Re: deeply sad,full of regret

[nellie]

Well where to begin?

Your post is very touching on so many levels and certainly brought a tear to my eye when I read it. From an ADD perspective though it really underscores so many lessons.

I have done exactly what you have, and still do, that is not make the effort to connect with family and friends because the more pressing demands of daily life are standing in front of me and demanding my immediate attention. For that is part of what your current experience so poignantly demonstrates to us. The deeper lesson here is “life is short” but how on earth is that something someone with ADD can truly understand until they are forced to on an immediate basis -such as when someone dies unexpectedly?

It is not uncommon for those with ADHD to have issues with deeper connections with others and it seems like a viscous circle. We tend to deal with things when the adrenaline rush of time constraint is involved and the reward is close at hand. Long term plans with friends are far too vague. Birthday party on Friday – no problem deciding.

Please know you are not alone in what you have experienced and take the time grieve for your friend. Really – allow yourself to be sad. There is no escaping the feelings of grief and as much as we with ADHD like to avoid and procrastinate, this is one of those things we must deal with.

Perhaps your friend has given a gift far more reaching than one would imagine – from reading your post and identifying with your experience it brings home to all of us the need to act now on the bigger things in life.

There’s a book by Sue Welch called 10-10-10 ( or maybe it was Cathy Black) anyway.. .the title represents the question: How will I feel about this decision in 10 minutes, 10 months and 10 years? It is meant to highlight the value of a decision in the short and long term and how to prioritize.

I have family members (a mother and daughter both now deceased ) who might have made use of that equation. They had unresolved issues and while they spoke on the phone occasionally ( they lived at opposite ends of the country) they really never connected with one another. When the daughter sent the mother airline tickets to visit her , the mother told her she couldn’t come because she had to do her taxes and all sorts of other inconsequential “stuff.” They didn’t see each other for at least 5 years. One day the daughter was killed in an accident. The mother flew across the country to retrieve the body in less than 24 hours. I’m sure the mother, who died several years later as well, never recovered from the guilt.

So, g.laiya, so sorry for how you are feeling but thank-you for reminding us to stop to water and fertilize the garden so that we may continue to have the pleasure of smelling the roses.

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