I just don't know

[Anonymous]

Well here I am, 27 and hopefully on a path that will help get my life in order for both myself and my son. I finally went to someone who could help me figure out what was going on. After years of listening to my father telling me I had it, and never really understanding what what going on with me, I went to get some testing done. I was run through different memory tests, repetition tests, just a variety of timed tests and apparently there was a strong indication that I have ADD. No real signs of the hyperactivity, just the distractibility.

My life so far was that I grew up in a tiny town, had good teachers and great parents to help me. I was crazy in childhood, always terrorizing people, if anyone irritated me I tended to react and they enjoyed egging me on to it. Friend would taunt me, I’d get angry and chase him, catch him, and put him in an arm bar, we would get up, start laughing, he would give me a shove, taunt again, I’d chase him down, and draw x’s on his forehead with markers. It continued like that up till grade 7 with me getting sent to the principles office, or vice principles office (who also happened to be my father) for punishment for one thing or another. For some reason when grade 7 hit, things calmed down a lot for me. I started spending more time just drifting in my own thoughts, daydreaming without ever remembering what about. My temper went from short to almost non-existent. Not long after I also started drinking, and a short time after that smoking marijuana as well. I was never really constant with either, but twice a month or so at the start. I didn’t have much trouble in school, never needed to study, stayed up till 3 am almost every night reading novels on nights I said I was studying. I did try to study, but I could never get past the first page, every time I tried I just couldn’t get far, and the nights where I refused to give up and read a book I enjoyed, I awoke to have to remove the text book from my face from sleeping on it, still not more than 3 pages from where I started. My life continued like this for the rest of school, even in grade 12 I graduated with honors without ever having to study. Then I hit university, out of the small town and into something a little bigger, started off fine, then in subsequent terms only attend 3 classes a term, my two midterms and my final. To say the least I got through a year and a half before getting kicked out, to return to my small town life to try and sort things out. Not long after I went to college instead, attended 2 years before having to stop because of bad grades, followed by a year break, then attempting it again, to hardly attend class. Yet another year after that of working, and one last attempt, only to have a son born, and no income to support him so I used my student loan to pay for rent that year, and started working for 2 more years. It was at this point I did the testing, they gave me the ideas of it, and I started trying medication. I tried ritaline with absolutely no change in me up to 50 mg a day, then up to 20mg of dexidrine, at which point I was referred to another doctor who tried me on Vyvanse up to either 40 or 50 mg a day with no effect. After that it was on to Concerta, starting small and working up to 54 mg a day with yet again, no reaction at all. Now I am back on Dexidrine up to 60 mg taken in two parts over the day, and I still have no idea if it’s helping or not. I still cannot seem to focus on studying at all, I don’t even know if I have add. All I know is that time after time I have gone in to learn this information, I usually enjoy it at the time, and understand it all easily, but just can’t seem to study no matter what I try. I feel like I could be so much better, do so much more, get somewhere with my life rather than where I am right now, if only I could get a handle on myself. It drives me crazy thinking about how much time of my life has been wasted doing absolutely nothing, just going from day to day without ever thinking about where I was going, or what I was doing. How do you know for sure if you have ADD? How can you tell if medication is working or not? I have read many books on ADD and ADHD in an attempt to understand it, and I do believe that I do have ADD, but why doesn’t anything I do seem to help? I am on my last chance for school, trying to learn something I enjoy and getting funded to do so. If I don’t get through it this time then I am left with no means to go back to school for a long time, a huge student loan debt, and nothing to show for it, all while trying to support my son who I have half the time and share custody with his mother. What is wrong with me?

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[Anonymous]

I don’t know what the medication not working for you might mean but I have heard of ADHD symptoms caused by food allergies/intolorances. If the medication isn’t working maybe a diet change and (if you can keep it up) a food/symptom journal would be beneficial. There are a few standard ADD diet recomendations (reduce sugar, refined carbs, trans fats, processed foods). Though if they aren’t enough you could try an elimination diet (eliminate everything but the lowest allergenic foods) slowly adding foods in one week at a time and noting any change in your symptoms. If you have shared custody, I’d suggest starting while you don’t have your son as the first few days (as you detox) can be pretty irritable.

