Reply To: The Disease du Jour-trying to be popular!

[eris]

Thank you, blackdog, for your support. Yes, hubby has come around. He is one of those guys that only believe something if another guy confirms it. I don’t think all men are like this – and I am shocked that he is like this. I would never have married someone who did not value my intelligence.  Our male counselor explained to us that in a long term relationship (28 years) people tend “merge into one” and  treat the spouse like an extension of themselves  (and be as hard on them ). However, being wildly ADHD, there is no merging into one box for me. Not only do I not fit in any box, I cannot even recognize the box!  Yep, not only do I own that, but I think that is what attracted him in the first place. Managing to identify and own my ADHDness and revel in it was part of our answer. How could I expect him to accept and understand what I did not know myself?  I do truly believe that education is the key. I have had to all but open his head with a can opener and stuff the info in, painstakingly bit by bit over time.

kcjck – I used to think it was b/c he did not care enough to see what I was going through to listen and understand. I don’t think so anymore. It is hard enough for us to identify and dissect all the insidious ways this ADHD can affect us. If we do  not accurately understand and communicate all this confusion (and that is a tall order) how can we expect them to understand and be sensitive to it all. Especially when the pressure to “fix it” for them is so great. No one wants their loved one to be “broken” or compromised to the point of needing medication. I think it is ultimately our responsibility to show them that not only is it OK to be ADHD, but those positive traits of ADHD  are what probably drew them to us in the first place. They have to accept the good with the bad if they are going to stick around.  I think in any relationship we are all ultimately responsible for drawing boundaries and showing up as our best self. No one is perfect – but it’s a damn site easier to show up as our best self when we understand what that is and ask for understanding for the weaknesses b4 they happen and cause problems.

sdwa – I was diagnosed first and then recognized the symptoms in my adolescent boys who told me that ADHD was a “bullshit diagnosis”. Wow, I thought they would both become doctors! They warmed up to the idea – even to try medication – little by little. They especially liked it when they found out how well accommodations at school would work for them and how they could be more understood and appreciated by teachers. But it took time. My son adored his algebra teacher. On a parent/teacher conference the teacher told me that he never believed in the existence of ADHD until his first identified student went on meds. He was thrilled that he could read his writing for once! Now he still doesn’t  “get it”, but he believes it is real and he abides by accommodations. That is all we can ask for. They may never “get it”,  but they have to accept what we tell them once we figure it all out.

jojosephine – It has taken a lot of patience (which I painfully have learned) and a lot  of time and effort to bring the whole picture together for our family. Keep on truckin’ Everyone needs to build there own reality,  ADHD or not. The loneliness is only helped by reaching out to our tribe.  I am now so proud to say this is where I belong.

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