It’s almost 12am, the beginning of the end. Of what, you say? My finals week. Urghh.
I’ve decided I enjoy Calculus, though I’m starting to be more of aware of what I’m not aware of…. if that makes sense. In the last two weeks of my classes, I’ve sat front and center of the classroom, to 1) Ensure that at least I’d trick myself into being more alert, and it made it harder to glance at my cellphone without thinking, “NO. pay attention, for at least another minute!” 2) It provided better vantage points for white board/chalk board photos! (An accommodation I’ve never used before. I mean, hell, I’m utilizing all of these things for the first time…)
Physics, however… I don’t know if I’m not cut out for this sh*t OR if I’m just insanely bored with an ineffective teacher, and no study skills to speak of. I mean, after rereading that, I’d definitely admit the latter… but, really, the answer could be BOTH..? 
With ADD, interest and ability kind of mesh together, don’t they? I was rock climbing with a classmate yesterday, and we were both bemoaning our Physics experience this semester. She’s an Architecture student, and I’m a Sci/Eng general studies student (really can’t declare anything more specific at this point).
I said, “I’m sick of, ‘two ladders are leaning against each other, label everything, how much friction this, how much force that..'” She said that, while she’s having a tough time with it, that she does find this stuff interesting. She pointed out that my lack of interest does indicate that I may have to look more deeply at why I’m doing what I’m doing, or something to that nature. This was frustrating to hear.
I like black holes, neutron stars, space exploration, kuiper belt, etc etc, but do I have armchair enthusiasm or ADD enthusiasm?? They look the same!! I just wanted to tell her, “Nooo, this is different. You see, I’m always unsure of what I’m actually interested in because that’s precisely the problem.” I bounce around, and it -stresses- me out. I mean, I don’t wish to be overly sure and compartmentalizing like so many people, but DO I wish I didn’t feel so undecided and fuzzy all the time. It really does a number on my self esteem.
It’s the story of my life. I’m interested in everything and nothing, to the point of paralysis and future-always-out-of-reach. I’m interested in something for 5 seconds, or however long it takes to get the gist of it, and I’m already on to the next thing. Even if I learn to really embrace the Jack-of-All-Trades identity, I still have to build a stable history in whatever that is to be hired. All I want is a good job (for me, that means intellectually challenging and exciting – tough bill to fit), some income (not tons! not pennies!), and time for my personal life (lovelife/partner, weekend “expeditions,” occasional vacations, time after or before work to go to the gym, and time to do nothing at all but space out,). It seems as though my interests draw me into things that are ALL-consuming, and all I seem to come up with is not enough discipline, focus/passion/interest.
How many of you have dealt with this in choosing a major/career? I mean, all of us, right? Sometimes I just wanna blow up for not figuring this out already. I mean, sure if I graduated college, entered a career, and came back saying, “You know, I really want to do this…” but I’ve had one foot back in school SINCE I graduated, it feels like, with no answers. Ok ok, yes, I was diagnosed with ADHD-I in this timeframe. I did learn *something* about myself. I am hoping this is the key. Everything has been so.. elusive for the last decade of my life. Ever since I graduated high school.. no, even before that, it’s been a blur of long hours of work to get things right and keep up (HS experience), to, why am I doing this — self-sabotage?? (Uni experience), to, I’ve got to make something out of myself (post-Uni experience), to, can’t I even get a little taste of, “arriving?” cos I feel like I’m just eternally roving and underachieving (struggling with how and why I’m going back to school, as I’m almost 30 without much of a cohesive work history, wanting an “adult” life, building incremental stability for myself and to be a rock of support to my girlfriend, sharing the fruits of my labor).
I haven’t even mentioned how ADD affects our relationship… because I’m not sure what effects it DOES have yet. We’re new to this, and, I also didn’t mention that she was diagnosed with Panic Disorder last year… hoo boy, we are quite a match. That’s the front and center issue going on right now, and we are currently long distance as she had to make a change to take stock of her life. It’s been 3 months so far. I’d imagine if I was the hyperactive type, that we would’ve melted down as a couple already. But assuming I was, perhaps I would’ve been diagnosed sooner? Who knows. It’s been hard, and we’ve already had a few starts and stops, though, for various reasons, but we’re still together. Working on better communication has been the theme, and I like it. Miss her right now…
Anyway.
mrsaa – Medication. Yeah. I don’t have health insurance. That means I’ll have to find those 3 psychiatrists for my 3 opinions on my own dime. Pennies, rather. Followed by the medication.. Not cheap. I really don’t know how this is all going to happen, but I’m feeling more and more now that I should do whatever I can to pursue it. Who else is NOT insured??
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