Reply To: Needing to make others feel good at your own expense?

[ashockley55]

I struggle with this a LOT too.  It’s comforting to know that I’m not alone in this with my fellow ADD’ers.

I’ve wondered if the constant ruminating over social/relationship issues met the level of an anxiety disorder – generalized anxiety, perhaps social anxiety (although I take the latter to indicate more of a problem with strangers, which I also have).

In ANY case *ahem*, it does cause a fair amount of worry and stress, and we all know what worry and stress do.  They wear you out.  They make you increasingly vulnerable to more emotional stress, and physical illness.

Right now, for example, I have a cold, so I’m feeling particularly worn out.

Which, actually, is helping with my worry and perfectionistic (social and otherwise, because, isn’t being always socially reliable a form of perfectionism?) obsessions.

I’ve done a lot of “Agghhh, to heck with it” today, and without the usual guilt.  The sore throat, the fatigue, have necessarily slowed me down and forced me to take care of myself.

I turned down a neighbor who wanted me to come eat some of her chicken salad.

I didn’t go to an event that I had planned on going to and had said I would go to.

Instead, I sat and rested and watched television.  I had some soup, and many many pieces of hard candy.

Here’s something that might help.  The next time one of us feels that twinge of guilt that we’re turning someone down, or disappointing someone in some way, we should check what we’re thinking THEY’RE thinking in our heads.

Usually, I tend to think in extremes when I try to imagine how someone else might respond to me expressing something I don’t usually express (like “No” or “I don’t like that” or “I don’t want to).  I imagine up scenarios of them becoming very angry, or hating me, abandoning me.

But, 1) Those reactions are highly unlikely, in fact.

2) Despite (or because of) my usual sensitivity to what others are thinking, I can not really truly actually read others’ minds.  Yes, I am perceptive.  But I am also highly pessimistic.

3) Even if they do hate me or abandon me, does that mean that I have lost all hope for the rest of my life?  I’ve been abandoned before.  I’m resiliant, I can be resiliant again.  I can make new friends, etc.  People like me very easily because I’m a kind, funny person.  Maybe I do have some issues to work on, but I am working on those.

Those are the things I try to tell myself when I’m struggling with being honest, with disappointing someone.  I’m not always successful.  I do a lot of worrying, and I do a lot of stuff that I don’t want to do, but I’m trying to find my way and balance it out and take care of me.

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