Tired of it all…

[Anonymous]

I was diagnosed with ADD when I was around 7 and have been on medication since then…I’m 20 and in my last semester of college now. I don’t remember much of myself as an ADD child, except that I was put in special classes for English and Math when I failed grade 2, and to be completely honest I have great memories from those special classes (really it was just a small bunch of kids with similar learning disabilities and the teacher was more available and able to help us). I didnt really excel in school as it was always a struggle, I could sit at the dinner table and stare at the wall for two hours and find that highly more entertaining that doing homework. Im sure you all can relate to that feeling. I felt stupid, since I had a sister who was on the honor roll nearly every term and got medals and such at graduation…I could never get the grade she got, I never resented her for it, but I always wished I could bring home report cards that weren’t littered with 60’s and 70’s when she got 80’s and 90’s.

I never felt any negative effects of my medication and my ADD until I was actually old enough to realize what was going on. My last two years and my college years have been pretty dismal. I started to actually notice how I was feeling and I didn’t like it. I was feeling down and depressed more often and I would not take my medication on some days just so I could feel like myself for a few hours. I was on Ritalin all through elementary school, then went on Conerta for a year a two in high school, but my mother hated how I acted on it (I cant really remember, but she says I was really mean…) and then I switch back to Ritalin in my first 3 semesters of college, I was taking 2 pills everyday, sometimes 2 and a half. I realized that Ritalin was no longer lasting long enough and that it was just no longer working. My doctor then prescribed me Adderall RX, I take 25mg of it on school day. And to be honest it works 65% of the time, when I’m on it I can focus somewhat, but its the crash at the end of the day, paired with the exhaustion of school and work and public transportation, that I loath.

My two years of college have been really difficult, my motivation has come to a stand still and I find it excruciatingly difficult to finished school work. Can ADD get worse? Because I think mine has…

I’ve gone through many things personally that have not helped with the depression, or depressing feelings. My Grandfather passed away on Christmas day 2 years ago, and the winter I started a “relationship” with a guy and it was just weird and strange and intense and it took so much out of me because I wasnt really ready for a relationship then, I think I was trying to find something good to focus on in the midst of the grief of losing my Grandfather. That relationship ended in the spring and that summer I found out the my Grandmothers cancer had returned after 7 years of remission, and my mother also go sick that summer, it was to serious but it was still scary. We also had to put my dog down which was just the last straw for me. I think I have depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder, but I have days where I can be completely happy…although there are never days where I am not anxious.

I know the ADD paired with the medication can lead to depression and anxiety and Im really feeling it now, lately, in the last 2 years…

Im thinking of going to see the school counselor, but I’m scared to tell me parents. Maybe they’ll think I’m begin over dramatic…which I can be.

But really, I just want to talk to someone who will tell me that I will be OK. I want someone to understand how I feel, because no one I know can…and I just feel alone and just tired of having to try so hard to stay focused.

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[Anonymous]

Hey Jellybean……my take on such things goes like this. If I feel a need to speak to a professional or somebody to help me sort things (anything) out then, I do that, without hesitation.!!! It is my life and my welfare, my health…I’m the only one responsible for my well being, nobody else…I’m the one who has to live with me…not anybody else. If somebody (particularly family) interferes, (and from time to time they try) it is my duty to me, to thank them for their love and concern, but I also inform them “this is my life…..and I must follow what I feel is in my best interest”.

I listen to my heart…it is my guide.

Toofat

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[Anonymous]

Wow. You have had a lot going on in your life recently! I suggest that you don’t worry too much about “worsening” of your ADD, because anxiety and depression can also be causes of similar symptoms to ADD, and would also result in the feeling of your medication not working. With all the upsets in your life, you probably do have some sort of anxiety, depression, or both, as you suspect. Your medication could still be perfect for dealing with your ADD symptoms, but with anxiety and depression also causing distraction, poor concentration, low mood, and whatever else, you end up feeling like your ADD is not controlled.

I suggest you seek some sort of treatment to help you deal with the losses in your life, and to get a handle on the depression and anxiety you have. Seeing the school counsellor is a great idea. But remember that if you do not feel as if you have been heard, then go and see somebody else, rather than just putting up with somebody you feel uncomfortable with. And try to see a doctor too, as you might need antidepressants to get you through this slump (and some antidepressants have anti-anxiety properties too), even with the help of the counsellor to talk things over with.

Maybe the counsellor might help you with telling your parents. As a parent myself, I might feel a “get over it” sort of feeling initially, but if I then saw a determination to find help, then I would take things seriously. I know if my son complained of feeling unwell and not wanting to go to school, but had stayed up late all week and raced around doing his various activities, then I would think “get over it and go to school”, but if he showed me he was genuinely feeling unwell by going to bed early and not running around too much, and seeking treatment in some way, then I would take him much more seriously. Parents can mostly tell when a child is seriously worried about something, and hopefully your parents fall into this category. But if they don’t, then try not to hold it against them (as it will just mess with your life further) and keep searching for help.

