[ashockley55]

Just wanted to say, I have this problem too.  Major.

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[ashockley55]

That was an excellent response, Larynxa.

Not that you need me to pat you on the back!

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[ashockley55]

I’ve been to therapists off and on for years, before realizing that I have ADHD.

When I did realize that ADHD was (one of) my issue(s), I went back to try and find someone to help me.  I talked to a therapist, or social worker, or something, I don’t even remember now.

I very explicitly stated that I wanted to be evaluated for ADHD.  The woman had to go through her intake process, though, which involves asking a bunch of questions about my family, history, etc.  I answered all her questions.  I brought up ADHD again.  She looked at me, stated, “You seem calm,” and moved on.

Sure.  I seemed calm.  What I should have done is let loose the series of curse words, blasphemes and insults I had racing through my mind through the entire intake interview.  I should have told her that I could tell her that the clock to her right did a weird ticking thing where the second hand seemed to go backward just before it went forward.  I should have told her all about the random items on her desk that I had observed and considered, my brain desperately trying to entertain itself during the intake interview so that I wouldn’t jump up and slap her, or myself, or the walls.

Sure, it’s called “calm.”  It’s also called “adulthood.”  It’s also called years and years of social training, to which I have responded to rather nicely, despite a few slips here and there.

And then I should’ve told her that she is an ugly, brittle-haired waste of my time.

And then I should have got up, walked out, and left, just after I looked over my shoulder and told her, “How do you feel now?  Calm?”

But I didn’t do any of that.

So I guess I don’t have ADHD.

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[ashockley55]

Solid?  And reliable?  Me?  Really?

Now, character….character I believe.  I’m definitely a character.

Ha ha! 🙂

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[ashockley55]

Oh yes, @MarieAngell, I don’t know if it’s even possible to get the One True Diagnosis for me, ha ha, I think I’ve got a cluster of so much going on, but hearing about this SCT thing, I was like, hmmmmm….

To answer your question, I’ve tried Strattera, which gave me horrible heart burn, which sounds so lame, like, really?  horrible?  How can heart burn be THAT bad, take some Pepto and get over it, but, really, it really was that. bad.  And I’ve tried different varieties of methylphenidate – the quick release, the not-so-quick release, the even-less-quick release, and various strengths, ranging from 10 – 30 mg, and they all had basically the same effect – lots of energy, lots of follow-through, lots of pep, lots of confidence, even!, but no focus, no calm, no peaceful brain, then, when it wore off…..sad times.  Especially with the 30 mg of the extra-duper-super extended release supposed to last a long time stuff.  I felt energized, talkative, confident (sounds like manic, but it wasn’t, just normal levels of all that stuff), but when it wore off?  I remember exactly when and where I was when it wore off.  I was sitting on the toilet in the bathroom in a building on campus during my week-long residency for grad school.  I was stareing at the crotch of my underwear, and suddenly I thought, “If I didn’t have people around me right now, I would be afraid for myself, that I might do something stupid and take my own life, because I feel really, really extremely depressed right now, suddenly.”

That was my last experience with trying to get any medication or any form of formal treatment.  I haven’t been back to the psychiatrist I was seeing because it cost too much, both the copay and the gas to get to the appointment, and I haven’t been back to the closer to home, less expensive family doctor because she acted like a word I can’t say here when I wouldn’t take the antidepressants she was trying to feed me.

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[ashockley55]

I’m thinking Sluggish Cognitive Tempo because of how tired I am, plus the anxiety stuff, plus the excessive procrasination.

And YES! @MarieAngell when I took the medication, the thing I valued most about it was how it allowed me to not be so devastatingly tired all the time.  Stimulant meds are used in some Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (which I’ve wondered if I have) patients, and I can see why.

My thing though, and the reason I was SO disappointed in the meds, is that they gave me energy, they gave me the get up and go to get CERTAIN things done, and helped me a bit with following through with getting things done, selecting which things to do, doing them quickly, instead of doing them in a sort of distractable dream-like fog, but they did NOT help me do things like writing or school work.

I was able to have the energy and motivation to do housework, but not the calmness and focus to sit down and write.  Very disappointed about that.

