The Courage to ‘Come out of the ADHD closet’
One of the compliments Patrick McKenna and I have received is about our ‘courage’ in going public about our ADHD.
I have to tell you, the first few times someone said that, I positively glowed.
But the more open I have become about it, the less ‘courageous’ it has seemed.
Honesty has always made my life simpler. More authentic. And less lonely.
That’s right, less lonely.
And if you’re totally successful at hiding it, so no one knows you have ADHD, or whatever, then you’re left with a feeling that no one really knows who you are.
Secrets require walls. Walls keep people out.
All they see is the mask. So when they praise you or thank you or appreciate you or even love you, it’s not very satisfying because you know they are praising the mask, not the ‘real you.’
You feel like a fraud, and people who love you never get to know who you really are or what you are dealing with.
So they can’t support you.
You could argue it protects you from hurtful things. Hurtful things are overrated. If you keep it a secret, the people who are going to judge it and dismiss it never get to spew on you, it’s true. But then you never get the opportunity to hear their spew, nod, and then enlighten them with the facts about what this is, and what it isn’t. So they never have a chance to grow.
My experience is that it’s easier to be open, honest and state what the truth is. Hiding, covering up, protecting, pretending, acting as if nothing is wrong… It’s exhausting. For example, let me tell you about my friend, Christopher. Several people have used the term ‘coming out’ about their ADHD. Borrowed, of course from the gay community, who started ‘coming out of the closet’ about who they were. The result was… liberation. And Gay Pride.
My friend Christopher was like a blonde John Cleese. He spent the first 26 years of his life hiding the fact that he was gay. Can you imagine what it was like in Christopher’s head, every minute of every day? Brutal. No wonder he was always frowning, always so careful, always so guarded and cynical.
When he finally came out of the closet, pretty much everyone was, “Yeah? No kidding. I wondered. Wanna go get something to eat, I’m hungry.”
No biggee. In fact, it was a relief for all his straight friends who’d been trying for years to hook him up with a nice girl.
Of course, Christopher was hugely relieved! He smiled. Sometimes for hours at a time. He visibly relaxed every fibre in his body. He didn’t have to be ‘on’ and ‘pretend’, going through every day of his life ‘acting.’ For the first time Christopher actually seemed to relax.
Sure a few people were upset. His own father, call him Morris, said, “So you’ll never have a son?” And my friend said, “Well, it can be done, but it would involve a woman who is a surro…” and Morris, clearly upset, cut him off with, “If you have a son, and he turns out to be gay, I will never forgive you!” It turned out to be one of the last things Morris said to his son. Nice.
As Christopher later pointed out, it was slightly ironic for Morris to threaten him over having a son who turned out to be gay, since Morris himself had a son who turned out to be gay. Wonder if he forgave himself?
So yes, Morris was a dick about it. But Morris was a dick about a lot of things.
My experience is, people are who they are despite circumstances.
That said, there’s still a ton of misinformation and wrong-headed beliefs about what ADHD is and is not. So you don’t have to tell everyone, you have to be careful. It will get easier when more people get better information.
Me, I’m interested in liberation and, hell, call it ADHD Pride.
Hmm, maybe when enough people have ‘come out of the ADHD closet’ we’ll have an ‘ADHD Pride Parade’. And everyone will show up late, or on the wrong day, or at the wrong place. It’ll be great!
14 Responses to “The Courage to ‘Come out of the ADHD closet’”
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I WAS DIAGNOSED A FEW YEARS AGO, BUT I DIDNT PAY MUCH ATTENTION TO IT,
((HAHA) NOW aFTER SEEING YOUR SITE I SURE AM NOW, KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK ,WISH I DIDNT LIVE SO FAR AWAY
Thanks Bob! Remember that you can access our monthly webinars from anywhere – here’s the link to take part: http://totallyadd.com/webinars/
I have just recently joined the totally ADD members web site in the last few days and have found it very reassuring and informative after reading the content and the blogs posted by other members to see that i really do share similar conditions,traits and issues that other members have had to deal with in their lives and not just because some highly qualified health professional tells me, but because i can relate to some off the stories posted by other members.