You have had the strength to deal with a tough life so far, so you have the strength to address your problems and move on in your life. I remember feeling the same way as you when I was the same age. I felt very alone too. Study was hard work, my peers seemed to have goals in life and I didn’t, I struggled to meet people who I felt comfortable being with, and life just sucked!!

But I did get through it in the end, because just one thing that I chose to do ended up having a ripple effect and life suddenly improved. My choice happened to be leaving uni, as it got me away from all those “successful” people I had been comparing myself to (those with part time jobs, good grades, heaps of friends), which had an immediate effect on my mood. I still floundered around, not knowing what I wanted out of life, but my head was in a better space. Your choice might be to talk to your parents, or see a doctor, or see the councillor, or something I have not thought of, but as long as you don’t allow yourself to wallow in your current life without making an attempt to move forward, then you will eventually find that “better” head space.

Good luck and ((((hugs))))

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[Anonymous]

Sorry. I didn’t mean to write an essay for you to have to plow your way through 😳

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[kc5jck]

This is perhaps a really random ADD thought, but I read a book “Heaven is for Real” available from Amazon (you can get more info from the net) which I would recommend to anyone, dealing with losses or not. It’;s about a little boy and his story. If nothing else, it may distract you for a while.

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[billd]

It’s your life – you need to live it. Do what you need as far as talking to someone. Counselors are there for a reason, and not just for school-shootings and grief counseling. DO IT.

You ARE 20 – your parents should be there for support now, not so much criticism. I know my mother would raise #@%$ if I felt as you do, and had been through so much and did NOT go seek help for my feelings.

Your feelings are not right or wrong.

I say do what you need to do to get YOUR life back. It was given to you for a reason – might as well make the best of it. I suspect with your very clear writing there’s a lot of potential there.

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[resipsa]

Jellybean … when I read your post I thought perhaps I had written the thing. After careful consideration I eventually concluded I had not written the post because, as a middle aged guy, I was reasonably certain I would not have chosen “Jellybean” as my screen name. That being said, there are some days …

As for counseling, I think billd phrased it well, “Counselors are there for a reason …”. Do you tell your parents??? I’m a parent. Parents can be funny creatures. My boys are out of college now but if they had then told me they felt they needed counseling, all I would want to know is if there was anything at all they wanted me to do to help.

Can ADD get worse? Oy. I don’t know the answer to that one but I know it sure can feel like your ADD is getting worse because as time goes by, in college or at work, the standards by which we are judged get tougher. You may have learned to keep 12 balls in the air at a time but then sure as the sun rises, some putz is going to give you more balls to juggle. I had a professor in college (a looong time ago) tell us his toilet bowl theory of life. You spend all you time and energy to swim to the side of the bowl and just when you get to the edge, just when you get to safety and can rest … you get flushed.

I too was diagnosed with ADD when I was 7 or 8. I dealt with it with varying degrees of success through college and law school. I have a couple suggestions for you.

First, get into a study group or get a study budy. The purpose of the group or study budy is not just to get together and read the material in silence, the purpose is to actually discuss the material. By talking about the material you are giving your brain additional opportunities to build the connections among those damn synapses. I don’t know about you but my synapses needed all the help they could get.

Secondly, at you really need to get 60 minutes of solid exercise a day. I know, I know, the training conventional wisdom is 3-5x/week. I have two responses: 1) you’re 20 years old and 2) you have ADD. I college I swam and after college I took up running. Either one can be done with the brain on autopilot.

Jellybean, all any of can do is to keep plugging away. Hang in there.

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[billd]

Yes, it’s getting worse for me, and I noted that as I turned 50+………… at 54, it’s really bad for me.

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[Anonymous]

Thank you all so much for your replies! Its baffling to me that people actually took the time to read my entry… it means a lot.

Thank you! I’m taking everyone’s advice into consideration.

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[Anonymous]

Jellybean. Your story of public school was very familiar. Decades later, I still torment myself with “could do betters” .. dwelling on the past is its own little trip to hell and should be avoided .. I have been told to stay in the present, dwelling on neither the past nor the future, and some few times I can do it for a bit. Drugs, sleep, exercise, what ever you find that helps.

One book I found helpful is Dr. J. Barkley Taking Charge of ADHD … good stuff, no smoke and mirrors, helpful even.. good luck.

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[Curlymoe115]

Well as the others said, Get counseling if you feel there is a problem Number two, why do your parents have to know if you feel any criticism coming from them. As a 20 year old you can contact a counselor and they have no reason to contact your parents, especially not without your permission.

