Re: My wife is leaving me because I am not “Passionate”

[sdwa]

Hi EJ

I am so sorry to hear of the problems you are having.

Personally, I do think much of what you describe could be ADHD-related, not perhaps that that matters very much, other than that I would caution you against taking to heart the message that you are “passive-aggressive” or “wrapped up in yourself” or “not passionate.” I think many people with ADHD have heard similar comments, and we may be perceived as self-absorbed, irresponsible, lazy, indifferent, etc. because our minds are just…someplace else…and while certain patterns of behavior may be viewed by others as selfish or malicious, there may be no ill-intent and even very little awareness that there is a problem.

Obviously I don’t know your fiance or your situation, but what you describe sounds so familiar, I wonder. Not that you wouldn’t have to work it out with her, or with anyone, but that it bothers me that people are so quick to assign negative motives when they don’t understand our behavior – and many of us diagnosed as adults tend to continue to judge ourselves in a very negative light over patterns of behavior that have nothing to do with ethics and everything to do with plain old brain functioning.

For the first third of my 20+ year marriage I tended to take my husband’s behavior personally, but gradually I came to a point where I realized that whatever he does, it is not about me, but is just part of who he is – he was that way before we met and would be the same with anyone else. After that, the dynamic between us became less about me reacting to his state of mind or actions, and more about me knowing what I wanted and needed and being able to ask for it without blame, resentment, suspicion, etc. Seems like people tend to be more enmeshed early in a relationship, and to view one another more as vehicles or obstacles to satisfying an emotional agenda, and less as separate individuals, and thus negotiating around emotional issues gets complicated, because it’s like talking to the ghost of the other person’s collected life experiences instead of addressing the situation at hand. But that’s a whole other non-ADHD-related level of relationship dynamics.

I think it’s worth it for both partners to learn as much about ADHD as possible, so as to separate what is and what isn’t about the ADHD, and to know for yourself what is ADHD and what is something else helps a lot, because it tells you what you can change and what you can’t change. When you know what you can’t change, it is easier to accept them and find ways to work around those things.

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