If your symptoms are severe, It might be helpful to find someone (holistic nutritionist or natural health practicioner) to guide you through. They can do the organisation/ menu planning for you and you’d just follow along.

Also I’ve heard a lot of positive experiences about low carb diets on ADHD symptoms. And a lot of OPINIONS that they don’t work or are unhealthy (though as of yet no bad EXPERIENCES). I’m researching this right now actually in a different thread. I know it has worked for me in the past and am curious how to get the bast results…

Good luck, I hope you find the answers you’re looking for

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[Anonymous]

P.S. Are you normally physically calm but tense? Do you need to change positions a lot? Do you have symptoms of impulsivity? Racing/multiple thoughts? Do you tend to speak (write) in run on sentances? Do you figit or pace without realising it? Have nocturnal symptoms like tossing/turning, tooth grinding, restless leg syndrome? Or become totally hyper when you drink?

You could be hyperactive on a lower scale than you used to be. I’ve just realised I am (see the conversation on Repressed Hyperactivity?!).

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[Rick Green – Founder of TotallyADD]

Cold Fire 5, that’s quite a story. And not an unusual one! (Which is the good news. Well, sort of good news.)

Great questions ‘distractomom’

I appreciate Cold Fire 5’s dilemma. One of the reasons that nothing seems to help is that your brain isn’t good a structure. So you feel like you can’t get anything accomplished. You probably are getting lots accomplished, just not what you want. Today I was supposed to do a dozen different things. Instead I watched some football, tidied some stuff, did two of the things on my list, sorted dishes, watched a program on the Marine Corps fighting in the Pacific… you get the idea.

(By the way, I’m alone most of today, which is never good. When Ava is here I’m much better at staying on task.)

The stuff that I didn’t get to was partly because I didn’t know where to start, and they seemed huge, overwhelming, beyond me.

One of the lines we use again and again in our video TotallyADD Tips for An Organized Life is the riddle, “How do you eat an entire elephant?” The answer, of course, is “One bit at a time.”

So for years one of my ‘To-Do’s’ had been to take the kids to Europe. And every year it was still there on my list. To do. Someday. Probably never.

When I would daydream of how great the trip would be I’d get sidetracked into wondering about money, booking, insurance, passports, schedules, getting time off, how to travel, where to go… Finally, one year, we received a very nice gift of money from my In-Laws. And Ava said, “This would pay for the trip to Paris.

So I did one small thing. I made a commitment to the kids, “We’re going to Paris.” Then I did the next step, which was to ask them when they could take two weeks off from school and summer jobs. While they were working that out, Ava started looking at airfares. I started a list of sights we should see. Once we had a date the kids were given ‘assignments’ to find out about how to get around Paris, about train fares, and so on. We sent out Emails and Facebook messages asking for suggestions on inexpensive spaces to stay and sure enough someone got us on to a small apartment that would sleep four, for $120 bucks a night. Incredible. And so it went.

When it would become overwhelming, I’d stop and break it down, and figure out what was one step I could take. And if I got stuck, I’d break that down.

So I get stuck when I confuse a single action, one small task, one doable ‘To-Do’ with … a a ‘big job’, a complex project, which has many steps. The trick is to start small. Pick one step in the right direction. And do that.

And if you can’t do that, then it probably means there is something in the way that has to be done first. A small task you need to finish first.

Rick

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[Anonymous]

Wow Rick ,you did more than I did today, lol.

Good point Rick. There’s only so much improving you can do with ADHD. Sometimes it comes down to just learning to love yourself as-is and being the best version of you possible (at least that’s what I got out of it). And if that’s with medication, or diet and exercise, or even “pat the bunny” therapy (I just made that one up but think I might try it soon), or some combination then that’s… Uhh, I lost my point. Anyway, after 20+ years of self loathing and poor self esteem, I’m finally getting there.

PS. I start with the loin, it’s usually the tastiest part of the elephant

PPS. ColdFire5 if you’ve been able to get this far in my post without zoning out then congrats. You’re doing well. Also ADHD is often comorbid with anxiety, depression and other emothional and learning disorders. So if you haven’t yet make sure you’re not being held back by something else too.

