Reply To: "ADHD is a choice"

[Patte Rosebank]

@Marcelyne, this is a very, very difficult situation, for you, your fiance, and your son.

@Amy and @MarieAngell are right.

ADHD is something that has a huge impact on all areas of your life, and the lives of those around you (as you well know).  It has such an impact that it’s legally classified as a disability in many jurisdictions.

And, like any disability, it’s something that both partners need to be fully aware of, because life with someone who has a disability is very different from life with someone who doesn’t.  It will require much more co-operation, help, and understanding, from everyone in the family.

You and your fiance need to sit down and discuss what it is, what it isn’t (i.e., a “choice”), and the impact it can (and WILL) have on your relationship, housekeeping, and especially finances and children.

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Finances are one of the leading causes of arguments in ANY marriage, let alone a marriage in which one or both partner has ADHD.  But in an ADHD marriage, the financial problems are often much worse.

I just finished watching an episode of “Til Debt Do Us Part”, in which it was very clear to me that the husband of the subject couple had ADHD, but neither he nor his wife nor the financial expert/host (Gail Vaz Oxlade) ever mentioned or suspected it.  But to me, all the signs were there.

The wife was the “parent” figure, bossy & controlling, because after the marriage, she’d noticed that she was very capable, but her husband was always screwing up.  She’d had a steady job for years; he’d gone through 4 jobs in rapid succession, because he quickly got bored.

Then, worst of all, he’d decided he could “fix” things, with a big gambling win.  Unfortunately, like most people who go to casinos, he’d only lost…to the tune of about $25,000, which he’d kept hidden from his wife, so she wouldn’t be angry with him.

This couple managed to do the first 2 challenges set by Gail.  However, the 3rd challenge (in which one spouse was blindfolded, and was guided through an obstacle course by the verbal instructions of the other) was too much of a challenge for the wife, who simply couldn’t trust her husband’s directions, and fought him all the way.  It was as if she was the mother, and he was her little boy who had no clue what he was doing, so she had to argue and question him on everything he said.

Gail wasn’t impressed, and it cost them $1,000 out of the $5,000 cheque that they’d have gotten if they’d completed all the challenges properly and learned from them.

This parent-child relationship in the marriage is quite common in ADHD marriages.

In this case, it developed because the wife had only discovered her husband’s financial trouble and gambling addiction AFTER the wedding.  If they’d discussed finances openly & honestly BEFORE getting married, they probably wouldn’t have gotten married, which would have saved them both a lot of grief.

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Now, for the matter of children.

You have a son with ADHD.

If your fiance is openly hostile to the idea of ADHD, and insists it’s a “choice”, then he will treat your son harshly for misbehaving and for doing poorly in school.  This will worsen any self-esteem issues your son already has, as well as increasing any depression and anxiety he might have.

(You know what that’s like, because you yourself have probably been punished for misbehaving and getting low marks, even though you were trying your very hardest.)

Your fiance might even fight against the use of meds for your son, refusing to believe that they’re helping your son.

Not only will all of this affect your son, but it will affect you, as you argue with your fiance, trying to get him to understand that your son is not a bad boy; he is a boy with a disability.  Punishing him for the effects of his disability is as ridiculous and abusive as punishing a child with cerebral palsy for not walking properly.

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These are critical issues, and must be throughly discussed and planned-for, BEFORE you and your fiance get married.  A marriage is a contract, an agreement to live & work together, and both partners must fully understand and agree on everything that it will involve.

If you and your fiance cannot come to an understanding and agreement on something as critical as the disability that you and your son both have, then you really need to think carefully about your possible future together.

It’s far easier and cheaper to get out of a wrong relationship before you’re married, than it is to hire divorce lawyers afterwards.

People with ADHD are far more likely to have at least one divorce, so think this through very carefully.

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