Reply To: Always secon-guessing

[seabassd]

One thing that I’m not really good at is “subtle”. I want everything to be “Pow!” “Bam!” “Zowee!” Everything sort-of needs to carry some emotional weight. This applies to my meds too. Every time I take them I’m expecting the ground to shake, and if it doesn’t, then I conclude it’s not working. What’s really going on is that I’m not very tuned in to “subtle”.  I HAVE ADJUSTED MY DOSE, AND CHANGED MEDS SO THAT IS A FACTOR TOO.

Another way I may judge if meds are working or not is by how much I’ve checked off my “to-do” list. So I’ve got this really big “to-do” list and I’m running around like a chicken with my head cut off and all the time I’m saying…”These Meds. aren’t working!” “Damn these Meds.” What’s really going on is that I’ve created a list that would exhaust a “normal”. Another thing is that I look at the list and if everything isn’t checked off then I’ve failed and in my mind, the Meds have failed too. Now…I create a list while I’m laying in bed at night. I don’t get too detailed just jot down the things that come to mind. Then I go back and put a star next to two or three things that I believe are “top priority”. I can do other things on the list the next day, but the priority items are all I really have to complete, everything else is gravy. Regardless of others expectations, my priority items trump them all. I also remind myself that a list is a guide and it can be tweaked and adjusted throughout the day. If I don’t get done what I wanted to get done that day, then I make adjustments and take it into the next day.  Motivation by anxiety and should’s are a habit that I’ve used in the past to get me moving…they just don’t work for me on any consistent basis so I turn to my nightly planning to handle this.

As far as doubt goes, I think that’s normal. I don’t know about you, but I want absolutes in life. I want to know beyond a shadow of doubt that something is or isn’t. For me this comes from a past where I’ve jumped from one thing to another and then burned out and quit, or from being ridiculed by others for beliefs or actions that I had trouble defending. My mind finds it hard to give others the reasons when I’m being challenged. I just don’t want to be considered “flighty” or an “airhead” by others. Sooo…a bad adaptation to overcome this is to only do things that others will not debate me over. What I’m slowly learning is that I don’t have to defend or prove what I believe. I don’t even have to share this with others. There are aspects of our lives that we bond with others on and grow together, and then there are the very intimate aspects of what I need to do and believe for myself that bring me growth.  The reality is that most things in life are a matter of faith. Meaning they can’t always be understood, explained or painted in black and white all or nothing terms.

I’ve gone long…this post was unplanned and that’s o.k., now I just need to adjust and get back on track.

Thanks for reading this book I just wrote.

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