Reply To: v-day blues 2013

[ashockley55]

MarieAngell,

I’m not good with the concept of time, or time passing, or anything along the time-space continuum at all, but, just guessing/feeling…it feels like several months? since my diagnosis.

At first, I was hella excited.  I was just excited a) something fit, like, fit all the way, instead of just partially (like Bipolar, and Borderline Personality Disorder) and b) that someone was hearing me out about it.  I got a prescription, took it, and was pretty elated with that, too.  It gave me energy, motivation, and I didn’t have those cravings for fast food.  Whaaaa?  I was amazed at what I could accomplish.  Litter box scooped, YES!  Dishes washed, YES!  Dog walked, YES!

However, the energy was…energy.  There was no peace or calm.  I was confident and upbeat, but still not able to sit down, calm down and work on tasks they required a thoughtful, peaceful, calm mind.

Plus, the positive effects of my medication wore off after about three to four hours.  It was supposed to be an extended release medication.

My search for treatment has not been very successful thus far.  There’s a poverty issue – I’m on disability and work as a part-time waitress; even with health insurance, I can’t afford the co-pay’s for visits to the doctor, especially not a specialist, or often the medication.  Plus, the physician’s assistant who I was seeing, and who I LOVED and felt comfortable with – moved to Africa.  Yes.  Africa.  That Africa.

My last interaction with my family doctor was when she became visibly irritated that I hadn’t taken an anti-depressant she wanted me to try.  By visibly irritated, I mean that she became red in the face, pursed her lips, and stopped making eye contact with me for the remainder of my appointment.

So….there’s a whole lot of information in addition to the information you actually asked for, MarieAngell 😉

To try and haul this post back on topic, since getting my diagnosis, a lot of my behaviors in relationships do make sense – the saying “I love you” too soon, the emotional extremes in general, the constant need to please, the constant worrying, the agitation and holding back the urge/need to talk, talk, talk constantly about All. The. Feelings. and. Things. That. Happen. In. My. Brain., even when I’m not sure what my feelings are, or if I communicate my feelings and then they immediately change, and/or were communicated inappropriately the few times I do try to communicate my feelings  including the highly detrimental episode wherein I told someone that I wanted to “date other people” IMMEDIATELY following…intimacy events between us when, in hindsight, what I really felt/wanted to say was, “Hey, after finding out that you’ve had other affairs, I’m scared that I don’t mean as much to you as I thought I did. I’m afraid I am/will end up just another one of those affairs. I need some reassurance that that’s not true.”

I’m not very receptive to my emotions, I try to express them because I often feel they are wrong/extreme. I don’t want to embarrass myself. I do fire a warning shot at the beginning of my relationships, “Hey, heh heh, I’m kinda crazy…just so you know.” But then, I spend the entirety of the relationship behaving in Superficially Very Emotionally Stable ways, not expressing disappointment, or anger, or frustration, or, really, any of my wants and desires.  I am happy.  I am content.  I am fine.   I don’t talk about it if I’m not.  Then, maybe partly because of the ADD, also partly because of the constant bottling up of my emotions, when I do finally say something…it’s extreme and embarrassing.

 

REPORT ABUSE