Re: Commitment

[Anonymous]

My ADD husband worked for the same employer for his whole career. He told me that once he saw the pension benefits, and how long he’d have to work to achieve that, he knew he’d stay with that job, he knew the exact day he would retire forever. He has a very good government pension.

I have had over 20 different jobs in my life. I’m the one with commitment problems like you. I’m basically a child who never wanted to grow up.

For me, I think the problem is that I am subconsciously afraid that I will totally screw up if I commit to things. I used to be irresponsible financially (but now I don’t make financial commitments). I no longer take on jobs where I have to take on a lot of responsibility, either for finances or for other staff. I’ve been in management before and I’m terrible at it, although my ego wants me to take on these types of jobs. I always think I’m capable of more than I’m really able to do, am good at bs-ing my way into jobs, but then get hung up when the rubber meets the pavement. So even though I’m afraid of risk, I take it without thinking of the consequences.

The thrill of a new job motivates me, but once I have to actually follow rules and show up on time, I start to feel like I’m restricted and need to get out. I hate performance evaluations and any kind of criticism. I wish i could have had a business mentor to help me understand the way things work in the corporate world, to help me learn how to communicate better. One of my bosses called me a “rebel” because I refused to participate in some idiotic management training.

The perfection gene in me also plays a role, I have to do things so perfectly that it takes me forever to complete things because I have to go over and over things in case I’ve made a mistake. I am afraid of being humiliated for making mistakes. So I tend to work a lot of overtime to get things done, and that makes me resentful, that I do “more” than others but don’t get appreciated for it. I also see things very black and white, not the same black and white that others see, so it’s hard for me to change my opinion or way of working.

I also having trouble focusing my attention during regular working hours, so I don’t feel that I’ve gotten a real day’s work done, and that also contributes to the overtime drive.

I now work for myself, doing a lot of different jobs in my own business, all of my strength areas. It’s interesting, uses my energy & creativity, and allows me the flexibility to work the hours I want (which can be long or short, depending on how I feel or on the sales requirements). I can still waste a lot of time at work though, and still feel like working long hours, but the meds help keep me focused and I can stop without the urge to keep going.

I think what has helped for me is the motivation of $$ (I blew all of my savings in a few years when I “early-retired” from my last best job as an accounting supervisor for a big Japanese company), and of needing a steady job doing something I enjoy with flexible hours. I also want to be able to take time off whenever I want to in order to spend time with my husband. I can’t stand being pigeon-holed into a 5 day work week.

I’ve worked for myself before, as a freelancer, but did poorly at it. With this current business, I did start to run into familiar problems, and with the help of my therapist (and starting on meds for ADD), I’ve been able to look more deeply at the issues (aka patterns) surrounding my symptoms (lack of commitment, procrastination, distractibility, family conflicts, etc) and instead of ignoring them, bring them to the forefront so I can feel when they start to take hold and not let them override me. It’s a combination of meds (for the brain deficiencies) and behaviour modification (for the patterns that have derived from the deficiencies). Not easy but worth it.

ADD is part of the problem, but not the whole problem. I’ve got years of bad habits to overcome too.

Rambling post, sorry!

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