Avoiding sex, yet addicted to sex?

[Anonymous]

I’m not a psychiatrist or psychologist but if I may be frank here, it likely has nothing or very little to do with how much he loves you. In all probability, he’s associating sex with something lurid and titilating rather than associating it with love. Rather, he associates love with caring, nurturing and affection. It explains the proclivity to strippers and porn. To liken you to these stimuli, in his mind he’s degrading you so keeps the sexuality at a distance due to this association.

It may be that wearing provocative clothing or appealing to that type of desire in him is moving him further away from you as a sexual object because he doesnt want you in the same parentheses as porn stars and exotic dancers. We ADDers are generally a rather sensitive lot – more empathic and far more in tune with our harmony or discordance of emotion. To misplace the sympatico of intimacy and love may be a relatively normal occurrence for someone with ADD or ADHD…

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[Anonymous]

I was trying to remember what I was going to say about love and sex and why they arent separate, excepting my relationship with my cats, but from what I remember of it, they went together, barring the whole 4 Aspects of Love, cause that is too Literary .But maybe also

As Good As It Gets ? I don’t understand my ADHD well enough to know when it’s me and when it’s ADHD .. :

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[Anonymous]

@TheBishop72: Yes, I’d considered that he may have a bit of a Madonna/Whore complex. You may be right on the money here. To clarify, his addiction is definitely not to porn. I enjoy porn myself, and have encouraged him to watch with me, but he never seems interested. I have snooped and have seen the kind of porn he watches, and there’s only one word to describe it: TAME! (at least compared to the norm, or to what I prefer). I don’t think he has a very high interest in porn. It’s strippers. That’s definitely where his addictive tendencies lie. Because it had occurred to me that he doesn’t want to see me in this way, I stopped trying to titillate him with sexy clothing, adventurous sexual activity, etc. When we have sex, it’s quite vanilla. That seems to be what he prefers, which is actually totally fine. But god, I just wish he’d initiate, and I wish we had sex more often. It’s frequency that’s really the problem. Well, that and the fact that I’m concerned he’s letting out all his sexual energy with other women. I am NOT opposed to strip clubs or sex workers. I’m only concerned because it has created problems in his life, and because he doesn’t seem to share his sexuality with me. Any advice about how I can get him to open up to me about this? I really appreciate your comments, everyone. It’s such a relief to be able to discuss it.

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[Tiddler]

What would he do if yousuggested going to the strip club with him?

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[Patte Rosebank]

A friend of mine has been married for 12 years. Whenever things get a little stale in the bedroom, she sends her husband out to a strip club WITH HIS BUDDIES, and tells him she’ll be waiting for him at home. This has worked beautifully for them. He’s out with his buddies and with his wife’s permission—so there’s no thrill of sneaking around. Instead, the strippers get him all warmed up and frisky, and then he goes right home to his wife, and they both reap the benefits.

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[billd]

Wow, I can’t believe I’m actually going to expose myself here……………

I’m an addict myself…………. and I”ll give you one possible take or explanation.

Fresh, new, different, exciting, sensory input (I thrive on sensory overload and that’s not kidding), you always get more excited or want most something you know you can’t have. It’s the thrill of the hunt or the chase, not the kill. I find just in life in general, for me, the thrill is in the seeking, not the obtaining. Once I find my next project, gather all the parts, have experienced the hunt, when the project is near completion, I’m done, I’m bored with it, it’s now ho-hum. Not that this is directly related to your situation, because it is different, any yet, somehow related.

I would never “cheat on” my wife. However, I have no barriers in my head preventing a ‘strip club’ visit. It’s a release without other risks in a lot of ways.

And after such, frankly, I’d be SO looking forward to getting home and well, you know the rest……..

I can’t explain it well (that’s the ADD part), but for me the addiction is sort of like strong coffee, and yet unlike some poor folks, I know where it ends………. in other words, you’ll never see me up on the wanted posters as a rapist (That’s more a violence and control thing anyway, and it PISSES ME OFF the thought of rape by anyone) or for that matter, anything else, but I consider it an addiction with me – one I do have some control over.

