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Re: ADD, rage and cross cultural parenting

Re: ADD, rage and cross cultural parenting2012-09-02T21:57:05+00:00

Post count: 14413

Hi ipsofacto, thank you so much for the reply. I appreciate the suggestion about the videos and the book, and will check them out. My husband is culturally Buddhist so although he does not practice maybe he will be more open to that approach than Western psychological methods.

You nailed it about our daughter; she is 12. I am aware that ADD can develop in the teens and have been keeping an eye on her. I do see some minor symptoms. She is easily frustrated, highly sensitive and defensive, and has difficulty making friends. She says that her mind races sometimes. On the other hand, she is very successful at school, good at organizing her homework, and treats her friends well. I think the average American would consider her a pretty normal pre-teen, maybe a little sharp at times. But you may be right that her ADD tendencies, even though minor, may be contributing. She certainly is more defensive/easily upset than your average child, which in turn upsets him.

It goes deeper too. He feels very rejected by her. From day one, she was a momma’s child. Crying was one of his rage triggers, so when she was tiny and cried often he could not parent her, it was too hard for him when she cried. He also checked out for years with a pretty severe depression. My guess is she sensed all this somehow, and has never felt comfortable with him. He is trying now to establish a relationship with her, but she doesn’t really trust him. He senses that but doesn’t understand why, so blames it on her and of course my parenting.

He has “forgiven” us both for the most recent blowup related to her disrespect and my intervention. As far as he is concerned, everything is hunky-dory now. But its going to happen again unless he accept that his rages are caused by his inability to regulate emotions and not by our actions. As a husband/father with ADD, do you have any advice about how I can approach him with this? I have tried in the past, and he always rejects it. He says if only I don’t intervene – or if only our daughter doesn’t do ABC – etc then things will be fine. But there will always be something, and I have reached the end of my rope. I don’t want to live the rest of my life knowing that roughly once a month we will go through emotional turmoil.