After recieving the diagnoses i felt so much relief due to the fact that for the first time in my life someone that i was talking to could actually understand and make sense off what had been happening to me in the past.(My Physcaitrist)she has been an absolute god send.
Then came the anger the hurt and the resentment that i felt towards other people in my life who were allways quick to judge me in the past and pass negative comments but never took the time or interest to try and help me,then i managed to reason and deal with it ,if i could not understand why my life was so difficult in a lot off areas in the past then how could these other people around me even possibly begin to understand what was going on.
I am a 42 year old male that stumbled upon the possibility off an ADD diagnosis after visiting a medical web site for depression and looking for other possibilities and illness that were closely linked to my symptoms/situation/lifestyle as i felt that my GP was wrong with her diagnosis off depression she had been treating me for almost 7 years on and off with various antidepressants cipralex / prozac these medications did help my memory improve and did lift my mood and control my temper to a certain degree but it never helped with the fact that i always got bored easily with almost everything that i got involved in,i never managed or was willing to complete anything that i started if it took to much time ,i always remained impatient and totaly disorganised even till present day.
I pushed my GP to refer me to a Physciatrist ,best thing i have ever done for myself ,after 2-3 visits and consultations she diagnosed me as suffering from ADD and i was eventually put on concerta extended release this did help but not as much as i had hoped after reading the information booklets that accompanied the medication ,one major negative issue that i had with this medicine was it made me even more agressive and argumentative towards other people it did make a difference to my motivation and my memory however the one thing that i was really concerned about was the fact that i felt it had made me a little bit more hyperactive and according to my doctor this should not happen in ADD patients it should have the opposite effect it should calm them down so right now i am even more confused about the whole situation.
Has anyone else had a similar experience on this medication?
I have had MRI scans done ,thyroid function tests lots off blood tests i have consulted with neurologists,and GP i have been on antidepressants on and off for over 7 years just to try and improve my basic functioning, the only thing that makes any sense at all was that i could relate to almost all off the symptoms referred to by my phsyciatrist.
Here is a brief knock down on my past if there is anyone out there that has had similar experiences or believes that i could be suffering from something else then please let me know .
Complete failure at school ,teachers comments on my yearly report cards every year “john is easily distracted and distracts others could do better in class”
I was married at the age off 23 years then divorced at 28
Then i remarried again at the age off 30 divorced by 32
Emigrated to another country at 33 years off age as i could not settle and felt there was nothing for me in my own country(scotland)only misery and more problems.
Married for the third time at the age off 36.
Whatever employer i start working for i feel the job is good and very interesting at the beginning and then 2 years or so into it ,i become familiar with the same faces and routines everyday even driving the same roads and routes drives me crazy,i then loose interest and motivation and look to move on this really has been the story off my life.
Its like when you buy a new car at the beginning you are allways washing it looking after it cleaning it admiring it taking pride in it then you get bored of it start to loose interest, cannot be bothered taking care of it and feel that you need to change it ,for a different model.
I just hope i really have found the answer and that it can be medicated and i can start to get some motivation and focus in my life.
Its embarrasing when i have to call up my wife time and again and ask her what is the pin number for the bank atm machine,or where did i leave that very important document
that i was suppose to take with me when i left for work this morning.
I am constantly looking for my car keys also ,the very poor memory and lack of motivation really destroys me.
John
As a parent of a young son who has ADHD, my first instinct it to protect him, to hid his condition, to make excuses. But, as you point out, the more open we are about it the easier it becomes. Not long ago he was in a summer day camp program and at the end of the day, the counselor came up to me and said, “Matt had some problems today…”. After hearing out the explanation and talking about what to do about it, I mention that he has ADHD and that makes it difficult to focus and listen sometimes. The response… “I have ADD too, so I understand. Maybe tomorrow we can find a way to work on it when he has trouble listening.” The point is that if we are willing to talk about it, so are other people. And when we talk together, we can find ways to help.