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So we're loners so what?

So we're loners so what?2012-06-06T18:33:07+00:00

The Forums Forums Emotional Journey My Story So we're loners so what?

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  • #89178

    Anonymous
    Inactive
    Post count: 14413

    US ADDers have been labeled as loners. My Mom always thought of me as defective for not wanting to engage with people. She was always pushing me into something that I really didn’t want to do with people that I really don’t like. I tell her over and over again that she should be relieved and even grateful that I don’t do drugs or go out and commit crimes. But no she just kept pushing. If I got mad at her she would say that I was overreacting and needed more meds. So we’re loners. So what. If we don’t bother anybody why should it be an issue? I only believe in community only so much. Yes I favor taking mass transit over driving and yes I value the urban city over the suburb but I only want to be with people so much. I hate family reunions. Any thoughts people? Miguel

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    #101020

    kc5jck
    Participant
    Post count: 845

    I’m in. Sounds like something I might have written once upon a time. I’ve “mellowed” a bit, but completely understand your position.

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    #101021

    Anonymous
    Inactive
    Post count: 14413

    Miguel, for me, the family reunion depends on which family! lol The reunion with my blood family would be a strain and I’d just as soon not bother, although getting together with just my cousins can be good. The reunions with my husbands family are great – and then they all leave and that’s great too! But it’s a very small family.

    Some people do think it’s odd that I enjoy so much time alone, that I go places alone because I choose to do so. I like my own company! (And I need that time alone or I start to get very cranky.) And some of the time, I also enjoy getting together with a good friend or going somewhere with my husband.

    I remember when as a kid a family was coming to visit or our family was going there and I dreaded it. All I wanted was to head off to my favourite hidey hole with my current book! Since my husband is much the same, it’s a minor miracle that we ever got together!! lol

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    #101022

    sdwa
    Participant
    Post count: 363

    I am exactly the same way. I like to be alone, and find being in groups of people (parties, classes, family reunions, religious services, community gatherings, etc) to be incredibly stressful, irritating, intrusive, boring, and overwhelming. There is too much information flying around everywhere. I don’t like it. And can’t relate to what seems important to people for some obscure reason. I’ve been like this all my life.

    My son has ADHD and is exactly the same way (only more so – I used to have one or two close friends in person, but he makes his friends online and that’s it) – and I understand how he feels, so I don’t bother him about it. If it doesn’t upset him, why should it worry me? He is not pining away for an active social life. If I am honest with myself, I am not either – I just feel like I “should” be because others act like it’s important. I love to be alone, enjoying the scenery, thinking, day dreaming, relaxing.

    Recently I started reading a book about introversion and how introverts are the ones who go off by themselves to do creative and interesting things. The author is a self-proclaimed introvert and seems to think it’s dumb that society gives us all such a hard time. The book is called Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking. I find it interesting and validating.

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    #101023

    shutterbug55
    Participant
    Post count: 430

    Great Topic!!!

    I have briefly written about being a loner on several posts. I grew up in an urban neighborhood, full of the usual rogues gallery of kids you find in the city. I was always the odd one out and the go to guy for being picked on. Since I have been receiving treatment, I have had to review my childhood, and teen years and since I could remember, I would rather be alone, doing my own thing, rather than be with others. Yet at the same time look at people who get along in groups with envy… That would be a whole new topic.

    I keep saying I have agoraphobia, but that isn’t quite right. I don’t like being in the open, because I don’t like being “Watched”. My parents knew I was not “Normal” and monitored me fairly closely. I don’t like crowds, because crowds take so much energy for me to deal with distractions, noise, multiple conversations… the list goes on. Agoraphobia is just an easy tag to put on it.

    I am content to be by myself, tinkering with a project around the house, doing my chores and going about my business. Do I need people. No. I resist the tag of “Loner” because of all the negative connotations that go with it, thanks to our entertainment/news programs.

    Would I classify myself as a loner? No.

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    #101024

    sdwa
    Participant
    Post count: 363

    Shutterbug55 – That is interesting, what you say about agoraphobia. Because I feel like that also. I am not really “afraid” – I just don’t like the feeling of not knowing what to expect, or the sense of information or the need to interact coming at me from all sides. I like to be outside if I’m in a natural setting – open space doesn’t bother me if it’s on a mountain top looking down on a field of wildflowers, or sitting on an empty beach. But I don’t like living in the city with hundreds of people around. It’s as if they all give off too much energy and it makes me feel jammed up and flooded somehow. Clutter has a similar effect, as if every object were a demand. I like people well enough, but find that I get fatigued after about two hours one-on-one in the company of anyone. Medication has smoothed the rough edges, makes me less irritable, but I still prefer silence and empty space.

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    #101025

    Scattybird
    Participant
    Post count: 1096

    Ditto sdwa – absolutely ditto.