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[Anonymous]

PPPS ColdFire5, I was reading somewhere that sometimes improvements take time, and even though there’s some improvement we aren’t focusing on the improvement as much as what hasn’t improved yet. So for example, if you used to get distracted 10 times an hour and now your distracted 5 times an hour, that’s an improvement (hooray), but you wouldn’t realise it because you’re still distracted.

Also cognitive behavioural therapy can be helpful with learning the skills that maybe you were unable to learn growing up because of the ADHD. Its like teaching a child to read. There’s no pill that can make that happen. (Disclaimer: I’m not suggesting you stop taking the meds, they could have improved your focus enough to learn or relearn what you need to succeed).

Sorry for blathering on, its what I do

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[Anonymous]

Well I have just gotten over the flu, and haven’t taken medication in a while. While off I have noticed some differences. After the 2 day crash of nothing but being tired, my good old reliable energy kicked back in and so far I have noticed some differences compared to while I was medicated. First off, I have been just dropping things more frequently, tasks I was doing say for example, collecting the laundry, ended up a pile somewhere in the house when I got interested in something else. I have been tripping over my own tongue more frequently, mixing up the first letters of words with the one following, putting them in random order, little things like that. It never fully went away but it was less frequent. It seems that no matter if I’m on medication or not, sleep eludes me, as I usually run off 3 to 6 hours a night easily. Today I’m running on 2 hours and still am quite fine. I still haven’t been able to make any progress on studying, it just seems so impossible for me, I can hardly get past the first sentence, and the only time I can do any school work at all is when it is due and I no longer have enough time to finish it. I hyper focus a great deal, especially with computers, games, and novels. I would sit down and do nothing but look at pictures on facebook for 6 hours straight without hardly even blinking, and not realize where the time went. I have trouble breaking off from things, I know I should be doing something different, and say things like, ok after this one lets go take care of the houseplants, or “you know since you are on the computer, why not do your assignment” but i bypass it all, people giving me reminders, alarms, bedtimes. It drives me crazy because if I could just exert myself, even a little at something useful, I could go further, do better. I’m doing well in school, still 80’s and 90s, but once i get to the challenging things is where I worry about. If I can’t study, there’s no way I will be able to get through this. I’ve already tried many times, and I do enjoy it. I love working with my hands, setting things up in labs, but when it comes to the studying, my brain rebels. It is so painful to be able to read a 900 page book in a day and remember practically all of it, to turn around, break out a text book, and not be able to get through one page in 30 minutes, or to fall asleep while trying. Sorry I’m all over the place with this, I’ll answer a few of the questions and stop rambling for a minute or two.

First off, thank you Distractomom, I was incredibly happy to come back here and see that someone had posted, I know it seem’s silly, but for no other reason than that you replied, you gave me a little more hope.

With food, I have allergies, I am allergic to raw fruits and vegetables. But I don’t really have any sort of a set diet, sometimes I hardly eat and do nothing but drink lots of water, especially with the pills I am on, other times I will eat anything and everything I can get my hands on. I will do my best to try the reduced sugar, the rest may be a little harder, Im in school from 9 to 5 every day, then when I get out I rush around, and end up cooking something fast for supper, though sometimes it gets put down for fast food. I will look into the diet and try to change it. I know sugars arnt the best, and I have done a lot to get rid of how much I do take in, though pop always works its way back in. I love caffeine, and I don’t even know why, energy drinks usually put me to sleep in about 5 minutes. I don’t usually write or talk in run on sentences, I could ramble quite easily, but I was lucky with the school I grew up in, and small classes and dedicated teachers really helped, Because of that I am usually pretty good when it comes to grammar, and my parents got some manner deeply embedded in me, so instead of asking the questions I want to when listening to someone, I don’t and usually forget them. I day dream though much of it, always with one foot in the clouds, but part of the reason why I don’t really talk much is I have trouble hearing people. I don’t understand it much myself, if there’s quiet, I can hear very well, down to being able to hear an alarm clocks leds lighting up and turning off. When out in a public street or in a mall, I have to get people to repeat themselves over and over again, because I only catch pieces of what they say. It drives my girlfriend crazy, she is very soft spoken and doesn’t look at me when she talks to me, just keeps looking ahead, or doesn’t get my attention before she starts talking, so I hardly hear anything she says the first time.

