Jellybean —
first, let me say that I am so terribly sorry for all of your loss and pain. a lot of important insight has already been made, but if I may, I’d like to echo others’ encouragement that you find a capable, empathetic therapist with whom you feel comfortable (and, eventually, safe).
I spent eight years working with the same doctor. I can’t site sources in particular because… I have pretty much no academic research skills whatsoever… BUT “studies have shown” and I have experienced first-hand that just having someone to listen with empathy to our stories and suffering not only allows emotional healing, but it also creates **new neuron pathways in the brain** that enable us to more effectively manage similar emotional stress in the future.
without the help and support of my doctor, Clare, I am certain that I’d never have graduated college, and there is a real possibility that I would be dead – not to be morbid, but, the truth is that in my early 20s after enduring my parents’ long-over-due divorce, the death of my grandfather (who lived across the street all the while I was growing up and was one of the *very* few steadfast people in my life), and a lifetime of living with the violent rage of an alcoholic father who *hated* me for speaking about my own experience of sexual abuse while he suffered alone in his memory of being raped (until finally he snapped and *screamed* at me to my face that I knew nothing of misery) — I began experiencing uncontrollable hallucinations of my own death. I was a shell. a zombie. it felt like maybe death really was the only escape.
without the healing I experienced in those 8 years working with my doctor (it’s not a fast process), I can easily imagine that I would have given up entirely.
obviously the particulars of our suffering differ – but from your writing I imagine that its intensity is similar. it is true that in life we will always be faced with pain, loss, and disappointment, but, at least for me, therapy was a way to not only heal the wounds of my childhood, but also deal more successfully with the trials I face now. it helped me learn how to articulate my emotions in ways that made processing and responding to them much less difficult – and less painful.
for me, ADHD has always meant that in order to stay engaged with what is difficult I very often require consistent 1:1 guidance and support. in the same way that my Grandpa sat with me through every single math lesson I ever completed from first grade until I graduated high school, my doctor, Clare, patiently sat with me through eight years of emotional homework, and it changed my life.
there is hope.
also, most likely a reading “assignment” is not helpful right now, but if in the years to come you ever happen upon the book
“Anger: Wisdom for cooling the flames” by Thich Nhat Hanh
check it out! or buy it… or download it to your Nook…
never in my life have I experienced such simple, soothing grace expressed in written word. his humility is astonishing. I could literally feel his heart with my heart.
clearly, you are a remarkable writer. TNH writes about the power of writing – in particular, letters – to heal ourselves and our relationships. he insists that through sharing our stories, with compassion for ourselves and others, we bring light to the world — but first we must tell and listen to our own stories – and that is the life-giving work of therapy.
ooookay, sorry for being a big huge sap, but, Little Sister, I know you got it in ya 