So when I saw that stimulants aren’t often effective for SCT, I’m wondering if that wasn’t why – they give you energy, some focus, but not the calm, not the slowing down to allow you to do things that require a significant amount of brain work, things that you really want to do, but somehow can’t will yourself to do, because of that anxiety/procrastination thing that seems to be so high particularly with Primarily Inattentive/SCT.

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[ashockley55]

Bringing this back up, picking up where we left off.

When I look back on growing up, as Kc5jck suggested, I was a very shy, withdrawn child.  I’ve spent time watching a couple of the Russell Barkley videos, and it really seems to be an either/or:

Either you were a active, hyper, maybe even violent, certainly an ornery kid who nobody wanted to be around because they were a pain in the ass, even the teachers, with tendencies toward defiance, or you were a space-cadet, dreamy-eyed, loner of a shy kid who had a few close friends, was smart, but struggled in school.

I completely and totally fit that later category.

Except…..

There are a few things that fit more in the wild/rambunctious/eager to be stimulated more typical ADHD category.

I was certainly, and continue to be, eager for attention as a child.  This often manifested in me doing highly unusual, weird, odd things like mix ketchup and pepper in my vanilla milkshake on my girlscouts trip to McDonald’s.  Then drink it.  This was a big incident.

Now, as an adult, I continue to seek Attention (to myself) and Stimulation.  I’m still shy, I’m still awkward, I still become very quiet and silent in groups, not knowing how or when to get a word in edgewise……….but I’m a burlesque dancer on the weekends.  I love it because the attention is on me and I don’t have to worry about figuring out how to stand out and be polite at the same time, how to not interrupt, but still get attention.  I’m given the stage!

I often feel like a walking oxymoron.  I’m incredibly shy, to the point of selective mutism in certain situations, but in others, I’m……well, wild.

I read this snippet in the wikipedia entry on Sluggish Cognitive Tempo, it was in parenthesis, about how people with SCT behave much like people with traditional ADHD if the person with SCT is in “an excited state.”

Maybe that’s what’s going on?

I don’t know.  I always feel both exhausted, yet bored to death.  Like something bigger than what is happening should be happening.  But I’m so anxiety-ridden by what IS happening (trying to maintain interest in boring conversations, trying not to say the wrong thing, trying to be polite, trying to act like I haven’t just blanked out and have no idea what they were saying because, Lord help me, they are going on and on and on about something so completely uninteresting, why can’t someone say something interesting???????)

Anyway, also I’m tired a lot and nap mid-day for hours at a time.

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[ashockley55]

@haraldbenz,

(wonder if I did that “@” linking thing right?)

Ha!  Thanks!  That’s awesome, because I can’t even drink!  You’ll be drinking for me!

If I think about it, Valentine’s really isn’t the holiday for me anyway, because I can’t drink OR have chocolate.  That latter, I leave myself a little leeway (sp?).  I do have chocolate from time to time.  There would be daily news reports of catastrophe abounding if I did not get to have a sweet from time to time.  I get very……angry.

I’m thinking of starting an anti-Valentine’s Day campaign on my blog.  Just sort of humorous, not truly, truly bitter. (Grinding my teeth.)  I already have a couple videos saved on my intrawebs taskbar to share.  Also, I’m thinking of writing a completely hysterical “50 Shades of Fail”.  Ha ha HA HA HA I’m laughing just thinking about it.

 

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[ashockley55]

quizzical – I noticed the same thing with my med too!  You described my experience to a T.

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[ashockley55]

MarieAngell,

I’m not good with the concept of time, or time passing, or anything along the time-space continuum at all, but, just guessing/feeling…it feels like several months? since my diagnosis.

At first, I was hella excited.  I was just excited a) something fit, like, fit all the way, instead of just partially (like Bipolar, and Borderline Personality Disorder) and b) that someone was hearing me out about it.  I got a prescription, took it, and was pretty elated with that, too.  It gave me energy, motivation, and I didn’t have those cravings for fast food.  Whaaaa?  I was amazed at what I could accomplish.  Litter box scooped, YES!  Dishes washed, YES!  Dog walked, YES!

