The Forums › Forums › For The Non-ADD › I Married An ADDer › How to succeed in a marriage when one spouse has ADD › Re: How to succeed in a marriage when one spouse has ADD
The thing that’s often missing for the spouse, or partner or boss or whatever of an ADHD person is having a powerful context for trying out new things.
I mean, it’s probably not hard to convince a husband to try out a new position in bed. Cause he figures there’s going to be a payoff. In fact, there’s no convincing needed at all, right?
Have you ever wanted something, a car, or an outfit, or a Blackberry or a trip somewhere. You wanted that thing, badly. You read all about it. You looked at it. You asked people who had one. By time you got to the car deal or computer store or travel agency, the sales person didn’t have to ‘convince you’ of everything. You were sold. You might even have had to hide your enthusiasm, cause they might overcharge you. I mean, if it’s a car, you’re spending tens of thousands of dollars. And you don’t need to be convinced. You know how great the car is gonna be, how much you’ll love it, how much fun it will be to drive…. and so on.
So why do you have to convince your partner to do something?
Obviously there’s something missing for them. They don’t think they’ll love it, or it will be fun, or helpful or worth the effort.
So convincing a partner to take on some of the great suggestions here may be hard or impossible because the reasons you have aren’t good enough for them. Or they’ve never really had the possible benefits explained to them. Or they may have all kinds of beliefs that since stuff hasn’t worked in the past, why should this be different? The question to ask is “What would they want? What would my partner want? What would make them excited?” What’s in it for them? Sure, they want you to be happy. But there has to be more than that. I mean they could give you a billion dollars and that might make you happy, but that’s not likely enough motivation to rush out and try and become a billionaire.
My wife likes spending time with her family. So if I suggest that working late tonight means we can have more time on the weekend to see her family, well, then she’s totally onboard working late.
Does that make sense? The thing is that when we want something fro our spouse, we focus on what we want. What is it your spouse wants? I’ve found I’m way more effective when I start there.