Re: ADD and Drug and Alcohol Abuse

[Anonymous]

I was in a 12 step program. I even went to NA, I did not feel comfortable there at all. Like you said but not to cause any arguments or bad feelings with anyone, I found that a lot of the people at NA were criminal like ( kind of sneaky not negative aggression like me ). I went to AA because I thought that was my problem. I did the 90 days 90 meetings 90 sponsors. I learned that these people do the steps to keep there craving at bay. Once I stopped drinking I never wanted to do it again because I realized that I hated the stuff but I could not stop it ( not the norm for AA members ). Like every-other thing, I always fall into patterns of complete commitment to whatever it is. I went there for 1 year, everyday, I help chair meetings helped coordinated them, I attending all of the business meetings, led a class through all of the steps and did the steps 2 times with different sponsors. It wasn’t but I do get addicted to anything. Including Lemonade, exercise, fishing… anything. Once I start, I can’t seem to get away from it. I have always been that way. It has been a major problem all my life. I tend to say far too much to people ( I’ve heard many many times ” You tent to speak your mind and your too open about your opinion” – it tends to be very negative and aggressive ). My lying is not to hurt anyone or hide who I am it is more for making excuses for why I was late or why I did not complete something ( almost everything ). Regarding your 4th step, my first 2/3 were blank ( I didn’t feel like I did anything wrong, I was just a kid looking for something to keep me busy ) mine regarding anger was 60 plus pages long and I had not even scratched the surface. My sponsors and people at the meetings could not under stand me. I told them that I could write negative feelings non stop until I die and still not be finished. A few of the more reasonable senior guys that deal with people at the prisons and recovery centers including my sponsor told me, “your not like us” you should get tested for ADHD. I was also getting bombarded about it from my kids school(s). My point to this is we are different from them. I think that there is a great deal of overlap with addiction ADHD ( mental illness ) etc… I think that is why we have a hard time getting to the bottom of who we are. The Internet, even though it is filled with lies, has been a great source of personal discovery.

I have gone through a bunch of online books and videos. I think if you have an addictions problem this kind of learning can help you but if you are like us it won’t. I have tried all of the ideas meditating the whole bit. It helps a little I think but if I’m not thinking of any of those tools at the time … forget it. Even if I do think of them at the time I can’t use them because I tend to fall right off the edge. I have tried and tried. I will always try but I don’t feel confident that things will change without some kind of lobotomy or something. My late Father, one of my sister’s and I are duplicates of each other with regards to the anger. I feel bad for my Father now knowing that he went his whole life without knowing and my sister however she will never listen to anything about this. It’s a shame. Things have a way of working themselves out, Not the way we want but life just seems to happen whether we like it or not. Like the Stones say, “you can’t always get what you want but you get what you need”.

So many things to say but not enough time to say them in.

Okay I’m going to shut up now.

John

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