Re: Angry? it all just comes from nowhere

[Anonymous]

Well as much as I relate and like to share the pain, my goal is breaking that patten in my life.

I liken my self to a yappy dog when I get frustrated. That dog that barks at everything that goes by, doesn’t seem interested in walking on a leash but would rather fight it every step of the way pulling the poor owner down the road. Why does the dog do this? Because those that are responsible for teaching him better ways are failing to just meet his needs as a dog and the unintentionally reward this behaviour by responding to it. So I’m the dog, frustrated because those around me have not taken any responsibility for their part in the problem. What? That is how people respond. You have ADD/ADHD, you think different, you have to deal with it. I am, thank you for the support. What they overlook, miss, diminish is that they can help influence my ability to work with this instead of fighting it by simply remembering that it is in their best interest to learn how to interact with someone effected by ADD.

Asking better questions is something that most people don’t get. My wife is notorious for this and is completely oblivious to why it is a problem. An example of one of those questions… It’s 7:00 AM, I’ve been at work for 10 minutes, she and my kids have just woken up. Our oldest daughter hurt her ankle in school yesterday and we had decided last night to take her out of school and to get the x-ray so we know there is no break. We planned to have grandma take her for the day but hadn’t heard back before going to bed, and the option existed for grandma to take my daughter for the x-ray as we both work, grandma is retired. The phone rings and the conversation goes like this: “So mom called and she can take K, can you pick her up on your way home?” If this were a simple Yes/No question I would answer No, but as it is really about 6 different questions that my wife needed to ask and get clarification on before that question should be asked. By assuming, taking a shortcut, not giving something a little thought before throwing the question grenade the fall out is huge, and I’m the one that doesn’t think ‘normally’. HAHA

So for family of ADD’ers consider how you communicate before calling us out. What are you projecting on to us before you ask the question? What assumptions are you making about us that is incorrect? Have you asked about our intention or was that assumed? What about motivation? Are you placing external pressure on us to get things done or are you appealing to the intrinsic motivation we all have, to do what we enjoy doing and make it enjoyable for you and us? By not considering these things we all lose as they are skills we all need to get better at.

So what questions would have been more constructive during that 7:00 phone call? “Are you making any stops on your way home?”, “How long do you think that will take or do you think you will be home later then the school bus comes?”, “Would you have time to pick up your daughter on the way home or would that make you late for the bus as your other daughter isn’t old enough to be home alone nor does she have a key to the house so you need to be there when she gets home?” It lets us know what you are thinking about, have thought about and are asking us to think about with in parameters that are laid out clearly and don’t require assumptions or for us to figure out what you are really asking. Part 2, don’t change your mind at the last minute without telling us. Once you and your’s have agreed upon a plan, respect that changes will require tremendous effort as an object in motion requires more energy to change direction then to continue going forward and to change the momentum takes effort in the form of understanding why. If you as the ADD’ers partner are not willing to put in that effort, don’t expect the effort from the other side to just be there. If you don’t respect my needs I can’t respect your needs. I will keep doing the basic things, things that work and will chip in and help when and where ever possible, but when you need something important to you to be given the attention you expect don’t be surprised that the ADD’er ‘forgot’ because it simply wasn’t important because you have made them feel unimportant.

A favorite line when my wife and I disagree on something and it about something important to me that she isn’t seeing the importance in is “I’m not being defensive.” I have likely pointed out that most sentences have started with “I didn’t….” or “It was because” or “No that’s not why I didn’t do…..”. IMHO the person interested in not being defensive replies to “You’re being defensive” with, “Sorry, I didn’t realize that. Can you help be understand how/where you felt me being defensive so we can talk through it in a better way?” We can’t learn without asking questions. Too many people assume and don’t ask, get it wrong and make things into something that never needed to happen in the first place.

Serenity now!

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