt I had it to protect myself, to have a refuge, which I might not need with stronger boundaries, or might not need if I felt I could rely on my own judgment. It’s exhausting. But I see all of those emotional problems as an outgrowth of having ADHD, not a facet of the ADHD itself – trying to deal with being constantly overstimulated, overwhelmed, confused, and out of step with the expectations and abilities of others. I see the emotional problems as a result or by-product, not as an integral part of how my brain works.
Suppose what you say is true, and we are all irreparably “immature” or emotionally delayed. So what? What then? We can only be who we are, and finding more reasons to make who we are Completely Awful compounds the problem. At what point does pathology become the new normal? Especially if it is something that truly can’t be fixed or changed. Is this more than another reason to think of myself as damaged? Does it serve a purpose?
Understanding and defining ADHD should lead to constructive solutions – not just provide us with more reasons to feel bad about ourselves.
Well-said, “Defensive Lying.” People always say, “I just LOVE children! They are so honest!!” NOT! I have never seen a kid who would not first lie (defensively) when confronted with an accusation; they want to avoid unpleasantness, and don’t realize that it will undoubtedly trip them up later, if not sooner. That’s the part parents and teachers have to teach them: that’s it’s better to own up and “face the music” rather than to lie and put it off. Still the temptation is always there for adults, too, to try to wiggle out of an uncomfortable place.
Well, this *would* explain why I’ve always felt like a kid, and why I can’t picture myself being married or having kids.
It would also explain why people think I’m only 27, when I’m really 42. (Of course, inheriting great skin also helps!)
Well that’s me , 53 and still doing it .
But i must say that since i have been on my drugs its a lot better .
Counseling is working to .
The problem is still that long list of things to do .