ADHD Journeys and the Unbelievers

[wolfshades]

This is one of those things where it is sometimes impossible to explain it to those who don’t have it. For me, in my creative endeavours, ADHD has been a blessing – but only because of the creativity it provokes. Workwise – yeah, not so much. Funny thing: managers don’t seem to like it when you go running off on different things, all within the space of an hour, instead of getting your project done. Go figure.

We go through years without knowing we have ADHD, and we start agreeing with our parents, our friends, and our bosses that maybe we’re just a little bit lazy (or stupid) and we just need to try harder. So we do. We try *very* hard, just to get to the same level of marks or productivity as everyone else – which THEY seem to have no problem achieving. And many of us find a way to “fake it” (as I did): by avoiding long projects, looking to the back of the book for the answers – because we just can’t stay focused enough to work through a long detailed problem. And we get by, but we feel guilt for having gotten where we are. I mean, those of us lucky enough to have been able to fake it long enough or well enough so that others are fooled. Some of us aren’t as lucky, and we can’t hold jobs down at all.

And then we get the diagnosis, and finally – FINALLY – it all comes together. And we’re so pleased that not only can we confirm that we’re not lazy or stupid – but we now have a way out of this. A way to make our lives better. A way to put us on an even playing field with others.

And then when, in our joy about all of this, we try explaining it to our friends, or spouses, we are told things like:

“oh everyone has ADHD”

“you don’t have ADHD. You’re just looking for an excuse for your laziness”

“too many people are telling our kids they have ADHD”

or, in some cases,

“I just don’t believe ADHD exists”

If you’ve been around long enough, you know the futility of trying to explain it to someone who’s mind is made up. So you know you either have to keep quiet around them (because otherwise your head will explode), or you slowly cut them out of your lives.

Explaining ADHD to someone who’s never had it, and in particular to someone who believes the whole thing is fake, is like trying to explain an orgasm to a bicycle.

Which is why we have this forum, where we so easily and readily relate to each other. At least here, we know we’re not alone.

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[munchkin]

YES. You said it! In a certain way I feel worse than ever because I have this fantastic breakthrough, but for the most part, I have to suck it up and keep it to myself. I’ve even made up vague excuses for why I’m doing better since the meds, so I don’t have to hear the skeptics. “I’ve been so much healthier lately…must be the new exercise program” (right, what exercise program??? haha) This website is where I come to soothe the rising frustration. Wolfshades, you’re hilarious…bicycle… 😆

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[billd]

I had to wonder about the smile my bicycle had lately…… now I get it.

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[quizzical]

The best version of these comments I’ve gotten is still the one from my mother:

“You don’t have ADD; you have three kids.”

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[wolfshades]

munchkin: glad this resonated with you. I hope your hubby can see the changes for what they are. Better late than never, right?

billd: mine too. My bike creeps me out so bad, I had to sell it.

quizzical: I don’t suppose your mother ever came around to your way of thinking on this?

I’ve told my respective bosses about it (they keep changing and I feel the need to update them), and so far, they’ve been pretty good about it. At least they don’t throw it back in my face the way some of my “friends” have. Ah well.

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[Stash]

My best friend (who has supported me through various things in my life over the past 20+ years) said, “Wow, you must be a great actress as I never would have guessed.” It wasn’t a malicious comment, it was just honest.

What I’m realizing is how much I have hidden, even from those closest to me. It also is an indicator of the need for education as exactly what ADHD is. I’ve given her the list of symptoms (good & bad) from doing the quiz on this site, as well as suggested she read through the forums a bit.

The revelation about the solitude I’ve created is eye-opening. No one comes to my home, I frequently ‘hibernate’ instead of facing situations where I’ll have to sit through boring conversation, I’d rather be alone and let my brain run on its own than work so hard at harnessing my thoughts.

My mom is trying to encourage me to make lists….sigh.

My dad said, “wow, that sounds a lot like me! Keep me posted!”