However, the energy was…energy.  There was no peace or calm.  I was confident and upbeat, but still not able to sit down, calm down and work on tasks they required a thoughtful, peaceful, calm mind.

Plus, the positive effects of my medication wore off after about three to four hours.  It was supposed to be an extended release medication.

My search for treatment has not been very successful thus far.  There’s a poverty issue – I’m on disability and work as a part-time waitress; even with health insurance, I can’t afford the co-pay’s for visits to the doctor, especially not a specialist, or often the medication.  Plus, the physician’s assistant who I was seeing, and who I LOVED and felt comfortable with – moved to Africa.  Yes.  Africa.  That Africa.

My last interaction with my family doctor was when she became visibly irritated that I hadn’t taken an anti-depressant she wanted me to try.  By visibly irritated, I mean that she became red in the face, pursed her lips, and stopped making eye contact with me for the remainder of my appointment.

So….there’s a whole lot of information in addition to the information you actually asked for, MarieAngell 😉

To try and haul this post back on topic, since getting my diagnosis, a lot of my behaviors in relationships do make sense – the saying “I love you” too soon, the emotional extremes in general, the constant need to please, the constant worrying, the agitation and holding back the urge/need to talk, talk, talk constantly about All. The. Feelings. and. Things. That. Happen. In. My. Brain., even when I’m not sure what my feelings are, or if I communicate my feelings and then they immediately change, and/or were communicated inappropriately the few times I do try to communicate my feelings  including the highly detrimental episode wherein I told someone that I wanted to “date other people” IMMEDIATELY following…intimacy events between us when, in hindsight, what I really felt/wanted to say was, “Hey, after finding out that you’ve had other affairs, I’m scared that I don’t mean as much to you as I thought I did. I’m afraid I am/will end up just another one of those affairs. I need some reassurance that that’s not true.”

I’m not very receptive to my emotions, I try to express them because I often feel they are wrong/extreme. I don’t want to embarrass myself. I do fire a warning shot at the beginning of my relationships, “Hey, heh heh, I’m kinda crazy…just so you know.” But then, I spend the entirety of the relationship behaving in Superficially Very Emotionally Stable ways, not expressing disappointment, or anger, or frustration, or, really, any of my wants and desires.  I am happy.  I am content.  I am fine.   I don’t talk about it if I’m not.  Then, maybe partly because of the ADD, also partly because of the constant bottling up of my emotions, when I do finally say something…it’s extreme and embarrassing.

 

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[ashockley55]

I’m a single lesbian living in a small city in a very conservative part of my country.  I’m not originally from this city, I moved here with my girlfriend at the time (we broke up, she left, I stayed; that’s another story), so I have no family here, and very few friends.  The friends I have who are also lesbian are already coupled.  The single lesbians I’ve been introduced to are not my type, I don’t find attractive and/or don’t share my interests.  I’m still in love with/hung up on the woman that I met while I was here in this city and stayed here for.  She is in a partnership with another woman who she’s been with for almost twenty years.  They have two children.  I was involved in an affair with her for a little over a year, then she took a promotion and became less available for extracurricular activities/people outside of her job and family.  But hey, that’s okay.  I’m used to being loved for only a little while, then left.  Being a mistress, then being abandoned fits in very well with my experience in this world and beliefs about myself.

So, yes.  Valentine’s Day sucks.

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[ashockley55]

I’ve been taking a beta blocker for a few years because of a condition called POTS – Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome, that I developed after a serious viral illness.  For me, the beta blocker is meant to control the tachycardia that occurs whenever I stand.

It wasn’t until after (a long while after) I started taking the beta blocker, and very recently, that I started recognizing that I had symptoms of ADD, but I will say that, looking back, I don’t necessarily see a sudden increase of symptoms to do with taking the beta blocker.  I am very lethargic and fatigued throughout the day, which could be due to the tachycardia, the (inattentive?) ADD, and/or the beta blocker, or the depression, or anxiety or…..you get the point.

But as I said, looking back, I’ve always been very easily overwhelmed, and impulsive, and impatient, though maybe my ability to concentrate for extended periods of time has gotten worse since on the beta blocker?

