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@lindsey3 and @Scattybird
Both of your comments are striking a chord with me- seeing people as add ons, rather than an actual part of your life, and feeling like you are acting in play.
I can act like I am expected to act, like a caregiver and a cook and even a wife if I have to, but it’s really just an act. I don’t feel like I am any of those things. Even going back to when I was a teenager, I can remember when I had to help with the housework I would tie my hair up and wrap a kerchief around my head, grab some rubber gloves, and become a maid for the day. But as soon as the kerchief and gloves came off, I went back to being myself and messing up instead of cleaning up.
And if my husband didn’t make noise I would forget that he exists. Actually, I sometimes just tune out the noise too, until he comes looking for me to tell me that he’s been calling me. Every now and then I’ll think maybe I should go watch the game with him, or see if he wants to watch a movie, but then I just forget agian two seconds later and go on with whatever I am doing.
I always felt bad about not making my own lunch more often, kicking myself for wasting money buying food when I had food at home that I could have used. But I never could plan ahead enough to buy the ingredients and make something with them. And when I did the stuff always sat in the fridge until it went bad.
Like when I was buying frozen burritos at the grocery store and decided that it would be better to make my own. It would be healthier that way, I could control the ingredients, and I could put more spices in them. And it would save time and trouble tool make it easier to get to work on time. I could make them all up on my day off and wrap them and freeze them and have lunch ready to go for the next two weeks…. Easy, right? I can remember coming up with this plan at least two or three times. And every time I bought the stuff to make them, threw it in the fridge and forgot it was there.
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