The Forums › Forums › For The Non-ADD › I Married An ADDer › Survival in an ADD relationship… › Re: Survival in an ADD relationship…
Assuming that those with ADD aren’t going to get diagnosed, take their medicine, change their behavior, etc. and it is up to others in the relationship to try to cope, I’ll offer insights I have had based on my reading and experience.
About myself, I have not been diagnosed, but maxed out the self test contained elsewhere in this site. Since my son has been diagnosed and there seems to be a strong genetic component, I must have ADHD to a greater or lesser extent. The other element which I feel definitely comes into play is that I have an IQ that has been measured in excess of 150. Apparently, people of higher intellegence are often undiagnosed. For example, if in school, I could manage to pay attention for five or even ten minutes in algebra class, that was enough for me to learn the material and do average work. I perhaps didn’t do so well in English or history where the material wasn’t repetitive, requiring me to pay attention for the entire class. “So he does good in the classes he likes.”
One thing that disturbs me is that “ADD is not considered a ‘disorder’ unless is has a negative impact on ones day to day functioning.” I feel that is like saying if your leg is broken and you can hop around ok on the other, then its not a problem. Prior to my son’s diagnosis and reading about ADD, I would have attributed my problems to IQ. For the most part, the combination has worked rather well for me. ADD has me jumping around to a huge variety of interests (into which I’ll not go) and the other allows me to gain an above average proficiency in each. I obtained a computer science degree and worked about ten years with computers. I quit the job and got married at around 33 years of age to someone just as independant, set in her ways, and stubborn as I. Then took some accounting courses and passed the CPA exam passing all parts the first time. I blew off being a CPA fairly soon after taking the test and later started a business. When I got tired of working, I hired others to do my job and distracted myself with other things.
While I have been successful with respect to work, I have difficulty with people. Fortunately, I suppose, working with computer, numbers, or machines does not involve relationships. I’ve seen posts in this site and elsewhere that are uncanny in how well they describe my situation.
In review, I find that the hyperactivity aspect has changed for me. Prior to the age of eleven or so, it was “classic.” Then, I suppose due to negative feedback, my mind began to channel that aspect into more productive outlets. Now my fidgeting is directed towards (at the risk of getting the guys in trouble) loading the dishwasher, washing clothes, or some other trivial but useful task. This kicks in pretty hard when my wife is pissed at me, the dog, or the cat. If I am otherwise unoccupied, and can avoid the computer, I’ll try to occupy myself with some such task. So now I’m thinking that all you non ADD people could make a “fidget list” for your ADD spouse containing short but useful tasks around the house. Anything taking over five minutes might be too long for the easily distracted. Tell them it would make you happy. It doesn’t need to be done now, just whenever. PS Don’t get your hopes up.
I have also found that the distractability, forgetfulness, screw up easy tasks seems to have increased lately. I don’t know if I am more aware of it now than in the past, have more to juggle, or am truly getting worse. I have, due to my businesses, about forty different financial transactions to make throughout the month. When it was just a few bills, I could manage. Now, I have a spreadsheet with months across the top and transaction ordered by due date along the side. This has been a great help to me in determining if something has been paid and the amount of the payment. Its an item on my Windows desktop. I also have five or six alarms on my iPhone to cue me to take out the trash Thursday night, make daily bank transfers, etc. It doesn’t necessarily occur to me that the trash needs to go out just because I’m trying to cram a empty potato chip bag into an overflowing trashcan. Lists seem to help, but my wife will not make them and I forget to chech the ones I make for myself. Perhaps a “check my list” alarm on my iPhone sometime in the future would help.
In view of the above, you can pehaps see why I’m posting on the Survival in an ADD relationship forum. While ADD and high IQ get me by and perhaps are even a good combination in some areas, its defintely a “double Trouble” type deal in relationships, the absentminded professor with ADD. Somewhere on this site I think I saw mom-of-six. If her husband has ADD then half her kids, or more, probably have it. Those that don’t, pick up the traits like a bad habit passed among dogs and the poor woman is then in the minority. ADHD is the norm and she is the freak/crazy one. I feel your pain mom-of-six. My wife gets onto me for things that my son or daughter have done and I was either “zoned out”, didn’t see, or like “what’s wrong with that?’ Hey ADD guys, how many times have you heard this, “Don’t play stupid with me.”? I don’t want to imply that we argue and fight all the time, we don’t. But sometimes instead of going to McDonald’s its like going to the “argument shop.” “Mmmm Today I’ll have argument #6 with a little sarcasm and lots of profanity. And throw one of those breakable things.” Can I get a Witness?
Well, I’ve wasted enough time sitting here for today. If this helps anyone, let me know and maybe I’ll write more. I’ve got some books to read that may help coming from Amazon. As you can imagine, with ADD, reading can be hard for me and I don’t like to do it. The ironic thing is that I have about ten bookcases full of books.
Good luck guys.
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