Reply To: Need advice with boyfriend

[blackdog]

@jh531

Welcome, and thanks for posting your question here. 🙂

I am sorry to hear your boyfriend is having such a hard time.

I don’t really experience the severe angry outbursts like that myself, but I know some of the others here do, or have spouses who do, so they can probably give you some advice in how to cope with that. My mother’s strategy with my father was mostly just to ignore him, or agree with everything he said until he calmed down.

But getting frustrated to the point of hurting himself is not good. For starters, he needs to go easy on himself. Like Edison said, he didn’t fail, he just found a way that didn’t work. It will take several tries to find what works, and time to make it work. And what works now might not work forever. And it will never be perfect. And that’s okay. Aim for perfect and be happy if you fall somewhere between great and acceptable.

He needs to find a way to cope with the frustration and anger, whether it’s taking a deep breath and counting to 10 or whatever, something that will calm him enough that he can focus and think. Also, when his symptoms are that severe, it looks his current treatment isn’t working as well as it could be. It might not hurt to look at different options there, maybe a slight adjustment in medication.

Now, as for losing things…… This is a tough one. Getting rid of the clutter is a great place to start. Next, I would suggest having a place for everything, and everything in it’s place. You will have to help with that. Lables and colour coding are helpful to some.

For example, keeping a bowl or basket near the door to drop keys into, like a lot of people do. You can expand on that and have boxes/bowls/baskets everywhere- on the dresser, the computer desk, wherever you need them-for him to put things in. It’s best to keep them in plain sight if possible, since out of sight literally is out of mind for an ADDer. And you can use a different colour for each thing or label them, or both

Then you will have to remind him to put them there until he gets into the habit himself. Once it becomes habit he should be able to remember it most of the time on his own.

Now, when he’s out, he may have to develop a little case of OCD, constantly checking to see if he still has everything. You could help him to develop a habit there too, by reminding him when you are with him. Every time he leaves a place, check to make sure he has everything.

Also, minimize the amount of stuff he has to lose. If you are going somewhere where it will be difficult to go back for something that was forgotten, don’t take anything you don’t want to lose. And if there is a risk of something being stolen if it is set down and forgotten, don’t let him carry anything valuable. Trust me, I learned that one the hard way when my husband’s camera got stolen at Wonderland because I saw one of his friends and ran over to tell him, leaving the camera where I had been sitting.

And finally, try not to get too upset about it. I was haunted for many years because I lost the unicorn necklace my mom gave me when I graduated from grade 8, and the sweet 16 heart she gave me that I wore on the same chain. I hated myself for it.
And she didn’t help any by constantly reminding me. To this day, I never wear jewelry that has any value, sentimental or otherwise, unless I am just going somewhere for a short time and I’m fairly sure it will be safe.

I hope something in all of that is helpful. I’m having a little trouble with gathering my thoughts today and had to edit it several times.

Hang in there, it will get better. 🙂

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