I don't know what to do with my life

[Anonymous]

munchkin, i love the icon you picked for your handle, it’s awesome, girl! so beautiful….thank you for giving me your own story and heads up, when i just finished reading your post right now, i just broke down into tears!!!

my husband has been threatening to kick me out too. he was actually going to send me and my son home to my mother’s house this summer…..not that my parents would not accept me but i do not want to be a burden to them and on top of that they are too old (dad is 93, mom is 80) their home is too messed up to live there and it would be just torture for me to go back into that house as it will be cramped sharing a bedroom with my kid. (though now, i also have them on my mind as well, because i’m doing more caregiving so it’s not a bad idea if i am close by…yeah, i considered that end of it too)…. he was just about to do it this summer, it’s EXACTLY what i’ve been going thru!!!! oh yeah, on top of that we both decided to give our son a med vacation. i do not mind doing that but unfortunately he put his foot down about putting him back on it this year though i told him that we need to do this to give him a fighting chance to be in school and productive. The intuniv for my son was a miracle, not a stimulant, just made him focus. He seemed so normal on it. When he’s off, not so much. I thought that this year since he did better without it during this summer, that it would translate into doing well at school. Though his behavior is a little better, his “star” chart shows that he’s had many more better days at school, the teacher told me that he is not ready to be mainstreamed this year. completely burst my bubble and broke my heart…. it was my hope that he could make it without the meds into a regular classroom. i know that this sounds very counterproductive because why would i medicate myself and then turn around and not medicate my own child? he complained about weird pains in his groin, it hurt to pee, had a lot more headaches, pains in his legs, and nightmares. weird side effects, i did not think that the sleepiness after school was bad because i let him take a nap afterwards but when he started in with the other stuff, my husband got worried about ruining his health long term. we don’t know what these drugs do to the children long term. i’m thinking that in the future i may not be a grandmother. stuff like that, in addition to him having problems with his brain or problems with his other parts of the body. i’m nervous about that too. so far, the maturity is not there yet, i’m hoping that he will get better as he gets older, because his other cousins have it and they seem ok and they do not take meds. they kind of grew out of it. so i’m hoping for the same for my boy. he only needs the meds when he is in school anyways, during the summer, it was difficult but not so bad since i was home for most of the day.

i’m hoping that if i do the RX, that it will also work for me. i wish that my hubby can do the turn around and realize that I no longer want to hide behind my undiagnosed ADHD (not that i was but everytime i tell him that i have it to please be patient, i’m sorry, i don’t mean to make stupid mistakes, lose things, not remember what i’m supposed to do next, etc…. he just loses it, and thinks that i am being weak and that ADHD is not real, just an EXCUSE….) I really do want to be productive, i’m willing to try anything at this point…….i do NOT want to apologize anymore and then 10 seconds later do the same thing. it’s so hollow and empty and “normal” people don’t like it when you keep saying sorry, though you are sincere……

most of all, i know this sounds like a line out of the wizard of oz, but if i only had a brain to match my heart, i would not be in this mess right now, i just want to understand ADHD better….i myself feel so clueless.

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[Anonymous]

hi billd, yup, i agree with sdwa “sdwa said >>Time expands and contracts<<”

you know what it ALSO feels like? that i’m in a bubble and that everything outside of it is going at the speed of light while i’m going at the “speed of slow”. that’s one of my husband’s catch phrases so i just borrowed “speed of slow!” i’m wildly trying to keep up with others but it’s almost like a bad dream and i realize i’m awake and so tired.

by the way, i finally am starting to feel relieved that i’m not alone. thank you everyone for your responses, it feels GOOD to talk to all of you. the fdark heavy fog cloud around my brain feels a just little lighter….

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[billd]

Gotta run so this will be uncharacteristically short – >

I read these posts from the ladies with ADD/ADHD, those married, and the issues they face with non-understanding husbands, etc. – I just get SO FURIOUS!

I can’t imagine how some guys treat their wives anyway, ticks me off to no end, but then to see how some treat the girl they married and I hope and assume, loved – to treat them that way. Total lack of respect, borders on selfishness.

You absolutely never treat a spouse that way, a woman, no matter what the ailment, physical, mental, whatever. It’s a bunch of crap, sorry, it’s just wrong. “sick” or not, the way men treat women just sucks. I hope someone sucker punches me really hard and good should I ever act that way toward someone I love.

I can and have tolerated a lot in life – haven’t most of us – but this just makes me want to scream really loud.

And being a “man” is no excuse, real men don’t behave that way, IMO.

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[munchkin]

Aww Bill – Chivalry is not dead It seems like the conventions and manners of how spouses treat each other are a lost art…

TotallyFG – I’m sorry you’re going through the same kind of stuff. I don’t have kids, so I don’t even know how much harder that would be. I hope things turn out the way you want them too, or at least “for the best.”

-Munch

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[Anonymous]

Thanks Billd for your comments. I agree with you btw. My ex didn’t treat me too well when we were together either. Of course I was completely undiagnosed and he thought I was just being rebellious or disrespecting him by not “trying” to keep a cleaner house, or trying to keep up with appointments and bills. When after we divorced I mentioned that I think I have ADD it’s like a light turned on in his head and he understood and apologized for all the fights over the house, kids, ect that we had. Plus his wife now has talked to me (we are friends) and told me that he’s told her how things were between us and that she’d have left really early on instead of sticking it out for 17 years like I did.

