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Hi seabassd, life is like swimming upstream isn’t it – not just sometimes, like for people without ADHD, but pretty much all the time for us with ADHD. I particularly relate to your feeling of being on guard all the time – self monitoring, being careful not to overspill or reveal your random thoughts, jokes, observations and so on – hiding your true self when out in the world. This is incredibly tiring in itself.
Maybe it is time to quietly accept your diagnosis, and sort of put it in your pocket. Through therapy I have managed to rid myself of all the complex thinking around ‘ought, should and must’ regarding my professional and personal life. Inherited roles and definitions of who we should be, are exhausting and ultimately lead to shockingly low self esteem and crisis when we have ADHD.
What would you really like to do with yourself? No must / ought / should – just you with all your self knowledge and awareness – it may be something that has nothing to do with your current profile and expectations! My instinct is for you to think forwards and not try to be a round peg in a square whole. You have done the thinking, done your homework, and some kind of action is round the corner now. Time to plan a life with a new set of goals that include simply being yourself, and may be even getting happy.
Can you tell that I am in a similar place to you right now!
Best wishes x
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