Reply To: Positive Feedback

[blackdog]

Yes I feel starved for positive feedback. It seems to me that I never get enough of it.

I think there are two reasons I feel that way. The first is all the negative feedback and criticism I do get, and especially the amount I received as a young child. The second is that it just isn’t enough when I do get positive feedback. I always feel like I still need more. I remember hearing one time that it takes 10 positive experiences to undo the damage from one negative one, or something like that. So I guess that is why I never feel like it’s enough.

It is also easier to believe the negative feedback and it sinks in more deeply. Especially when those negative comments are reinforced by our own actions. When we make mistakes in an area where we receive frequent criticism it makes us feel like the people who criticized us were right.

I also get told that I need to be more sociable, that I am too self centred, that I have to learn to accept people the way they are, that I have to be willing to do things the way other people like to do them etc. And my response to that is why do I have to accept them the way they are if they don’t accept me? And why can’t we do things the way I like at least once in awhile? I feel like it’s always what they want and never what I want, or need. Like you said, I am not supposed to have needs.

And that’s another thing. When did it become a crime to be needy? What is wrong with needing a little  extra help sometimes? We all have problems and we all go through periods in our lives when we  need a little extra help/attention/affection. So why   is it that the accepted practice is to push people away for being “too needy”? If they got what they needed then maybe they wouldn’t be so needy.  I think this attitude also leads to a lot of other problems, like depression, because people feel alone and feel like they can’t talk about their problems or express their emotions.

Lately I have felt like I am getting a lot of static for not going back to work. No one has really said anything but I get the impression that they disapprove. I find myself constantly making statements in my own defence, explaining myself. And it is partly to convince myself, because I don’t really believe I am disabled, despite some pretty convincing evidence to the contrary. But that again is all those other voices working on me, all those people who think I am just being lazy/selfish/needy.It comes   from years of hiding behind masks, convincing myself that it was all in my head, pretending that I  am okay.

I am not okay. It’s okay that I am not okay. I am starting to accept that. And it feels good.

 

Why is it so much easier for people to give negative feedback? A lot of reasons. But, believe it or not, one of the most common is low self esteem. They are very insecure about themselves so they put others   down as a way of boosting their self image. That person is fatter/uglier/more stupid than I am.

(to be continued)

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