“Does anyone else find that you need to know what time something is happening, or you can’t function? For instance, if someone tells me “We’re going out!”, I will not be able to do or start anything until I know exactly when we’re planning to go out. Not knowing when I’m supposed to be doing something that I know I’m going to be doing can be extremely stressful, not to mention inconvenient if I have other things I want to do and can’t even get started on them…”
Yes…and I *don’t* have ADD!
“Could this have to do with inability to tell how long things take, or to do with the discomfort of being dragged away from an activity once we’re into it?”
It could, and it could also be one of a hundred other things. I have friends who have anxiety disorders who become paralyzed when they’re asked to lunch on the spur of the moment. If you ask a day ahead of time, they’re fine. I know people who’ve left abusive relationships who need to know specific times because it’s part of them re-establishing control of their own lives. I think most people would consider it common courtesy or clear communication.
“Also, how do I explain this to my partner who is having great trouble understanding it. What kind of compromises are possible here, given that he has problems <i>giving</i> a set time for something? It has been an issue in the past, and I’ve tried suggesting that he just give me an arbitrary time and try to work toward that, but to let me know if things change (giving me a time to plan for an him flexibility for things taking longer than expected), but he can’t seem to do that.
Any ideas? Advice?”
-Spend some time reflecting upon what you need in this situation and how you feel when this need is not met. Do whatever it is you need to do to focus your thoughts while reflecting–draw it out, write it out, color-code it, talk it out, set a timer, whatever you’ve found works best for you.
-Brainstorm three potential solutions to the situation: best case, worst case, and halfway between the two. Have fun with the “best case” and “worst case”–blow it out and make it as unrealistic as you want, or plan it down to micro-details if that’s your thing. Get that out of your system, because when you talk later with your partner, you’ll want to go with your “halfway between the two” suggestion.
-Communicate with your partner in a quiet time and place about this when you are both feeling calm.
-Being careful to not be accusatory, use “I” statements to present your information to him. I need ___. I feel ___ when this need is not met. I think ___ is a solution I would like to try. What do you think?
These are some of the things I do to organize myself, and keep my Significant Other and my coworkers–some of whom are known to have ADD/ADHD, others who are suspected of it–apprised of my whereabouts:
-Use an In/Out board
-Give them a printout of my calendar for the month
-Post a sign on my chair stating where I am and when I plan to be back
-Leave a note
-Send a text message stating that I have departed or am en route
-Depending upon the task, I use both personal and shared Microsoft Outlook calendars at work, and I use appointment reminders on my cell phone calendar.
-For those instances when I genuinely don’t know precisely when an event will begin or end, so I am careful to use words like “about” “around” or “–ish” when stating the time and then give myself 15 minutes’ grace either way.
When I’m talking with one of my coworkers who has ADD or ADHD, I try to:
-Keep it in ‘sets” of two or three points/requests/steps
-Expect an interactive conversation rather than 1-way communication
-Resort to one-way communication only when necessary, and then do my best to keep it down to 2 or 3 minutes, max
-Go with an example in lieu of an explanation…even if it means an hour’s worth of prep time on my part to get the example ready, knowing that they’re going to look at it once for maybe 5 seconds before they get my point
By the time I’m done with work, I’m too worn out to remember these things when talking with my Significant Other. 