ADD and sex- it can cause issues “at the time” because of the attention needed, the distractions. Embarrassing, but here goes – anyone ever been involved and then had a cat walk over and “MEOW!”, for me, wow, that’s a killer. Talk about distractions………. uugghh. It’s then like, ok, where was I……… hahahaha.

So, the cats get fed and the DOOR CLOSED, first. Talk about setting a mood!

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[Patte Rosebank]

There’s another interesting fact that relates to why men tend to find porn and strippers way more arousing than women do.

Unlike female brains, the male brain is wired to respond to visual stimuli for sex. This applies to many species. Even roosters will become aroused when shown a photograph of a sexy hen. (Can you imagine being the scientist who had to write up the “request for funding” proposal for that study?)

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[JimC.]

@Eagerhelper: regardless of all that’s going on, take care of you first. Your esteem and emotions are yours and it’s important to keep them strong. If you go downhill then the whole situation simply worsens, so keep yourself together and that will be the best thing you can possibly do.

The rest will be up to your boyfriend and counselor(s). You can help but remember you are only part of the equation here, it’s the other person that is in need of understanding and help and self-recognition/change. You can’t do that for him, but by being strong, you protect yourself and help him the most.

Good luck, Jim

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[JimC.]

@Larynxa: just to add to your rooster research project, thought you might like this:

http://favim.com/orig/201107/04/alex-noriega-disney-porn-movies-prince-charming-quote-Favim.com-93175.jpg

And no I can’t imagine the business case. ;o)

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[Anonymous]

Thanks everyone. Unfortunately, I’ve tried all these things. I suggested going with him, but he said it wouldn’t be any fun. I’ve never told him he couldn’t go! He’s his own person and I can’t control his behavior. He DOES NOT go with buddies. I’d be much more comfortable with that. He goes ALONE. No one knows he goes and he won’t talk about it because he’s too ashamed. If he was going and coming home to give me the benefits, it might be different. But that is definitely not what happens. He goes, spends all his money, lies about it and suffers from deep, deep shame. This is not a healthy situation. It’s not just going out with your buddies for some fun and getting aroused and bringing it home to your girlfriend. Not at all. I wish it was. This is an addiction, and something that causes him tremendous pain. Also, he’s getting their phone numbers and having communication outside the club

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[Anonymous]

So, am I just doomed? Since there’s no chase left, will he NEVER be interested in me sexually again?

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[Anonymous]

Eagerhelper, I hope the therapy sessions offered some help? This sounds so painful, trashing your self confidence at the expense of someone who sounds indifferent to your feelings .. after all it isnt ‘just your problem’. Hell of a way to do Christmas.

I hope you have close friends that you can hang out with … or at least not be alone and miserable over this guy.

Is it that you are making all the effort in this relationship, or is he inloved in other ways that ” might ” compensate ?

Have to wonder if it is worth what you are going through, undermining yourself is a lousey way to be. Best of Luck

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[Anonymous]

Update: Is it possible that a little pill could make SUCH an enormous difference? I have no idea what happened, but my boyfriend has been taking Strattera for about 3 weeks, and the results seem too good to be true! I almost can’t believe it. He’s initiating, he’s totally present, there’s eye contact, everything is completely different. How is this possible? We had more intimate contact in a single weekend than we’d had in the 3 previous months combined. In addition to the changes in the bedroom, he’s also just communicating much better in general! Anyone have such a drastic experience with meds? It just feels too good to be true. Thanks to everyone who has offered support!

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[kc5jck]

Glad to hear it. It makes our day. I suppose that if you had any doubts about ADD being real or not, you’re a believer now. Now help us convince the rest of the world.

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[Anonymous]

Ummm, not to be graphic but

I’m a gal and apparently my brain is wired just like a male brain………..

Dinner and candles put me to sleep!

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[Author]

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