Totally, I’m sorry you are going through this with your husband, but you do have to take care of yourself first. I won the argument with my husband over my sons medication because he was deployed at war at the time and didn’t want to argue. But, we went through quite a few meds before we found the right one. If the side affects are too bad from the prior drug, I’d tell the dr and try to get something with less side affects but that still works. Every person is a little different and what works for one person may not work for another. He’s your son too, and your husband is not the king of your home. He doesn’t get to command you anything. If he is treating you that way, he’s wrong. Marriage is a partnership, not a boss-employee relationship. I’d suggest that after you get the right medication for yourself, and it might take a few tries, that you guys start some kind of counseling because quite frankly no one deserves to be treated the way he’s treating you. I know that being married/in a relationship with someone with ADD is tough, but that is not an excuse.

When I explained to my husband this about my son he finally relented even after he came home: I am disciplining Ben’s ADHD and I’m hurting Ben. In other words the behavioral problems were all caused by the impulse control issues of ADHD, and not Ben acting out. I told him I didn’t want to hurt Ben anymore and that if a medication helped him gain some control over the behavior then that was a great thing.

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[Anonymous]

Everything i read here resonates … just finding out what the crazy, hyper, monkey mind is.. helps.

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[Anonymous]

can i ask you all a brief question? what if i take the wellbutrin and it does not work? i’m nervous about taking it and i’m nervous about not taking it. this indecision is really killing me….what should i look for if i do take this med? i know i mentioned how intuniv for my son was a miracle… but as with all meds there are side effects. i’m trying to think or visualize what being on ADHD meds will be like for me…. in my mind’s eye, i can see that my house will sparkle and smell good with cleanliness, my paperwork won’t be stuffed in closets and in piles and plastic bags, i will be on time for everything, i will have enough time in the day to actually accomplish looking for work, interviewing and getting a job…i will also have time to just go get a cup a joe and enjoy my breaktimes once i do go back to work instead of cramming all my to-dos in my lunch hour and breaktime….this will make me very happy….i know that this is asking for a lot…. but this is what i want….how do i? when do i start? right now i’m sitting thinking and typing, happy to communicate with people in this forum, but i want to SO jump start and get OUT of my rut…i willing to take suggestions because i am motivated but i can’t see past this weird feeling in my brain of being so overwhelmed and i am not doing anything about it….just venting my thoughts……am i being unreasonable? am i being unrealistic? my husband tells me a lot when he does want to support me that i tend to bite off more than i chew that i baffle myself with my own bullsh’t that i run out of gas and i just STOP. he does not tell me a in a neg fashion or try to hurt my feelings but he said it so right on that i really agree with him on this one…. i just can’t get past this. not looking for counseling… don’t want to. just want to talk to regular people not a shrink. my doctor who prescribed med because I ASKED for it without knowing the full implications of what this med does. i am being driven to ask for meds becauise i do not know what else to do and i am so tired of being exhausted all the time and trying to roll this huge boulder up a hill like Sisyphus (i love Greek mythology!) that managing my household is slowly but surely grinding to a halt. i just want to roll up into fetal position but i am using every single shred of my willpower not to. i am depressed because i am not being productive.

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[billd]

>>what if i take the wellbutrin and it does not work? i’m nervous about taking it and i’m nervous about not taking it.<<

Advice – stop the “what if’s” now. Get past that – what if it doesn’t? Will you be worse off? If you follow a doctor’s orders (and I refuse to even hint that taking meds without a doctor helping is even remotely OK) and it doesn’t work – then they will find something that might.

There’s no guarantee any meds will help. Some may, some may not, some may help a little, and some may help a lot.

I’m on my THIRD drug in the last 6 months.

Strattera, bad side effects, no help.

Nuvigil, side effects (head aches, etc.) no help after the first 3 days – it was like side effects, but no help on the 4th day.

Currently generic Adderall XR 20mg. Sort of helping early in the day. Side effect – I’m finally staying awake during the day, sleeping well at night. It’s wearing thin on me, though – meaning I have noted after 2 weeks, it’s not as effective. So they will probably up the dose and see what happens.

I lived through 2 “what-if it doesn’t work” trials, and am on my third. I was happy even with the failures for this reason – now I know what does NOT help me, and what the effects were – we can now move on down the list. Even a failure can be a gain – sometimes it’s not finding what works, it’s figuring out what will not work – narrowing down the possibilities.

SEE A DOCTOR. I am a BIG, FIRM, HUGE believer that to take these meds without a doctor’s blessing is DANGEROUS and you can end up worse – even DEAD. ADD is bad, dead is even worse.

See my other post on this – meds will not fix this. They will be an aid so that YOU can fix this.

Compare to this: Your car won’t run right – it’s sluggish, runs poorly, and won’t get up to highway speed. There’s an engine problem.

Now you call a mechanic to fix it – problem is, he can’t because the door is locked and it is an inside hood release (ADD is the lock on the door)

You need to find the key to unlock it so that the mechanic can work on the engine.

Meds MAY be that key – but like all locks and keys – not every key will fit every lock, and if it fits, it still may not unlock the door. Only the right key (right med, right dose) will unlock it.

So you find the correct key and get the door unlocked. Great – now you can open the hood and work on the engine – but that part is up to you! (the mechanic). The drugs just unlocked the door – the rest is up to you.

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