Reply To: Just realizing this is a strong possibility…anyone relate?

[squirrelygirl]

I can relate, as well.  I’ve yet to be diagnosed.  Went to a psychiatrist yesterday on referral from a counselor I saw (she was more alarmed by my “depressive brain” but also mentioned by concern about ADD.   A friend who was diagnosed as a child told me he always thought I had it, too.  I laughed it off, but then researched it and found that my whole life resonated with what I read about it. This psych sort of tried to derail me from the ADD diagnosis, thought there were some other things to look into like my slightly low thyroid…

I believe my depression and low self esteem, which I have had as long as I can remember, are secondary to ADD. Thing is, I don’t have memories of how I was as a kid, other than pin-point moments here and there.  I was put in the MGM program in lower elementary but chose to opt out because I found it boring!  I have no recollection of my grades in junior high other than that I got an A in 9th grade Spanish, which was when we were to be conversational, but I never did speak it – still got an A because I could read and write it ok.  I call myself SquirrelyGirl because my brain is all over the place, especially with regards to remembering details in story-telling or articulating my knowledge of a subject…I can understand things when people explain it to me but can’t regurgitate the info back to save my life, just don’t remember names/details, etc.do remember getting in trouble with my parents when I was doing poorly in 7th grade social studies.  I hated the class, wasn’t interested in it, so did poorly.  Education and performance were important in our family and so I guess I managed to do ok in most things by way of adapting.  I do remember plagiarizing a favorite children’s book in a creative writing class because I just couldn’t get started with my own ideas.  I’m one of those people who WISH i was as creative as ADD people are purported to be!

I did go to UCLA and get my BS in biology, but barely squeaked by with a 2.99 GPA.  I could only handle a 12 unit load (3 classes), and ended up dropping classes a few times and starting over when I got too behind or was going to fail.  Most people I knew were taking 16 units (4 classes).  It still took me a full four years to graduate even though I came in with 3 semesters of community college…

I was so socially inept and shy that I didn’t fully take advantage of what was available – TA sections, office hours, work study…when I graduated, I never felt I had a competent handle on my area of study to start a career, so I started a “business” as a dog walker and then dog trainer because dogs and their behavior interested me.  I was never any great example of such, though, and ended up burning out, more from lack of self-worth than anything.  I’ve lived a life knowing that I was a smart person but never feeling good enough about myself to self-promote or take a chance trying to prove myself in my field of education.

I can feel passionately about something but can’t articulate to others why, can’t reach for facts and names to support my views.  Have always felt socially awkward, different from other people. Have often wished joked to myself that I wish I could have a lobotomy so that I wouldn’t have to be me, so I could have a chance at being normal.

I have made a fair number of impulsive decisions in my life, what I called poor judgement calls.  I’ve ruined vehicles by doing inattentive things (like putting an auto-transmission vehicle into park before climbing out, only to have it drive into a tree – almost had that happen a second time recently!).  Constantly forget what I was on my way to do mid-stride, because my brain is constantly wandering…

I had made an appointment with another psychologist who does ADD testing before I saw this other guy, but the first appointment wasn’t available until this coming Monday.  I guess I will go see him, too.  My husband, who is the most skeptical human I know and will call “snake oil” on a lot of stuff, actually believed that I have ADD after reading some articles I had found on it.  He actually found another one on ADD in women that really fit!

So, we’ll see what happens.  I’m not thrilled about going on the meds, but I do desire the mental clarity, and it would be nice to know that there’s a physical cause for my being such a slacker all my life 🙁  I’m tired of beating myself up for not being able to keep a cleaner house, for losing and ruining stuff (can’t have nice things!), for never making something of myself…It would be nice to figure out what I’d really like to do and be good at.

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