too much focus?

[sb12]

I just want advice or maybe just to talk to people who understand.  So after some initial freak out over my new medication, it seems to have evened out.  The only time it seems too strong is if I get nervous it’s almost like I get an extra shot of adrenaline . But I’ve learned to control it. So now I’m taking 20 mg Focalin in the morning and 10 mg instant release in the afternoon and sometimes in the evening.  I haven’t been prescribed the instant release for the evening yet but I’ve been doubling up.  I see my doctor again in a week and I will let her know.  It just wears off by six and I’m a single mom.  a lot happens after 6 o’clock at night you know?  So here is my question or comment or whatever.  I am afraid that when I go back to work in September I won’t be able to do my job as well . I am a special education teacher and I need to be able to flip back-and-forth between situations all day that’s why I’m so good at my job I think partly BECAUSE of the ADD.  I’ve always been terrible of course about remembering meetings or having the correct papers run off or filing things I need or completing important paperwork when it needs to be done which I know will be fine now, it was for the last few weeks of school. But the most important part of my job is the kids and figuring out ways to make them learn and have always been very good at that I’m just afraid that my brain is not going to be as creative to think of ways so easily to change things up if something isn’t working . I believe that’s my gift I’m able to reach kids that haven’t been able to be reached in the past and I’m terrified that this medicine makes me so focused that the creativity I need to figure out on the spot the best way to get a child to learn something is going to be gone . I mean I guess I can plan things out better in advance which I never did before ever , but for the last 10 years that’s not how I’ve done it . And I’m afraid. I don’t know if maybe another medication will be better make me less focused on one thing at a time if you know what I mean more able to bounce around because I really feel like I need that in my job.   It’s almost like I might do better if I only had the medicine at 2 PM and then I could do any paperwork or anything like that I need to come home and deal with all the bills and housework and stuff , I don’t know I just feel like I lost a really important part of myself.  Also I feel bad because my daughter is five almost six , and very smart . Definitely not a ADD LOL so that’s good , but I guess I never expected much of her before because I was always not paying attention or just not prioritizing important things. Like I would spend way too much time on the Internet just procrastinating or we would just go play outside and now I’m trying to expect more things of her and I get annoyed and I yell to quickly I think like yesterday she sat down on something dirty entered dance costume right before her recital and I yelled. As we’re before I highly doubt I would’ve ever noticed . So I just feel bad that I’m on her case more.  But I guess that’s what being a parent is about, right ? Not all fun and games. It’s weird because the medication I feel gives me an ability to see things more clearly but I don’t exactly know what to do with it because I never learned. Anyway any advice or encouragement would be very much appreciated.

One more thing I do have to state some positives I’m able to do laundry and have it not sit on the couch for a week or only do dishes when we’ve run out of dishes to use.  I paid it past bill and sorted a stack of papers, and got the windshield fixed on my car . I remember to lock my door and my car doors and at the supermarket when I passed an aisle that had something I needed I had the patience to go back and get it and not just figure it didn’t matter because I didn’t feel like going back.  I was on time for work more often than not doing the last few weeks and we were also on time for my daughters recital and rehearsal . So those are all very good things.

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[sb12]

I thought of a few more things I’m proud of. I actually check my email now , before I never did because it was just too much for me to handle which sounds so crazy but it just was so I avoided it.  And I don’t lose things nearly as much which is great. I do feel like my sense of humor is kind of gone like I don’t say silly things spur of the moment as much anymore and people used always crack up at me so that kind of stinks.  I think that is maybe because before I wasn’t really focused on what I was supposed to be focused on and was able to then think of jokes instead which I guess is positive and negative really. Oh, I planted my garden!   For the first time on my own so that was great .  I’ve even remembered to check to see if it was dry once LOL.  so one more thing next year in the classroom I’m being placed with the new teacher who has a corrective plan because she needs help quite frankly . They put her with me because they think she could learn a lot from me in terms of teaching techniques, management and having true bonds with the students . I’m afraid that I’m not gonna be that same teacher anymore.  maybe like vyvanse would be a better option for me because I’ve heard it’s not as strong . But there are so many positives I really don’t know what is best.

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