Reply To: Work in Progress

[sdwa]

My random venting on the topic of parenthood:

It seriously bothers me that my son wants to join the military. Some people think that’s great, but I do not think it’s great for various reasons, including but not limited to: the risk of death, disfigurement, psychic wounding, loss of empathy, not trusting my country’s political agenda, not liking the way kids who grow up in poverty feel like military service is their only option, not liking the propaganda that surrounds the armed forces, not liking the idea of anyone being asked to kill anyone AKA other people’s children, etc.

He’s fixated on this now. Maybe he’ll grow out of it by the time he’s old enough to sign up. One silver lining: while he says he wants to be an Army Ranger, he is still afraid to walk three blocks in our creepy neighborhood to go to the drugstore by himself (a journey I’ve made several times despite being accosted by some jerk every single time).  He is not a person who can be argued with or reasoned with when he gets an idea. In typical ADHD fashion, it’s the only thing he talks about or seems to think about. I hope to redirect and divert. Get him out of the house. Get him into a social environment. Oddly enough, we watched a documentary called “Restrepo,” in which one of the soldiers said his hippie mother deprived him of toy guns in his childhood and made every effort to get him involved in macrame or whatnot, and he rejected all of that. So it goes to show, ultimately they do what they want.

But it most certainly is NOT about “patriotism.” It’s about fear of the future, wanting a place to fit in, wanting a way to distinguish himself from his brother who is skilled athletically, academically, and musically, and buying into propaganda that says if you’re in the military you’ll have camaraderie and a faithful spouse. Short of sending him to some kind of Quaker deprogramming center, I really don’t know what to do.

Our house is a disaster. I feel bad about it but also like I can’t fix it, because it’s too HUGE of a problem.  Like I’m drowning in it. My other son has more family meals with his friends than with us. If my kids are in the same room together, they will fight.

We don’t care what clothes they wear. They wear the uniform of all other teenage boys around here: jeans, sneakers, t-shirts. No one cares.  Dressing up would be a sports jacket on top of a t-shirt, with the same jeans and t-shirt. It’s funny, because I remember as a kid I wore one outfit all day, while other girls had their “school clothes” and their “play clothes.” I mostly wore jeans and t-shirts even then. And I still do.

Battles I would pick, if I needed to, which I don’t, would have to do with things like dangerous or illegal behavior, physical or verbal attacks, being mean, being insensitive. Really nothing about cleanliness or organization or being presentable. Also, because I swear like a sailor and have no particular familiarity with the works or requirements of Emily Post…I guess it’s a good thing I have sons, as no one will expect either of them to act like a lady. I never have. I wouldn’t even know where to start. You can dress me up, if you must, but you certainly can’t take me out. Which is fine, because I don’t really want to go.

It does bother me that we have so few role models in our society for what it means, or should mean, to “be a man” or to “be a woman.” Men get stuck with all this weird domination & control stuff, and women get stuck on the periphery as not quite legitimate human beings. Times have changed significantly since my youth with regard to roles for women and public treatment of women, but not enough that a woman is considered to be equally important, valid, or interesting. Witness popular culture: there are no good female TV or movie roles. Women are still viewed as backdrop, accessories, props, facilitators of whatever the male agenda is. Or they are painted and twirled up, along the “steel magnolias” line that says we’re all supposed to care so much about our hairstyles, high heels, manicures, men, and needlepoint, all of which I find profoundly boring. Show me a movie with a real female lead, someone who isn’t a stereotype. I don’t think there are any. Except I did just see a spy movie that makes no sense whatsoever, but features a female lead who is a former Marine. I thought that was funny – is that what we need? Really? To learn hand-to-hand combat, and then we’ll be equal? I think not.

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