Re: Utterly sick of being this way

[FirstNations]

All of you are wonderful and I thank you so very much for your words.

I posted that six days ago, on the eve of getting my first ever perscription for Adderal filled.

Six days later I find that I still feel the same way about having ADD. It’s held me back, ruined most of my interpersonal transactions, and relegated me to the subcultural margins of society. I’ve spent so much time coping with this and catering to the limitations that it imposed on me that I was never able to function in a way that moved me past simply surviving.

Now, six days later, taking 10 mg. of Adderal, I am experiencing a quality of focus – sheer, simple focus – that is making it possible for all the work I’ve done in therapy up until this point finally ‘take’ at something like a normal rate of change. Before, any given event would trigger so many processes at once that I had to struggle to get to the result I knew was there, and then struggle to hold on to it; something I think everyone here probably knows about. A ‘normal’ mind could be represented as a flow chart. Mine, up until six days ago, could be represented by a hamster Habitrail full of hummingbirds in constant molecular passage through a Rube Goldberg cartoon.

The change it’s made in my mental processes is pervase, and also very subtle. Thinking used to be like trying to play six Tetris games at once. Now, events simply drop into place and context. Now, theres so much…space. At every turn I note the point at which all the coping strategies would have come into play, and it makes me hesitate for just a moment.

Learning to trust that I can now simply move from a to b without that constant mental ‘pachinko’ effect happening is going to be interesting. For now, its just really, really WEIRD. Not unpleasant. HELL NO not unpleasant! It’s fantastic!

I am so glad this place exists. Thank you everyone.

REPORT ABUSE