The Hardest Habit To Build? Building Habits

Bills ADDventures, ADHD HabitsBy Rick Green,

I’ve mentioned recently that at my lowest moments, despairing, I thought, “I wish I’d never been diagnosed.”

That’s not true, of course. Having an explanation for some of my challenges, an explanation that I can work with, has been hugely helpful.

My despair wasn’t about being diagnosed. It was that, “I tried to make changes. I tried to follow an organizing system. And I failed. Again. For a while I had hope that things were transforming! But obviously it didn’t last. And once again I’ve failed.”

I didn’t try hard enough to break my old habits… Which I also know is not true.

In fact, you cannot break old habits. You can’t just tough-it-out, and you just can’t try harder.

You can only create new habits. And then old habits will fade… slowly. It’s why people with a drinking problem will tell you they will always be an alcoholic. They know the habit is still there. It’s why they have prepared a Plan B. And a C, D and E for when they feel the craving. They’ve consciously created new pathways, new habits, so that when they’re triggered they don’t turn to the old, familiar solution in a bottle.

Instead, they call their sponsor. Sometimes they attend a meeting.  Others pray, and some people read.

They have better options available.

They give themselves better choices. Choices that will become habits.

IT’S A JUNGLE OUT THERE. AND IN HERE

Good habits? Bad habits? They’re the same thing. In your head, anyway.

Think of habits as pathways in a dense jungle. The more the pathway is used, the clearer, faster, and more attractive it is. It’s automatic. The go-to route. Why hack your way through the dense jungle when you take the well-worn, familiar, reliable, well-developed path. It’s fast. Easy. A no-brainer. (And your brain is using so much of your bodies energy that it deliberately creates habits to save time. Who needs to learn to tie their shoelaces every day. When you first learn as a kid it’s a struggle. You have a poem to help you, “Right over left…” Now you do it and carry on a conversation at the same time.

YOU DO WHAT YOU KNOW

A habit becomes path of least resistance.

But if the pathway leads you to disaster? Ah… There’s the rub.

Then, my friend, you need a better pathway. You have to create a new one. That’s not easy, to pioneer a new path, a new way forward, a fresh course for your life. It’s unknown territory. Unfamiliar jungle. Full of tarantulas, vipers, and crocodiles! (Okay, the metaphor might be stretched a bit thin.)

Replacing old habits with new ones takes time.

The first step is to actually catch yourself, before you follow the familiar, easy, go-to route. You have to consciously choose the new pathway, using it over and over again until it becomes stronger, while the old habit fades away.

That takes perseverance. And patience. (Not exactly our strong suit, right?)

For all of us, whether we quality as ADHD or not, this is how we build new habits. We create new wiring. The wiring gets stronger the more it’s used. And eventually shows up in new behaviors.

Repeat and repeat, until it becomes automatic, and the old habits grow weaker and weaker. Still there. But less tempting.

SORRY, MY BRAIN DOESN’T DO HABITS

With ADHD building new habits it’s doubly hard. Patience. Perseverance. Doing the same thing over and over again, the same way? Good luck!

We love novelty.

I used to design a whole new daily organizer every week. I spent hours creating these amazing designs. And minutes using them. And milli-seconds remembering I’d created them… and then hours creating the next brilliant ‘Daily Organizer.’

But creating habits is not impossible. What can make it easier? Well, medication helped me. Frequent checking in with Ava and Jimi and my coach keeps me on track. Making lists. The master calendar that covers a whole wall in Ava’s room. The white board with this weeks’ tasks. The calendar app on my phone. And so on.

MY 3 STEP PROGRAM

Building Habits at Work, ADHDAll of these tools and strategies started with three simple actions. Without those, I’d still be lost. The first key? Getting diagnosed. Knowing that there was a neuro-developmental reason for my struggles with money, paperwork, organizing, and over-sensitivity.

Knowing helped me let go of the negative beliefs. But it didn’t still get my taxes done on time.

The second step? Getting educated about what ADHD is, and which of the symptoms were most impairing to me. In our book ADD Stole My Car Keys, we lay out 155 ways ADHD impacts adults. The behaviours and misbehaviours. The erroneous beliefs. The low-self-esteem or misplaced confidence. The risk taking and self-medicating.

