Reply To: Attesting to the Virtues, Harnessing, and the Gift

[Robbo]

I’m really having a difficult time getting back into my old sorta motivated self . That’s making it really hard to participate here in this community..

Yep, believe it or not I’m at a loss for words!

**snickers a lil**

grin…

How funny huh?

Before I started to write tonight, I was thinking about what I wanted to say. (okay, here we go… now it’s all coming back to me) So I was thinking that the trauma of getting back involved with this woman I’ve been hanging around with, breaking up, getting back together n just saying we’re gonna be friends. But NOT acting like friends… AAAACK!! it’s crazy making.

But it’s officially over since about wed.

And she lives in my apartment complex too!. So I have to see her frequently. Just last night as I got home she pranced across the front of my car as I pulled into the driveway. I just chirped the horn at her and she sorta glanced at me with a half hearted grimace… (I think, grimace is the best word I can come up with) There was no smile, but kindof a smirk. I may have seen a lil spark in her eyes.

My imagination… it’s a liar. My body wants her body, my heart…

I feel used, dirty, n cheap.

Ah crap. I think I’ve got some sort of temporary mental retardation… [and I’m texting with my therapist at the same time as typing this]

well crap you guys, I’m just gonna ramble a lil. I’ve had more than half a dozen bouts of crying my dang eyes out over the last week. But I finally did get an appointment with a psychiatrist and I’m probably gonna start back up on methylphenidate.

Low dose.

In my plain insanity-I think it will slow my brain down enough to quit interrupting. Her. That’s a big part of the problem. But I do know that it’s not the whole problem.

I just need to let go.

I never learned how to let go of beautiful things. But I’m willing to learn. I know she’s not really the right gal for me. I’m just sick of being alone. Tired, and sick of it. Tired of going to church with a bunch of married folk who condescend to greet me with a smile each week and go home to a blissful marital existence.

We all know that ain’t true. It’s all work. And the bottom line is this.

She does not want to do the work. The tiny little smithereen she understands about ADHD says that I’m an extreme pain in the ass. That is such bull shit!

But she knows better. She’s…

well it’s probably just my imagination. But I think she’s got a lot of the same symptoms as me, but with me it’s called ADD. She’s a dang genius too. Too smart for her own good though.

Love is insanity.

Delectably so.

 

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