Re: I don't know what to do with my life

[Anonymous]

sdwa & lanakila000, as a woman, it seems like in a really strange way to me that there are more expectations to get thngs done, like a “supermom” these days. unfortunately for my husband, he got the short end of the stick. i don’t think i will ever be that overachieving PTA mom that I envy. they seem to have their sh’t together. you know what happens when i even attempt it? it’s like a novice juggler throwing all his balls into the air in all different directions and then not being able to catch but 2 or 3 if they are lucky. WHEN am i going to GET better?

sdway, you hit it right on the head: One thing I know for sure is no assortment of calendars or planners will ever work for me, no lists or post-its or bulletin boards…because I’m a visual/global thinker, not a linear thinker. Trying to do it the methodical way is like a left-handed person trying to use right-handed scissors. Why do it the hard way? i’m not sure if i am a visual/global thinker myself but if that book helps, i’ll try. i have little scraps of paper everywhere when i try to write things down. it just makes things look more cluttered.

i’m just so tired of myself. i feel like life has just passed me by. my marriage has been strained for a long time now. i’ve known him since i was 21, i am now 40. i don’t know how to motivate myself anymore…. so that is why i am here. to vent and try to better my life and really deal with the little things that have snowballed out of control. i’m at the point where sometimes i just stare at the wall trying to figure it ALL out … most of the time, while frantically trying to vacuum, clean, do laundry, look for work, pay bills, all at once. since i end up just starting and not finishing, it looks even more messier. i end up cleaning the same spots over and over in my house while the rest of the house gets dusty and real dirty. i’m just so disgusted with myself right now.

i’m so nervous about trying to medicate myself. i’m going to do it behind my husbands back because in that end, i have no support. we’re not at the point where we are talking divorce, but i’m finding it harder to just talk to him like a person and communicating is key in marriage. i used to do it better when i was younger but the desire to even speak is just so hard for me because i know he does not , or will not or cannot understand. that’s why it feels like a brick wall. so i figure that if i medicate i can start being more productive, which he will notice and be once again happy, and when i see that he is happy, i will be happy and more inclined to communicate. i DO have the desire to “fix it”, not like I don’t. I will also start doing things more once i feel like i have control of my own life. this sounds like a pipe dream but it’s my next best plan. i don’t know how else to proceed. it’s funny because i can communicate better with people i don’t know than with people i’ve known for years. people that i’ve known for years just openly think that i’m a flake and that kind of hurts because to new people i’m always trying to be a star…. is that insane or what? doesn’t always work because they end up figuring out that i’m a flake or a boob or a moron anyway.

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