I’ve been on so many drugs, for so many reasons, with so many side effects – it’s hard to keep up with anything anymore.

 

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[ashockley55]

Alphabetical order.  Can’t remember where I heard this, but it helps me in matters of less consequence, such as “Which restaurant shall I go to?”

For example, one starts with “B,” the other with “M.”  “B” is first in the alphabet, so I shall go to “B.”

If I have a very strong, immediate reaction of, “But no!  I want to go to “M!”  Well, then, my mind’s still made up, isn’t it?

Even when you don’t take the alphabetical choice, the tactic works because it helps you to clarify and know your feelings without agonizing over it.

Or maybe it just helps me to make the decision because it gives me something to stamp my foot at and say “No” to?  Sometimes I like to be contrary.

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[ashockley55]

I struggle with this a LOT too.  It’s comforting to know that I’m not alone in this with my fellow ADD’ers.

I’ve wondered if the constant ruminating over social/relationship issues met the level of an anxiety disorder – generalized anxiety, perhaps social anxiety (although I take the latter to indicate more of a problem with strangers, which I also have).

In ANY case *ahem*, it does cause a fair amount of worry and stress, and we all know what worry and stress do.  They wear you out.  They make you increasingly vulnerable to more emotional stress, and physical illness.

Right now, for example, I have a cold, so I’m feeling particularly worn out.

Which, actually, is helping with my worry and perfectionistic (social and otherwise, because, isn’t being always socially reliable a form of perfectionism?) obsessions.

I’ve done a lot of “Agghhh, to heck with it” today, and without the usual guilt.  The sore throat, the fatigue, have necessarily slowed me down and forced me to take care of myself.

I turned down a neighbor who wanted me to come eat some of her chicken salad.

I didn’t go to an event that I had planned on going to and had said I would go to.

Instead, I sat and rested and watched television.  I had some soup, and many many pieces of hard candy.

Here’s something that might help.  The next time one of us feels that twinge of guilt that we’re turning someone down, or disappointing someone in some way, we should check what we’re thinking THEY’RE thinking in our heads.

Usually, I tend to think in extremes when I try to imagine how someone else might respond to me expressing something I don’t usually express (like “No” or “I don’t like that” or “I don’t want to).  I imagine up scenarios of them becoming very angry, or hating me, abandoning me.

But, 1) Those reactions are highly unlikely, in fact.

2) Despite (or because of) my usual sensitivity to what others are thinking, I can not really truly actually read others’ minds.  Yes, I am perceptive.  But I am also highly pessimistic.

3) Even if they do hate me or abandon me, does that mean that I have lost all hope for the rest of my life?  I’ve been abandoned before.  I’m resiliant, I can be resiliant again.  I can make new friends, etc.  People like me very easily because I’m a kind, funny person.  Maybe I do have some issues to work on, but I am working on those.

Those are the things I try to tell myself when I’m struggling with being honest, with disappointing someone.  I’m not always successful.  I do a lot of worrying, and I do a lot of stuff that I don’t want to do, but I’m trying to find my way and balance it out and take care of me.

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[ashockley55]

Larynxa,

I too was diagnosed at some point with Bipolar II.  I was also given Seroquel, a tiny dose comparatively, that I took at night.  It helped me sleep.  I’ve also been prescriped anti-depressants, several of them, over and over again.  They seem to be any given doctor’s Very Most Favorite Thing to give me.

Do you believe that you do indeed have Bipolar II, or did getting a diagnosis of ADD clarify for you what was really going on?

I don’t believe that I have Bipolar II, but that I actually have a combination of Depression, Anxiety and ADD that looks a lot like Bipolar II at first glance.  When I realized I wasn’t suffering from Bipolar Disorder, I was quick to get off the medications I was prescribed for it.

Maybe it’s my perfectionism, but I’m so hung up on getting the Right medication and the correct diagnosis, that I never considered continuing any drug once I realized that it wasn’t for what I had most recently been diagnosed with (ie ADD).

Even though the Seroquel worked like a charm.  And I’m someone who would stay wide awake on a full dose of Ambien.  It didn’t even phase me, not one bit.

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