Storm Chaser or Storm Creator?

One thing I’ve noticed about my ADHD is that when I have it managed, and I really start firing on all cylinders, or at least on more cylinders that I’m used to, I get into the zone. It’s good. But there’s a risk.
When I finally have things it handled, I’m running not late, not overdue or behind with things, nothing is owed, no one is waiting, and I’m not behind the 8-Ball, it feels… unnatural. Like I’m slacking, or something. It’s not exciting. The agitation I’m used to isn’t there. And I confuse agitation with motivation.
Once I stop procrastinating, and just complete things–calling Mario at the car dealer to about replace the windshield, finishing a video on medication, getting a workshop ready, putting together a proposal for a second documentary about ADHD–then I start feeling good. Very good. There’s actually calm and a feeling of accomplishment.
It doesn’t feel good for some reason.  It’s not familiar!
So I start taking on more. I start making new promises. I dip into the “Backburner” file which has a thousand projects and half realized ideas…
The idea of taking a break, enjoying the accomplishment, and unwinding… just doesn’t occur to me.
It’s like riding a bucking bronco, and then suddenly ending up in a monastery… The calmness feels unnatural and I miss the crazy ride.
Sure, I feel great that I’ve finished all the urgent stuff on my plate. For about one minute. Then I recall I have a half dozen plates of other urgent stuff I’ve simply given up on, or forgotten about, or written off. Or I jump into stuff that’s not really important, if actually I stopped and thought about it.  I don’t.  I just need to be doing.
I understand the concept that one will always have things to do, and will never get everything checked off one’s To-Do list… unless they have a very small life, zero friends, no responsibility and no involvement in anything other than eating and sleeping.
But sometimes once I’ve had a success, or a few in a row, there is a feeling of peace. Calm.   (Deep sigh and a big smile.)
This is the reward.

But I can’t seem to savour it.

It doesn’t feel like real completion. More like the eye of the hurricane passing over. A temporary respite. Because, I guess, I’m so used to the next crisis.   So rather than savouring the fact I’ve delivered on what I promised, I’m bracing myself for the next battering of stuff, the next storm of urgent calls, long hours and missed deadlines…

It’s like those people who get addicted to chasing down tornadoes and recording them on video. Storm chasers. If spend most of your life standing in the whirlwind for too long, it’s hard to appreciate any other way of living.

And that’s a shame.