My sister and her husband are both looking at themselves and wondering if…

(is it weird that I had a pang of – hey it’s my disorder! get your own!)

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[Born this way]

Finding out that I have ADHD has been great for me. I understand my Dad now- may he rest in peace. And I stopped having the rage, anger, and frustration with my Mom. I could never talk to her without feeling insecure and judged. She would blurt out the most hurtful critical things and not seem to notice my accomplishments.

When I was 13 she told me I was an accident. That she was still nursing my brother and when she told my Dad she was pregnant he got so angry that it stressed her so much her milk stopped and my brother would not take formula. He kept them up for days crying. I never understood this confession. I was convinced that she didn’t really want me. I remembered all the many times she forgot to pick me up from school or lost me in a store.

She is inattentive. We never seemed to have anything in common. I fought so hard to not be like her. I have a great relationship with my kids. I tell them how much I love and wanted them. My son was just diagnosed and I know I have ADHD too and possibly my daughter. I now know what to do. I’m proud I some how adapted and made this far. I found a whole community of people just like me. My life has improved in the last month since I’ve found this site and my mom and I have something positive we can share. We laugh now. I share all your stories and ones of our own.

My Brother has been struggling and had a harder life. He was discharged from the Air force. He’s lost jobs, has terrible arguments with his wife over money. He gets constantly annoyed. He knows he has problems staying present. He’s been listening to Ekhart Tolley’s book, “The Power of Now.” When he has anger episodes he says, “it’s my pain body.” Everything is a pain body. I tried it too but it still didn’t give me comfort. When I was researching ADHD for my son, the symptoms reminded me of my brother. The more I became educated in ADHD I just had to share it with him. I didn’t expect his reaction would be denial. He believes Doctors and drug companies made it up. His wife is even an RN in a psych hospital! She thinks medication is wrong even if he were to accept the diagnosis. My brother is a brilliant music composer who works for an IT dept as a data architect. He edits videos and his son works for the graphics department for a major TV network. He’s in trouble at his 5th job because he can’t be wrong, and constantly burns bridges. I can’t believe he’s so resistant to even looking into ADHD for himself. He says that he does not want to have another excuse.

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[quizzical]

@wolfshades: I haven’t told my parents yet. I got that comment from my mom a few months back, when I was still just suspecting I had it. Now that I’ve been diagnosed with ADD, I’d like to share that with them, but it’s still too new; I need to accept it in myself deep down, I think, before I can tell them, given how it was received on the first go-round.

Logically, I know she was just trying to reassure me; she saw my suspicions as a sort of insecurity issue, and she was just trying to tell me – from experience, because she had three kids as well – that a little chaos was normal, and not to fret about it.

But there’s always been a shade of denial about medical problems in my family, which is comical, because there’s more than one doctor among them. But we were the kids who were always told things like “Why don’t you just go to school, and if you still feel sick when you get there, go to the nurse’s office.”

@Stash: Smiled at your “get your own diagnosis” comment – I totally get that. Sibling rivalry never really ends!

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[Anonymous]

Quizzical, I had a similar comment from my mum, a few years ago, when I was wondering if my son had ADHD. She told me that of course he didn’t, it was just genetics, my son was just like me, and having a son just like me was some form of cosmic payback! It’s rather ironic that he has now been diagnosed with ADHD and her comment was what made me start looking at myself when ADHD was brought up as a possibility for my son’s issues. So she was dead right in saying that my son is just like me lol!! Mum knows about my son’s diagnosis, and I recently found the right time and place to tell my Dad, but I have not discussed myself. I am just not ready.

Stash, I laughed so hard when I read your “get your own diagnosis” comment. I feel like that every time someone says “Oh, I do that too”, or “I think I might have that”. It doesn’t matter which medical condition it is (I have OA, RLS, and possible ADHD), it makes me selfishly want to be the “unusual” one and not want to “share” my disorders lol. It’s funny though, because I can cope with my son having ADHD without feeling that “I don’t want to share” feeling. It has made us closer, and he is the one person who I have talked to about many of my issues, fears, concerns, laughs, and anything else that relates to my possible ADHD, even though he is not an adult. We simply “get” each other in a way nobody else does (other than those here).