I can’t say I’m constantly shifting positions, but I do put myself in odd ones, sitting on my legs, arms wrapped around one knee which my chin is resting on. People give a 27 year old odd looks when he is sitting with both knees up to his chin in a desk and not moving. I do keep my fingers moving a lot, and run through piano songs in my head while my fingers play along. When I was younger I certainly was hyperactive, but it’s almost as if when I started marijuana, the hyperactivity dropped greatly. I never did it during school and only one weekend in a while, but I wasn’t chasing people, doing stupid things, or generally making a nuisance of myself, as much anyway. When I sleep, I always sleep with one arm under the pillow, one leg cocked up to make a triangle, and if it’s just me in the bed, I don’t move until I wake up. I never remember any dreams I have, and it seems like I blink and it’s gone from night to day. I feel more rested, but i don’t have any more energy than if I slept for only 2 hours. If anything I am more groggy than anything else. I am generally a calm and collected person, but little things can just sometimes set me off for no good reason. My son spilling his juice on an otherwise perfect day makes me furious, though only for a split second. It doesn’t happen often, but it’s always there. I feel so frustrated these days more than anything, frustrated at all the people who were able to pick one thing and make a career out of it, and me back living with my mother after breaking up with my sons mother. I hate knowing that I can understand anything I want, that I can learn anything, if only I could apply myself. I have picked up a huge and odd variety of skills, but they all seem to be pointless things. If it’s important, I can’t focus on it, but if it’s redundant, I can hyper-focus? God it’s so aggravating

Thank you as well Rick, Sorry I never mentioned it sooner, but your comment meant a lot to me. I understand what you mean by how it can all get overwhelming. For me what makes it that way is I have to try and get everything as close to perfection as possible. I hate leaving things until I have given it the best of my ability, but if I stop before I finish, I never get back to it. How do you force yourself to do the important things, even 5% at a time. I would feel like nothing was getting done, get frustrated with how long it was taking me to do everything, and probably throw it all down to find a book to immerse myself in, or go through countless facebook pages. Half the time I wander around looking for something to do, but not wanting to do anything.

God I ramble too much sometimes, sorry to leave so abrupt but I have to get back to school before I’m late.

Thanks again!

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[Anonymous]

ColdFire5, jusy to clarify when I wrote “run-on sentances” I meant rambling too (which you just confirmeed , lol).

I found your challenges felt very familiar. Especially ignoring reminders. That drives me crazy.

Also the “selective focus”. I’ve always done that. I recently read an article on motivation, which had some tips for helping get motivated (like personalizing the task). I just haven’t felt motivated to implement them, lol.

The hearing thing is a filter thing I think. Its not that you can’t hear but that you hear so much, you can’t decide where to focus. It helps to be looking at the person or thing you want to focus on (also helps to be interested in the discussion). I think its the same as the “inattentive”. Personally I’m not ignoring things, I just can’t focus on one because there’s too much stimuli. (a related story: when I was a kid, my dad got stopped at customs because the customs agent thought I had shifty eyes. Of course they were shifting I was visually exploring my new surroundings)

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[Anonymous]

Hi ColdFire5!

I think I can say that almost all ADD people have difficulty with starting tasks or projects. Even though we know how important some of the tasks are we manage to spend inordinate amounts of time justifying why we can’t get started on them. For myself, I finally just had to tell myself to “Shut up!”(that’s in reference to my excuse-making/justifying why I just can’t get started dialogue). Then I tell myself to “Just DO IT!!!” Yeah, sometimes I have to be pretty brutal with myself. Oddly enough, whenever I try this strategy and go ahead and ‘just do it’, I find that I get it done and the task wasn’t nearly as onorous as I thought it would be.

We can be our own worse enemies. We have a hard time initiating tasks because that’s one of our traits. We’re procrastinators because getting started is tough for us. Giving myself the ‘earful’ has become enough for me to get going because I can well remember how terrible I felt when I didn’t get going on a job when I needed to do so. The truth is that the first step in getting started is probably difficult for everyone but the non-ADDer just doens’t complain as much as we do. (Well, I at least think we’re whiners- you know, the cup half-empty versus the cup half-full.) 🙄

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