The Forums › Forums › Emotional Journey › My Story › My Starting Point : A Loss of Control › Reply To: My Starting Point : A Loss of Control
University – Undergraduate Degree #1
I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life, so I ended up following a career path that my parents suggested. I won’t deny that the field and the subject matter were interesting and that I liked the idea of working in the field, but I was never passionate about it. Several preceptors had asked me within the first few years whether or not this was what I wanted to do with my life – hindsight is 20/20.
I continued to do well academically, although I learned quickly to lower my standard. The only class in which my grades were not above average were the classes that were discipline-specific. The major reason for that was the clinical component – where others excelled in clinical practice and had to put the effort in academically, I was the opposite. In the end, I was putting in extra time and effort into the clinical/practical aspect of my program only to not get as much out of it as my classmates. My struggles were primarily with organization and with “performance anxiety” whenever I was being evaluated.
Outside of school, I was struggling as well. As an introvert, living in a residence where people were prone to partying was not an ideal situation. I went from having a circle of friends to not knowing anybody at all; I had nothing in common with my classmates or the people I lived with, so I found myself incapable of forming any meaningful connections with any of them. It took its toll, and I was forced to see a counsellor by October.
Things did improve: I joined a sports club, which I am still involved with; eventually moved into an apartment with my older sister, a fellow introvert; accepted that I had nothing in common with most people my age; and eventually became part of my city’s geek scene. It wasn’t and still isn’t perfect – I still can’t form any meaningful connections with people and I continue to see a psychologist without really making any noticeable progress.
University – Breakdown
Unfortunately, my struggles with the practical aspect of my program became increasingly obvious as I advanced. I ended up failing a summer placement that was a prerequisite for half of the courses that made up my final year, which meant that Year 4 became Years 4 and 5. That was only the beginning…
The first semester of Year 5 was a full-time specialty practice placement; I spent my days in the field and did homework when I got home. I had started living on my own during the summer, but this was the first full-time/full course load semester that I was on my own. My supervisor noticed that something had changed after the Thanksgiving weekend, during which I was out of town for a tournament; I’ll never know for sure what it was that would start what would become a downward spiral.
It was a progression: I became increasingly distracted and disorganized, my confidence levels dropped as my levels of anxiety rose, and I was an emotional wreck. I felt the pressure, and the slightest mistake would set me into a spiral of self-doubt that meant I failed more than one evaluation, which in turn upset me and either led to reduced confidence during the next attempts or, on occasion, outright tears. I spent more time on-site than any of the others, but it wasn’t enough. I put all of my energy into passing, but I was running out; eventually my focus became just keeping myself afloat.
I put my all into it, and consequently put everything else on the back-burner. I stopped exercising, socializing, making food that wasn’t quick and convenient or junk food, cleaning my apartment, or taking care of myself in anything other than the basic ways. I had no energy to devote to anything other than “Clinical” or “Homework”. It took its toll emotionally, psychologically, and physically.
Near the end of the semester, my supervisor and teacher actually staged an intervention and told me that I had to see a professional, which I did; my appointments with that psychologist ended up being focused on keeping me afloat. In the end, I found out that I had failed; apparently, I had actually failed a month before but nobody had figured it out. Had I had enough left in me to be relieved that my struggle was over, I would have; I was empty, I had nothing left to give.
That ended up being the straw that broke the camel’s back. I was done…
REPORT ABUSE