Wolfshades, your initial post was well said. It was infuriating not to be able to discuss my concerns about possibly having ADHD once my son was diagnosed. People were happy to discuss my son’s progress, but nobody gives credit to anything relating to me. Just because I am an adult, and ADHD is still not fully accepted as a bona fide medical condition in the broader community. The comments I get are all “Oh, I do that all the time”, or “You should see MY house!”, or similar. It’s interesting that most comments seem to fall back on their own behaviours, as opposed to commenting on mine, but they still diminish my issues by comparing themselves to me. I am lucky with one woman at work. She has been in rehab for gambling addiction, she has had to come to terms with an abusive childhood, and has walked out of a very unhappy marriage and, once she returned to work after time in rehab, she has been strong enough to talk about her problems with many of us at work, so I figured that if she could be open and honest with me, then I would be with her, though I still broached the topic of ADHD slowly. She was amazingly accepting and it was a relief to find someone adult to talk to, especially about the marriage issues I have been having. She doesn’t know my family, so it was easy to be brutally honest about my frustrations and fears. I wish for someone like her for all of you. Just having one person to open up to has really helped.

The one thing that has been the biggest help though has been these forums. You guys are all fantastic. These forums are what really started me off on my journey towards getting a diagnosis. I really don’t think I would have taken the first step if I hadn’t felt validated by what I read here. I felt so much at home that I knew I was not just trying to squash myself into the ADHD “box” simply as an excuse for what I have always thought of as just “character flaws”. So thank you

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[Anonymous]

I’ve told a few friends I think I have ADD and they say things like, “Everybody has ADD!! It’s the time we live in!” But they don’t have to try nearly as hard as I do to look/act normal. And I don’t think they ever have the same, “outside looking in” feeling that I have whenever I’m with people for a period of a few days. And I don’t think their house looks like a hoarder’s place like mine does–they entertain in their houses, I try to keep people OUT of mine! They definitely don’t understand what it’s like to contend with this every single day. I have a saying, “It’s not easy, being me.” They don’t know the half of it. I guess when they are unaccepting of it, they might be trying to tell me I’m OK, that they don’t think of me as flawed. They might be trying to comfort me.

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[Anonymous]

“Outside looking is” pretty well sums up how I have felt my entire life. I have envied those who have the drive to study every night, to practice musical instruments on a daily basis and stick to the same instrument without chopping and changing on a whim, to wipe over household surfaces often enough so that “scrubbing” is barely in their vocabulary, and to keep in touch with friends who they don’t see regularly so that they don’t lose contact. I have never understood why other people manage to succeed where I fail. I am grateful I have a few friends who accept me for who I am, mess, forgetfulness, procrastination, and all. I am sure one of them probably has ADHD too. She is so much like me that it’s amazing we ever manage to contact each other!! And her house is worse than mine!!!! Now THAT makes me feel better about myself!!

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[wolfshades]

KrazyKat: remember when you first took the totallyadd.com self-test? Remember the excitement as you started to realize, you were hitting almost every single indicator? I do. It was so amazing. “Validation” and “epiphany” are the two words that described my experience. I knew that I knew that I *kNEW* this explained so much of what I’d gone through in life. It was like – I was stumbling around in the dark before, thinking that the ambient light was truly all there was. And then, after taking the test, a big bright light got switched on and suddenly I realized that low-light dynamic wasn’t what everyone else was experiencing.