    :)

    Big crowds are horrific – one or two people are OK. Parties are a nightmare but doing something nice with one or two people is good, but preferably when I am not stressed by work. But I like my own ‘space’. I have a very people orientated job so not sure if I like being alone just because people make constant demands of me all day and I need to unwind, or whether that’s my norm. I suspect the latter.

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    #101026

    shutterbug55
    Participant
    Post count: 430

    Scatty! You are a genius! I do like to be with people. One on one. or in small groups. I am fine, and I enjoy the company. Crowds. NO WAY! It makes my BP go up just thinking about it.

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    #101027

    Scattybird
    Participant
    Post count: 1096

    shutterbug55 – wow – I wish you did my annual appraisals – words like genius never crop up on my forms!

    :)

    Guess we’re kindred spirits!

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    #101028

    Anonymous
    Inactive
    Post count: 14413

    I live in Miami now and everything is so spread out. I used to live in the NYC-NJ metro area and while there was tons of people there commuting all over the place I love NYC because I can people watch without ever having to do anything with them. I can be blissfully anonymous in a crowd. That’s the love of NYC. You can be in a crowd and alone at the same time. I do like talking to kindred spirits but unfortunately they are few and far between. I treasure those moments. I hated being made to dance in a family party when I didn’t want to because I didn’t like being watched. I do dance occasionally. My most memorable party was at a club here in Miami where I danced with this beautiful woman who was my co-worker at a school. I wanted that night to last forever. I remember it like is was yesterday eventhough it was back in May 31, 2007. It was just us. The two years I spent working at that school was awesome because I was working alone most of the time as the security guard at the entrance and whenever people came to me it was on my own terms and with kindred spirits and even if it was not always pleasant then at least it was in doses I could stand. Miguel

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    #101029

    Scattybird
    Participant
    Post count: 1096

    Miguel – I think you made an important point when you said you can talk to people on your own terms.

    I can talk to a lecture hall full of students and be quite happy to break up the lecture with anecdotes and interaction. That’s on my terms.

    Put me with the same number of people in a social setting and I am out of there…fast! Not my terms.

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    #101030

    Anonymous
    Inactive
    Post count: 14413

    You got it scatty you got it! Thanks! And we’re thought of as strange for being like that. Miguel

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    #101031

    Robbo
    Member
    Post count: 929

    It’s not a crime to be a “loner”, and it’s also important to understand who’s definition of a loner we’re listening to. I kinda need to just forget about what the world thinks of me. Forget about how I’m being judged. I don’t represent people with ADHD any more than I represent any particular religion. I’m a Christian, but even being a Christian can mean lot’s of things that are definitely not true about me. It’s a journey.

    Mostly, I like doing things alone. Life is less complicated this way, I can have my music as loud as I want to. And practice playing with my guitar without driving anyone batty. Then I get lonely. So, I try to get myself involved in the community. Nowadays more than ever in my life I think. That’s very difficult. VERY.

    Along with being more socially active I get a certain amount of rejection. That’s just part of life. The downside of being a loner is that I have never really developed the social skills that any other normal 47 year old man has. Right now I’m okay with that. But lately I’ve been letting the fact that I don’t fit in very much bother me more than it probably should.

    It’s a good thing I’ve got this web site along with lots of other new places in my life to come to, and feel much less alone.

    The built in Internet we have in my apartment complex has been down for about a week, so that’s why I haven’t been around. Just in case anyone was wondering. It made me realize that maybe I depend on this web site too much to keep myself happy. The truth is out there. Eventually I’ll gather more clues. For now, I’ll probably keep trying to cut back on how much time I spend here. I just hope you guys don’t think it’s cuz I don’t like you. Cuz I really do like a lot of folks in this camp. I’ve missed you guys over the last week. later tonight I’ll have more time to come n hang out.

    Peace

    6-13-12

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    #101032

    nellie
    Member
    Post count: 596

    Interesting posts.I guess the connotation of loner tends to be negative but the more I think about it I guess it depends on whether one chooses to be away from others as a matter of preference or whether a person spends time alone because they are unable to connect to others and have relationships. For myself I think it’s a mix of the two. While I do have close friendships and positive family relationships I’m not one of those people with a huge social circle. Although I would say I “know ” lots of people. Just wouldn’t call them up to chit chat or go to the movies:-) I don’t need a huge crowd around me and tend to do activities on my own. On the other hand, if I’m invited to some sort of gathering I’m happy to attend. Of course, compared to the acquaintances I have who seem to have a revolving door in their home that is constantly swinging to welcome drop-in visitors for a beer or whatever, then I’m just a step away from being the crazy cat lady at the end of the lane:-)

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    #101033

    Anonymous
    Inactive
    Post count: 14413

    You know what’s weird? I like to travel alone. It’s one of my favorite things… packing a backpack and just up and going and not having to deal with the noise and clatter and needs and demands of other people. I don’t know how you can get anything out of traveling in a group.

    Oh… BTW… I’m new here. Cool site.

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