Figuring out my ‘flavor’ was fascinating, but challenging. Self-assessment is seldom our forte. Heck, I didn’t think I was a worrier. Or that I talked too much. Or that I interrupted…

Figuring out my flavor is actually ongoing. Now and then I recognize another way that ADHD affects what I do, or love, or hate, or avoid. And ADHD is situational. Having a thousand thoughts is great when I’m writing. It’s a problem when my wife wants to talk about something that’s bothering her, and says, “I just need you to listen.” (Would pretending to listen be okay? No? Darn.)

OKAY, I CAN SEE THE PROBLEM. WHAT’S THE SOLUTION?

The third step?

That’s finding the tools and strategies that work for me. And this too is an ongoing process. It’s situational too. Using a planner that breaks my day into 15 minute chunks works when I’m doing a score of small jobs. It’s perfect.

But that planner was useless when we were editing 30 hours of expert interviews about ADHD medications down to five, hour-long programs. Every day was the same. I didn’t need to manage time. Just keep track of almost 1,000 separate clips that made it into the final video.

Speaking of medication, for me medication made such a difference that I assumed it was all I needed. It wasn’t.

Yes, medication helped me focus. But it didn’t advise me about what to focus on. I could be very busy indeed, and have little or nothing to show for it. And so it was easy to focus on doing trivial things. Or worse, feeling like a failure, like nothing had changed…

A year into the process I finally understood what the doctors had been emphasizing about medication, “It helps. But you need a holistic treatment plan.” In our video, The Holistic Solution to ADHD we explain that yes, for many people medication can level the playing field, but you still have to go out on that playing field and play. And play to win.

NO WONDER ‘TRY HARDER’ NEVER WORKED

Of course, none of this would have happened without the diagnosis.

Which is why I no longer regret being diagnosed. And I rarely if ever wish I was ‘normal.’ I like how my brain works. And mostly it works for me.

In ADD & Loving It?!, Patrick McKenna noted, “Well, I’m never bored.” Growing up I was never bored either. But I was often frustrated, furious, stuck in a confusing and disheartening morass of guilt, shame, and despair. With zero hope that it could ever be different.

And then I was given the good news, a diagnosis…ADHD.

Whaddya know!

I’m low on Dopamine–not short of courage, desire, or good intentions. It’s neurology! Not morality!

And suddenly I could see that a lot of my bad habits were simply ways of coping with my undiagnosed and unrecognized ADHD. The challenge for me was, and still is, to create better habits and let the old habits fade.

3 Replies to “The Hardest Habit To Build? Building Habits”

  1. Thank you. I really needed this. I’m on meds now, still trying to find the right course /meds but unfortunately there is little to none therapy or coaching available here for adhd adults. Luckily there’s your site. Thanks

  2. Such a confession and well said!
    I am so familiar with ADHD, with my husband, stepson, son-in-law and now grandson and when I was a full time teacher it was my specialty.
    My husband is my first hand case and together we live with it every day.
    Your site has been wonderful for him. Does he do anything about what he learns? No he doesn’t, he is ADHD.
    But just wanted you to know how much he enjoys it and what a comfort it is to be reminded that this is a condition, and not his personality!
    It helps me too, but I must confess. He finds ALL of the Friday funnies, funny. Sometimes I just don’t get them so must me an ADHD thing. You speak his language.

  3. Hey. I’m new here. Not so new to ADHD. While seeing this in myself, I now REaLLYYY recognise the traits of it in my sister. She doesn’t want to hear anything about it. *Her roll of the eyes, heavy drop of the hand on the kitchen table and her expression of “Just because you have it doesn’t mean everyone has it….”

    I’m writing to ask all of you for support. Awareness, new habits, new and shorter lists help me. Online research, blogs posts, and friends made via these sites have balanced me. She has commented on how my life is more orderly.

    Is there a way to engage someone who you care about greatly to fill in a form, read an article or two online, agree to a review from a physician? From a large bankruptcy, start up to start up, business after business, special project after special project for our small urban town, there are links to what I see as ADD/AdHD.

    Now, she is thinking of a surgical method to cut down her eating. She just let me in on this just yesterday. I asked her, “Do you want my opinion?”

    Again, “Just because you have it doesn’t mean……” Her resistance is linked to the disdain for a parent.. (Disdain is mild term) That My research to know more has shown this diagnosis to be genetic is totally nixed. Surgery? What cha got? Any ideas?

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