Re: Finding a consultant – extremely upset and confused. I feel like a failure.

[Tiddler]

Trashman, I realise just how often I’ve felt angry with people but always denied it to myself – because usually anger manifests as tears for me because I ‘don’t know where to put it’ (the anger.)

Deltakingcrab, I’m really glad you posted. It has helped me no end to read all these stories and realise how many people are out there going through similar things to me.

And thank you for appreciating how hard it’s been to get a degree and have a family. We have a very happy marriage, so I suppose it can look very easy to others, but behind it all there is a failed engagement, 2 failed live-in relationships, one of whom was very abusive, plus another abusive relationship, bulimia, OCD, compulsive eating, depression, anxiety, IBS, a spell of illness caused by stress and overwork that nearly cost me the degree and I can’t count how many jobs along the way.

From small things like going to work in still wet clothes from the washing machine clothes or turning up at work in odd shoes (!) to huge things like dropping out of school, dropping out of several night classes and losing friendships it’s just been flippin hard!

Re setting up a support group – I tried that (to help my son who has some special needs too) but I didn’t do a good enough job. I was sending emails to the few people who said they wanted to be involved and no-one was getting back to me, then I got a mail saying if I wasn’t interested, they were going to go ahead and do it without me, which I was really confused about. Until I realised that I’d been sending the mails out wrong and only I was getting them. I haven’t had the heart to look to see what it was this time that I screwed up!

But the upside is that other people are doing it and, presumably, I’ll be able to take my son along when it happens.

So it’s definitely worth a go if you feel like you’re up to it. Maybe you can get it far enough that other people will get involved and then you can let them know you can’t manage alone and see what happens?

Plus, I think you can be kind to yourself now. You know what’s been going on, you’re starting to find out and get help and things will change. I’ve decided to just let the chaotic, impulsive, forgetful, inattentive girl inside me burst free for a while just to see what happens. Trying to keep it all contained has only made me ill so what is there to lose?! So no more beating myself up over it – at least for the next few days…

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