Re: I just don't know

[Anonymous]

Well I have just gotten over the flu, and haven’t taken medication in a while. While off I have noticed some differences. After the 2 day crash of nothing but being tired, my good old reliable energy kicked back in and so far I have noticed some differences compared to while I was medicated. First off, I have been just dropping things more frequently, tasks I was doing say for example, collecting the laundry, ended up a pile somewhere in the house when I got interested in something else. I have been tripping over my own tongue more frequently, mixing up the first letters of words with the one following, putting them in random order, little things like that. It never fully went away but it was less frequent. It seems that no matter if I’m on medication or not, sleep eludes me, as I usually run off 3 to 6 hours a night easily. Today I’m running on 2 hours and still am quite fine. I still haven’t been able to make any progress on studying, it just seems so impossible for me, I can hardly get past the first sentence, and the only time I can do any school work at all is when it is due and I no longer have enough time to finish it. I hyper focus a great deal, especially with computers, games, and novels. I would sit down and do nothing but look at pictures on facebook for 6 hours straight without hardly even blinking, and not realize where the time went. I have trouble breaking off from things, I know I should be doing something different, and say things like, ok after this one lets go take care of the houseplants, or “you know since you are on the computer, why not do your assignment” but i bypass it all, people giving me reminders, alarms, bedtimes. It drives me crazy because if I could just exert myself, even a little at something useful, I could go further, do better. I’m doing well in school, still 80’s and 90s, but once i get to the challenging things is where I worry about. If I can’t study, there’s no way I will be able to get through this. I’ve already tried many times, and I do enjoy it. I love working with my hands, setting things up in labs, but when it comes to the studying, my brain rebels. It is so painful to be able to read a 900 page book in a day and remember practically all of it, to turn around, break out a text book, and not be able to get through one page in 30 minutes, or to fall asleep while trying. Sorry I’m all over the place with this, I’ll answer a few of the questions and stop rambling for a minute or two.

First off, thank you Distractomom, I was incredibly happy to come back here and see that someone had posted, I know it seem’s silly, but for no other reason than that you replied, you gave me a little more hope.

With food, I have allergies, I am allergic to raw fruits and vegetables. But I don’t really have any sort of a set diet, sometimes I hardly eat and do nothing but drink lots of water, especially with the pills I am on, other times I will eat anything and everything I can get my hands on. I will do my best to try the reduced sugar, the rest may be a little harder, Im in school from 9 to 5 every day, then when I get out I rush around, and end up cooking something fast for supper, though sometimes it gets put down for fast food. I will look into the diet and try to change it. I know sugars arnt the best, and I have done a lot to get rid of how much I do take in, though pop always works its way back in. I love caffeine, and I don’t even know why, energy drinks usually put me to sleep in about 5 minutes. I don’t usually write or talk in run on sentences, I could ramble quite easily, but I was lucky with the school I grew up in, and small classes and dedicated teachers really helped, Because of that I am usually pretty good when it comes to grammar, and my parents got some manner deeply embedded in me, so instead of asking the questions I want to when listening to someone, I don’t and usually forget them. I day dream though much of it, always with one foot in the clouds, but part of the reason why I don’t really talk much is I have trouble hearing people. I don’t understand it much myself, if there’s quiet, I can hear very well, down to being able to hear an alarm clocks leds lighting up and turning off. When out in a public street or in a mall, I have to get people to repeat themselves over and over again, because I only catch pieces of what they say. It drives my girlfriend crazy, she is very soft spoken and doesn’t look at me when she talks to me, just keeps looking ahead, or doesn’t get my attention before she starts talking, so I hardly hear anything she says the first time.

I can’t say I’m constantly shifting positions, but I do put myself in odd ones, sitting on my legs, arms wrapped around one knee which my chin is resting on. People give a 27 year old odd looks when he is sitting with both knees up to his chin in a desk and not moving. I do keep my fingers moving a lot, and run through piano songs in my head while my fingers play along. When I was younger I certainly was hyperactive, but it’s almost as if when I started marijuana, the hyperactivity dropped greatly. I never did it during school and only one weekend in a while, but I wasn’t chasing people, doing stupid things, or generally making a nuisance of myself, as much anyway. When I sleep, I always sleep with one arm under the pillow, one leg cocked up to make a triangle, and if it’s just me in the bed, I don’t move until I wake up. I never remember any dreams I have, and it seems like I blink and it’s gone from night to day. I feel more rested, but i don’t have any more energy than if I slept for only 2 hours. If anything I am more groggy than anything else. I am generally a calm and collected person, but little things can just sometimes set me off for no good reason. My son spilling his juice on an otherwise perfect day makes me furious, though only for a split second. It doesn’t happen often, but it’s always there. I feel so frustrated these days more than anything, frustrated at all the people who were able to pick one thing and make a career out of it, and me back living with my mother after breaking up with my sons mother. I hate knowing that I can understand anything I want, that I can learn anything, if only I could apply myself. I have picked up a huge and odd variety of skills, but they all seem to be pointless things. If it’s important, I can’t focus on it, but if it’s redundant, I can hyper-focus? God it’s so aggravating

Thank you as well Rick, Sorry I never mentioned it sooner, but your comment meant a lot to me. I understand what you mean by how it can all get overwhelming. For me what makes it that way is I have to try and get everything as close to perfection as possible. I hate leaving things until I have given it the best of my ability, but if I stop before I finish, I never get back to it. How do you force yourself to do the important things, even 5% at a time. I would feel like nothing was getting done, get frustrated with how long it was taking me to do everything, and probably throw it all down to find a book to immerse myself in, or go through countless facebook pages. Half the time I wander around looking for something to do, but not wanting to do anything.

God I ramble too much sometimes, sorry to leave so abrupt but I have to get back to school before I’m late.

Thanks again!

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