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Hi Karen,
I have actually watched two people in important positions in my workplace who are like you and your boss learn to work together effectively. One is a brilliant but notoriously verbally impulsive and frenetic department chief (with major ADHD) and the other is an equally brilliant, methodical and thorough, doesn’t-suffer-fools-gladly director who reports to that chief. It was visible hell for both at first.
What I’ve observed is that the chief now comes to that director often for sober advice and for help with work-related problems that require extra patience. The director has adopted kind of a subtle “loving parental” demeanor toward the chief, and it is clear that her skills are at the chief’s disposal without judgement. The director seems to enjoy the role of wise advisor and good-naturedly shakes her head at the chief’s antics now the way my grandmother used to shake her head at me when I put my raincoat on inside-out as a kid because I liked the colour of the non-slicker side better.
I can tell you that your boss needs to know more than anything that you are there to support her and to feel that your presence helps her to be more effective. If you can get her to trust you, to perceive that you accept her and see good things in her, to feel good with you and to feel that her weaknesses are gladly compensated for by YOU, you will become indispensable to her. You have the capability to either drive her around the bend until it ends badly OR to show her that you are in her corner and that she needs you.
Do be aware that, as someone with ADHD, your boss is extraordinarily attuned to your tone of voice and every nuance of your body language, and she *will* somehow pick up on every silent put-down that runs through your head. Think of her like you would a young person, if necessary, to ensure you are imparting patience and supportiveness in your interactions with her. Ponder what her weak areas are, and decide that you are going to offer help (in a form that makes her look more effective, not less!) wherever you have the opportunity to do so.
This can work. I’ve seen it. Let us know how it goes.
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