Reply To: Work in Progress

[sdwa]

@ megan.

Dude. Raising three children alone would be an enormous challenge for anyone – never mind raising a kid with ADHD when you have it yourself. So, I say you deserve a medal of valor for even being a mom, for getting out of bed every morning, for making sure they have clothes and food.

I am in a stable long-term marriage and find the whole parenting project almost impossible and frequently terrifying. We are a family of four with a $20K annual income. Just staying afloat is a big deal.

My sons are older now: 14, 16. They have their own lives. When they were smaller it was easier because their physical needs and demands motivated me to connect and participate. Now that they’re more self-sufficient, and realize I am not a goddess but just some random goofball who gave birth to them (they seem a bit annoyed about this, actually) it is much, much harder. I feel like they’re slipping away, that I’m not there enough, I’m not present enough, and am not really sure how to be at this point, especially as they are more inclined to push me away. I worry about my younger son who has ADHD and is not in a very good place emotionally. That kid is a little too “emo.”

I, quite frankly, am a crappy parent. So I probably can’t be very helpful, other than to say I hear that it’s hard, but I would hope you don’t feel you are a bad person because it’s hard. None of us plans to have ADHD. Give yourself credit for making it this far. No one knows better than we do how much work it is to just stay alive and keep going.

A potentially helpful theory is to try to put the ADHD kid in environments that promote success for him, where he can do what he does best and gain confidence in those abilities.

When I look back on my own utterly crappy childhood, I realize that taking art classes was a great thing  for me, because I was good at it, and got recognition and praise for doing it. That allowed me to build something of an identity, and to have one corner of my life I could own and control.

With my ADHD kid, I’m thinking maybe, since he’s a great writer, I might offer him cash for word count. Because he really cares about money right now, he might actually go for it. We’ll see. Geez – anything to get him off the Internet.

One sliver of good news: This is a kid we thought in third grade would never learn to read, but he did, and now he’s quoting Nietzche (not that Neitzche is who I’d most want him to be quoting, but at least he knows who the guy is, and I am informed it is pronounced NeetCHA.) My point being…what was my point? Oh. That what looks bleak can change. One thing about him that amazes me is that he has a great deal of empathy for others. He is the kind of kid who will see someone sitting alone on the playground and go talk to them. He also said, when I asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up, “A husband and a father.” What little boy says that?

What do you experience as the greatest challenges of parenting?

My greatest challenge (I have given up on keeping house) is to be there, be present, check in. I don’t set limits or boundaries, which I know is bad, but I was not brought up with any particular structure I can recall, so I don’t really know how to do that stuff. I mean, seriously? Do people actually tell their kids they’re grounded? Or does that just happen on TV? My parents were struggling with their own issues, so as a kid I learned early on that if I was going to survive at all, I better show up and do what was expected, so I did well in school, one of the few places I received any attention. Kids adapt.

I am good at helping with homework.

My older child developed superior guitar playing skills all on his own, is getting straight A’s in school, and is at the top of his high school class. He’s a math whiz, and does so much soccer practice that he’s been offered a chance to coach younger kids. No credit to me whatsoever. In fact, I think his friends’ parents are sort of raising him for me, as he is hardly ever home.

But my point there is…you don’t have to do it all yourself, because in reality, you can’t. So don’t put that pressure on yourself to be the all-seeing, all-knowing goddess they think you are when they’re small.

I am hopeful that just listening and being kind are important factors in raising kids. I am also hopeful that letting them see me do what I love to do, and letting them see how I try to treat other people well, will leave a lasting impression.

That’s all I got, but hang in there.

I am definitely interested in how other parents are managing.

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