After attending a few of Rick Green and Dr. J.’s seminars, I knew that validation wasn’t, um, valid just yet – and that i needed to get thoroughly tested. I had no idea it would take so long. It was like the world’s longest foreplay. And then, after $1000 and months of waiting, the results came back. The psychiatrist sat me down and showed me the chart, which included what a “normal” person looks like, and then where I was – which was almost completely off the charts. It’s a wonder I ever managed to cross a road without getting distracted and then run down by a car. And THEN there was true validation. It wasn’t the “sudden lightbulb” experience again though – it merely brought a deep deep sense of satisfaction that I was right.

So of course when you tell someone, and they come back with “oh I have that” you sort of want to punch them. It’s not a “this is my condition, not yours” sort of territorial thing. It’s an unconscious devaluation of what you just told them. Like the condition “belongs” to everyone, when you know damned well you went through hell to get to this point.

I think, now that the emotion of the whole discovery has gone by, I can probably cope a little better, rather than gritting my teeth. A good response might be: “really? Because OMG if you do have it, you shouldn’t ignore it. You should really go to a psychiatrist who specializes in this condition, and get the tests done. If you go to the one I saw, you’ll end up seeing a psychometrist and a psychologist as well, and get ready to pay $1000 because the tests are fairly intense because they want to rule out a lot of other mental conditions. And they certainly want to rule out the normal distracted experience that everyone sometimes get. Now that you suspect you have ADHD, don’t you hate it when everyone else presumes they do too, even though you know they don’t?” And then you pat them on the shoulder in commiseration. (And you smile your evil smile)

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[Stash]

I’m still in the self-diagnosed stage, with testing appointment coming up in…. oooooh 10 days!! If the results don’t confirm my suspicion (not nearly a strong enough word..) then I don’t know..I can’t even think about that.

I’m in the throes of discovery emotions. Suddenly much more aware of what is happening in my brain. Still can’t do anything about it, but I’m definitely having some pretty intense revelations on a continuous basis about just why things are so hard all the time, and why I behave in certain ways.

Those fun personality quirks – telling stories that have tangents upon tangents upon tangents and require the listener to steer me back, where I sometimes break mid-thought with no idea of even the subject matter I was discussing. Having a purple cell phone cover supposedly ‘just for fun!’, but really so that it stands out when I’m searching for it 20 times a day. Wearing cute hats or ponytails because I zone out in the mornings (once I finally get myself out of bed) and if I stopped to shower I’d be later than I already will be. (and 4 inch roots are sexy, right??? *ignores 2 boxes of hair dye bought weeks ago*)

Suddenly I’m aware of the fact that they are coping strategies, or symptoms, and not just quirks.

Because I’m not officially diagnosed, I’m not telling anyone that I have ADHD – but those closest to me are aware that I think I do and they are (thankfully!) very supportive of my getting tested.

And for the record – it was definitely a sister/sibling-rivalry reaction to my baby sister! But truthfully, we do share a LOT of ‘quirks’. And I was actually really proud of my dad for being open and immediately willing to see himself as I described what I understand about the disorder.

Now, how do I focus on anything else but the upcoming testing and this non-stop AHA moment??

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[wolfshades]

You hit the nail on the head, Stash, with that one term “coping strategies”. It’s how most of us got through life until now – learning ways to circumvent experiences, and in some cases, learning how to lie well (because those missed anniversaries and birthdays and forgotten names gets a little embarrassing to have to to admit to, after years of it).

Don’t know what to tell you about how to lessen the focus for the upcoming testing. Mostly because I couldn’t, either. There are so many shiny things to now remember in a new light, that it’s like telling someone “don’t imagine there’s a tiny purple dinosaur over there in the corner.” (You now know that’s ALL they’ll think about now)

Keeping my fingers crossed for you.

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[Stash]

Tiny purple dinosaur! *forgets completely about upcoming test*

Thanks for the support Wolfshades! This forum blows my mind. The fact that there are so many kindred spirits out there! HUGE kick in the collander! (A women’s study prof once described how we see the world – we all have a collander on our heads with the little holes in them that represent our experiences and dictates how we look at things. And then every once in a while we get a kick in the collander that shifts our perspective and lets us see differently)

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