As Resipsa said the more balls you are trying to juggle, the more likely one or more balls are going to slip. And with all the losses in your life, you are looking at an abyss that can seem overwhelming. Hopefully you are taking something in College that you enjoy and can build a life around. If not then maybe in a few years you will have to go to College again. Not the worst thing that can happen. But the more that is going on in your life, the more overwhelming life seems. This happens to everyone, for us it can just seem worse because we have so much more going on in our head. Take a deep breath and just try to picture what happens next. Without the extra support do you feel that you will be able to pull out of the vortex you are currently in. What type of support do you think would be best for you. What do you envision the final outcome would be. If you think that anything will bring perfect peace and happiness, I am here to tell you it is never going to happen. Dirt happens, and then you die. Move on. If you think that you will get a better handle on the dips and valleys that inevitably come to all of us then you are looking at things a little more realistically. A counselor is there to make sure that you have the coping mechanisms to recognize your own voice and to have the best outlook to handle life. They will never offer guarantees or happiness.

I am not trying to discourage you from seeking help, just letting you know that even with help nothing will be perfect. Perfect doesn’t exist. But you can be happier then you are now, and you can start to view yourself as a success instead of the second class child your parents had. We all have strengths, sometimes we just have to look a little harder to find them. Good luck finding your passion in life.

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[Anonymous]

Jellybean – Seeing a school counselor is a good first step, but you need to talk to your physician about your medications as well as your added stressors of school and family pressures. You may need your medications adjusted. You may also benefit from a good therapist, someone with experience with ADD and young adults. As a Mom of a college-aged daughter with ADD (I’m the “Queen Bee” ADD who “gave” ADD to her ), I’ll tell you that I find I need to step back and have told my daughter that she needs to work with those who will help her, even if the advise and treatment they give or recommend is not what I would choose. She has to live with the consequences, I don’t. Just a thought.

I hope that you situation improves soon. Be kind to yourself, you’re doing a lot, you’re becoming a self-reliant adult, and college at your stage is trying without ADD; with it, you have to go above and beyond to achieve what your fellow, non-ADD students accomplish. Try to be proud of what you have accomplished. Good luck, and know that your adulthood is just beginning, you have time to grow and find your path.

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[Anonymous]

Hey Jellybean, your story rings home and I strongly suggest you remember toofat’s post as it is exactly what I believe. There is no shame in getting help, and it is your life, you living with this, and no one else.

Dr.Writermom also has some good advice, and just remember, we here all understand what you are going through and are here for you

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[Anonymous]

Jellybean —

first, let me say that I am so terribly sorry for all of your loss and pain. a lot of important insight has already been made, but if I may, I’d like to echo others’ encouragement that you find a capable, empathetic therapist with whom you feel comfortable (and, eventually, safe).

I spent eight years working with the same doctor. I can’t site sources in particular because… I have pretty much no academic research skills whatsoever… BUT “studies have shown” and I have experienced first-hand that just having someone to listen with empathy to our stories and suffering not only allows emotional healing, but it also creates **new neuron pathways in the brain** that enable us to more effectively manage similar emotional stress in the future.

without the help and support of my doctor, Clare, I am certain that I’d never have graduated college, and there is a real possibility that I would be dead – not to be morbid, but, the truth is that in my early 20s after enduring my parents’ long-over-due divorce, the death of my grandfather (who lived across the street all the while I was growing up and was one of the *very* few steadfast people in my life), and a lifetime of living with the violent rage of an alcoholic father who *hated* me for speaking about my own experience of sexual abuse while he suffered alone in his memory of being raped (until finally he snapped and *screamed* at me to my face that I knew nothing of misery) — I began experiencing uncontrollable hallucinations of my own death. I was a shell. a zombie. it felt like maybe death really was the only escape.

without the healing I experienced in those 8 years working with my doctor (it’s not a fast process), I can easily imagine that I would have given up entirely.

obviously the particulars of our suffering differ – but from your writing I imagine that its intensity is similar. it is true that in life we will always be faced with pain, loss, and disappointment, but, at least for me, therapy was a way to not only heal the wounds of my childhood, but also deal more successfully with the trials I face now. it helped me learn how to articulate my emotions in ways that made processing and responding to them much less difficult – and less painful.

for me, ADHD has always meant that in order to stay engaged with what is difficult I very often require consistent 1:1 guidance and support. in the same way that my Grandpa sat with me through every single math lesson I ever completed from first grade until I graduated high school, my doctor, Clare, patiently sat with me through eight years of emotional homework, and it changed my life.

there is hope.

also, most likely a reading “assignment” is not helpful right now, but if in the years to come you ever happen upon the book

“Anger: Wisdom for cooling the flames” by Thich Nhat Hanh

check it out! or buy it… or download it to your Nook…

never in my life have I experienced such simple, soothing grace expressed in written word. his humility is astonishing. I could literally feel his heart with my heart.

clearly, you are a remarkable writer. TNH writes about the power of writing – in particular, letters – to heal ourselves and our relationships. he insists that through sharing our stories, with compassion for ourselves and others, we bring light to the world — but first we must tell and listen to our own stories – and that is the life-giving work of therapy.

ooookay, sorry for being a big huge sap, but, Little Sister, I know you got it in ya

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[Author]

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