Re: Successful ADDers annoy the h*ll out of me.

[sdwa]

I understand what you mean. The central message of the phenomenon of the Successful ADHDer is that you’re a loser – an even bigger loser – if you haven’t figured out how to parlay your extraordinary ADHD abilities into financial success. I even get that kind of pressure in my ADHD “support” group where we’re all supposed to just cheer the hell up.

But on many levels, the ADHD Success bandwagon is not much worse than the non-ADHD parallel that says rich people are rich because they worked hard and poor people are just lazy. We know hard work doesn’t guarantee wealth. Lots of people work like dogs and don’t make much – and many people struggle all their lives, working two or three jobs, and not because they’re lazy. Or stupid.

I am a blue-collar worker, but I never knew what I wanted to be when I grew up, and didn’t really plan for a career, so I don’t expect to be earning a lot of money. But I have struggled with low self-esteem, chronic feelings of isolation and alienation, lack of direction, lack of ability to make sense of my life, hopelessness, emptiness, wandering like a ghost. I think people who have the outward trappings of success can struggle in their relationships and with the energy it takes to get through the day. I’m lucky enough to have a stable and comforting marriage, but all through my twenties I was alone and thought no one would ever want me. I thought by now I’d have figured out how to earn some decent money, but I haven’t. I’ve never been able to figure out how other people do things – how they know where to go, what to do, what steps to take, etc. Now I’m getting on towards the age of 50 and it’s kinda late to be starting a career, as people my age don’t tend to get hired – are instead being laid off because we cost too much.

Even so, it is never too late to learn new things – and at your own pace. I had a great aunt who went to college for the first time when she was 84. She lived to be 103-1/2. She went because she wanted to learn, not because she wanted to be “successful” (whatever that is.)

I’m at the official poverty line, and aside from wishing I could fix the broken stuff in my house, and wanting to be able to retire, and make sure my kids have some security…I don’t feel lack of money impacts my life that much.

I wanted recognition for a long time. I wanted to be good at something, to impress people. I don’t care about that any more, because I figured out knowing who I am and what I value is what I really wanted the most.

Plus, I’ve known “successful” people who weren’t happy because they felt like they didn’t have a purpose, and that recognition didn’t feed them internally the way they thought it would.

But I’m with you, with regard to – well, a lot of self-help, “positive thinking,” motivational types of messages – obviously, if you could wave your magic wand and transform yourself into a Wizard, you’d already BE a Wizard and you wouldn’t need to.

For myself, I find that it’s helpful to understand ADHD, and to address related emotional issues – but at the end of the day, there is nothing as good as getting the brass-tacks kind of practical skills to deal with it. Unfortunately, there is not much out there that helps with ADHD on that level. Lots of theory, lots of psychology (some of it quite good, like Gabor Mate’s book “Scattered”), lots of directions and good advice, as in Barkley’s “Taking Charge of Adult ADHD” but without a methodology for carrying it out. People don’t get it – if I could figure out how to implement this stuff, I would have done it already. Progress has been incredibly slow for me.

One book I like so far (crappy title, helpful content) is called “Four Weeks to an Organized Life.” It has very concrete, specific exercises, which for me have yielded actual results (for the first time, I was able to get stuff done – and this after nine months of coaching and six months of support group and the reading of all the big name ADHD books, which are good but didn’t tell me how to do anything.)

Just know, you’re not alone. I understand the frustration and despair very well. Not to mention the disgust at seeing a whole industry blossom around this problem…and other people making money off of my desperate attempts to get help. It’s hard sometimes to keep resentment from creeping in, but who does it hurt? I don’t want to be in the ADHD rock star club, and I don’t need the T-shirt. I just want to make my life work. That’s why I appreciate the professionals who do offer real help and have something useful to say.

I’m realizing the problems I have with ADHD are not going to go away, but it’s OK if I live my life anyway, in spite of being “different.”

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