Reply To: Depression medications adversely effect working memory?

[Robbo]

This might be a lil bit tricky.

I agree that there is definitely something here to look deeper into. I also know that I’m alive today because about 18 years ago I decided that I could not possibly stand the way I was feeling. I had no plan to off myself. No desire to die, sorta. When the thought of killin me did enter my mind it got sooo terribly painful imagining my little daughter living in this world without me. And I pictured her sensitive little angel face crying. And, well… nothing could be more absolutely horrible. Even now I simply cannot imagine anything more caustic than seeing my little daughters eyes full of tears. Nope, can’t stand it.

One time when she was about 4. I got really angry at her and called her a brat. That’s all. I just called my little angel a brat, and you would have thought that I destroyed her dolls n bike right there in front of her. Talk about water works you guys…. Holy Toledo!! Those big brown swollen eyes all red with pouring tears just plain destroyed every fiber of my being that day. Needless to say, I never EVER have called her a brat (accept for on the post a few days ago to shutterbug) :()- ***snickers a lil*** to this day I’m real sure I haven’t called her a brat to her face. I forget though. Darn SSRI’s!. I blame them!!! Yeah that’s the ticket. It’s their fault.

So anywayz, back then I did know a lil bit about God. Had a few friends helping me not drink at all and I had a sponsor in AA, and I prayed a lot. But I wanted to stop feeling this horrible pain I could not understand the cause of. I desperately needed it to stop. And my ADHD brain kept on going back to the fact that I needed to escape. I knew that there was no hope at all drinking or taking any drugs.

I truly loved smoking weed.

When I went to AA and found out how easy it was to quit booze, and I had it made. But then they told me I also had to quit smoking weed too. That was the end. The bitter remorseful nasty awful painful end. Just like it says in the big book of AA. Boy did I cry like a little baby. It was me turning on the water works then.

In the beginning there was Bill W. and Doctor Bob. yaddayadda  yadda. blah blah. On and on. On page 26 or 27 or there a bouts. It says stuff about the bitter end. and No human power could restore us to sanity and on and on. I used to know all that crap by heart. My life depended on it and finding babes depended on it even more!.  Yep, I went to the SNL group of AA in Campbell Ca. N fooled around with that other addiction we don’t talk much about… The world famous Saturday Night Light group of AA. Yep. I’m one of those original prime time players. (thieves, uhuh) It talks about the sadness of being caught in a trap we cannot spring. Actually that’s Chuck C’s book about the trap.  The uselessness and remorse, the self pity. The dark dark dark before the dawn. Yep been there. Especially when they told me I couldn’t smoke my sweet leaf no more. Oh the crying and the torture and the pain n loss.

OOO Gaawdddd. How awefull so very awful.

Where was I?

Oh yeah. My offspring. And calling her a brat. Before that I was talking about the horrible pain of depression, before I started taking prozac for the first time. Hmm. Let’s see. So, I went to see a doc and he gave me prozac.  I got so hypomanic that the dudes I was building a custom home out in the middle of nowhere in Carmel Valley. (God’s heaven right there on Earth if ya would have asked me back then) The dudes I was working with thought just like some of the folks in this here camp probably/maybe started thinking last week. “That dude Robbo has completel freakin lost his mind!!, he’s dangerous. Call the booby hatch you guys!!!” lol. So I went back to the head shrink doctor and told him “what gives” and he decided it would be paxil for me. And that’s the way it was for the next 18 or so years up until about a year n a half ago. That’s when I was fortunate enough to discover Rick, and Patrick’s bag of trix on PBS and got saved. Yep, I’m a “born again ADDer” lol. Feel free to quote me on that. The anti-depressant medicine kept me alive long enough to finally get some help with this ADHD stuff. I’m eternally grateful too. Wouldn’t change a thing if I could, can’t anyway.

So yep, it’s dangerous telling people that SSRi’s or MAO (somethings?) are bad for our working memory. Because people just might die of sadness and grief about a couple minutes before the miracle happens. So I vote we don’t say that. Okay?

Thanks gang.

Sometimes the miracle happens while we’re waiting for the miracle.

I said that on tuesday while walking out of the doctors office with my therapist. I said it good and loud so all the chicks in the office would overhear me and know how cool and all put together n “well” n stuff that I am. CuZ I know they all talk about me. I’m that loud dude that’s so obnoxious and belligerently loud. Takes pain like a dang spiritual giant and wines about the weather being too hot or too cold. That’s what we do in northern Ca. We’re spoiled freakin rotten here. Live with it gang.

I’m going back to my music.

PS, and another thing…

REPORT ABUSE