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My mom (the parent with undiagnosed ADHD) had some unique ideas in some areas of discipline, which my brother & I only appreciate now that we’re older.
From the time we were toddlers, if we were going out somewhere, she’d sit us down and explain where we were going, what we’d be doing, and how she expected us to behave (sit quietly, be polite, no running around). She talked to us in simple words, but as though we were adults, capable of understanding what was expected of us, and doing it.
If we were in a restaurant, and we started acting up, she’d immediately take us out of there—stopping only to pay the bill. Then, when we were outside, she’d tell us that we’d all had to leave and go hungry because we’d been noisy and upset the other people in the restaurant. This only had to happen a couple of times, to teach us not to do it again.
These direct consequences were far more effective than if she’d taken us outside and spanked us (society’s generally accepted disciplinary method at the time).
We were so well-trained that when we’d see other kids running around or being noisy or having tantrums in restaurants & other public places, we’d be quite disgusted that *we* could behave ourselves, while those *savages* couldn’t. And we’d bask in the glow of being complimented on our good behaviour, by strangers who’d initially expected the worst when they’d seen us come into the place.
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We never had to take naps, or had a formal bedtime. Even when I was a baby, if Mom put me in my crib, and I didn’t feel tired, she’d tell me to just play quietly with my toys in there. When I moved from the crib to a real bed, it was the same idea, but she’d tell me to read some books until I felt sleepy.
If the “Carol Burnett Show” was on, I’d fall asleep in front of the TV, just as Carol was taking around the guest book (around 10 p.m., which is VERY late, for a 3-year-old), and my dad would carry me to my bed & tuck me in.
As a result of this approach, there was never a fight to get us to bed. So, it’s quite bizarre to see families on “Nanny 911”, having huge wars as they try to get their kids to bed.
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Getting us dressed in the morning was easy, because Mom always gave us a choice of a couple of outfits, instead of just telling us what to wear that day.
Result: None of the “I don’t wanna wear that!!!” tantrums, that other families often go through in the morning.
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When we were teenagers, we never had a formal curfew, and Mom & Dad trusted us to tell them where we were going, with whom, and when we planned to be back. And to phone them if the plans changed, or if we were in any situation that made us feel uneasy and we wanted them to come and get us. They also told us, that if we got arrested, they would NOT bail us out; we’d have to take responsibility for our actions.
Result: They always knew where we were, and we never got into trouble.
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As for sex, Mom had several picture-books she’d rescued when the library at one of the schools where she taught was forced to withdraw them, after parental complaints. When I started asking questions (around age 3, just after my brother was born), she gave me the books to read, and then we discussed the material, and any questions I had. She used the same method when my brother started asking questions.
As she taught us the facts of life, she also stressed the huge responsibility involved in bringing a baby into the world: “It’s the biggest, longest-lasting responsibility of your entire life, and if you feel you aren’t ready for it, financially, emotionally, and in every other way, DON’T DO IT! And don’t expect Mommy & Daddy to take over, if you suddenly decide you can’t cope with it. Mommy & Daddy raised you. They are NOT going to start all over again, with a new baby.”
Again, she used age-appropriate language, but treated us like adults, giving us the facts and making us take responsibility. And it worked.
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Our parents also trusted us never to smoke, or try illicit drugs, or engage in excessive or under-age drinking. And we have never violated that trust.
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So, you see, having ADHD does NOT mean that you can’t be a very effective parent!
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