[gianmaria]

Hi.

I’m in the same situation. My ADD was diagnosed shortly after the birth of my third kid. I have now one 6-year old, a daughter of 4 and the baby is now 2.

My wedding bed has now become “the-thing-to-move-away-and-then-back-to-its-place-when-I’m-vacuum-cleaning”, given that both my sleep and my sex-life have known a major drawbacks since… well since a long time.

My doctor is of the advice that without some decent sleeping habits (like going to bed and waking up at the same time) and some effort to try to get some sleep, the medication won’t be as effective.

Needless to say i suck at both.

I rely massively on coffee and chocolate to keep the energy level up, which I suppose is bad.

The problem is also that what I tried so far either had no effect, or made me very jumpy and nervous.

I’m thinking about alternatives to medication, unless I can find something that helps without the side-effects.

As you would know from your older child, the sleep of your newborn will improve with time. Sure, even when he won’t need as much feeding during the night, there will be the chance you’ll have to wake up in the middle of the night (hell, my 4-year old daughter still does wake up at 3 a.m. at times) but it’ll get better.

I realize I’m not giving much advice.

To ensure some level of functionality I have seriously cut the amount of extra activities. I wonder if there is anything you can give up for a while,in order to gain some extra time to either get some rest or help with the parental duties.

 

 

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[gianmaria]

Hi helena,
I feel for you. I was diagnosed ADD only last year, and I’m 35. Luckily I did not have to confront my parents on this. Not that they would have been dismissive, but I can see how they could have said something similar. Hell, I was very much like that until not so long ago. I would often pass “moral” judgement on people suffering from depression, anxiety or with learning disabilities… or on their parents.

I kind of get the “wishful thinking” idea. I often (and I feel so bad admitting this) saw people stuck in bad places in their lives as kind of enjoying self-commiseration, like they lacked the will to change.

An ADD diagnose would be like a free ticket to just do nothing about one’s problem.

That is what my 20-year old self would have thought, and I can see how that attitude could have been influenced by my parents (whom I love very much and have been good parents, all things considered).

Today I have some problems with my spouse. She does accept the diagnosis and has tried to understand what this is about.

However I’ve got the impression that she thinks I want to use ADD as an excuse for acting like an a****le.

It often feels like the old “well, it’s up to you” thing. Of course the difference is that she has to live with me and we are supposed to relate to one another as peers, and that is not often the case.

I suppose that I must learn to accept how she feels. She has every right to get frustrated at me…

but I digress.

On the site you’ll find plentiful of tips on how to handle people who are dismissive or outright ignorant about ADD.

I also encourage you to reach out to other ADDers (like you did when writing to this forum). Not feeling alone in you struggle helps a great deal.

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[gianmaria]

Hi,

 

thanks for your remarks.

Seeing other people “making it” doesn’t bother me that much, and frankly those that actually “make it” are those who have the skills (hacks don’t last)

I perfectly know how you feel about time. I experienced the same (although in a less dramatic fashion) at work. Checking completed tasks off the list for 4 hours and then realize I’ve not being googling or surfing every other minute and that it’s only lunch time.

Unfortunately the amount of work is sometimes so huge,  I could be still checking things off the list at 5 o’clock and still not be done.

On the other hand, and what I’m the proudest of, I’ve found myself marking things as DONE in my personal “to-do” list, things that were like there since forever. And I did them bit by bit.

Even if those should be the things I should be more eager to do, it’s very easy for me to procrastinate because of othere “priorities”.

Of course my job is a priority (no one wants to get fired) but I cannot use that as an excuse for everything.

Rick’s advice to break big goals down to single achievable tasks is a good one (a thecnique I was told, was also used by Julius Caesar, who used to take on big problems by “deconstructing” them in to smaller ones to be tackled one by one)

I’m still trying to find a way to better manage the repeated chores like cooking, ironing, loading the washing machine normally.

I’ve noticed that now I can enter some sort of “get-things-done-craze” which makes me a bit intense, while my objective is to finally be able to just go along with it, without either loosing time or becoming impatient.

 

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[gianmaria]

Hallo and welcome adventroverted

I had a very similar experience to yours, except I’ve been diagnosed only last year (I’m going for 35)

I’ll spare you the re-telling of my journey 5i’ve written extensively about it maybe you can go check my older posts clicking on my name)

 

I was surprised as well when I was prescribed Concerta right after the diagnosis, which also seemed to be done quite quickly.

Concerta 27mg did not seem to help much, so we increased to a stronger dose, but that made me way to grumpy and jumpy without actually helping me concentrate (and my heart was also pumping harder).

I seem to have found my med in Rilatine 20 modified release.

Actually the difference is light night and day. Which is unnerving to an extent. I did not know meds could have such an effect on our behaviour (which makes me also question the whole notion of free will at times, but I digress…)

Logn story short: it can take some time before you the medication that suits you the best.

On top of that, medications won’t solve your problems (Time management in particular is a b***h. I know)

What I’ve noticed is that Rilatine simply removes an obstacle, albeit a massive one, but it’s then up to me to make something of my new lucid self.

If it can be of any relief, 11 years after my graduation in Fine Arts I’m still stuck with a costumer support job I pretty much hate, with little-next-to-none artistic accomplishments actually reached.

(And I wasn’t certainly reaching for the moon: I just wanted to be a cartoonist or a comic book artist, go figure).

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[gianmaria]

Hi lollibyte.

I’m having some hard time with medications too. I’ve been diagnosed recently (I’m 34) and except the gender, I would say my story is pretty much like yours. I’ve been helped a great deal by a great family, good teachers, good friends, so much so that I never felt an “underachiever” or a “troubled kid” in my childhood and teen years.

Anyway. I started with a low dose of Concerta, which I could tolerate very well. Except the loss of appetite, everything was like before. Maybe too much, for I could not really tell the difference in focus.

I went to a stronger dose of Concerta but now, after 2 months I’m not entirely happy. While I can focus on “boring” tasks for longer without drifting I feel very very nervous the whole time and my heart is beating “harder” (not necessarily faster, but I feel it in my chest).

This nervousness makes me a lot less nice to be around.

I didn’t feel this tense since I had exams at university. And while I can manage feeling tense or nervous when something’s on, I can even say I like the adrenaline kick I get when I do art or perform or I have a date (oh, well I’m married now, but I used to like the excitement of a date) – I cannot stand to feel like that for no apparent reason.

to a degree it’s like Concerta is putting me in an exited mood which usually helps me do stuff, but it’s only my body that get excited, not my brains .

 

I don’t know if this makes any sense to anybody.

I must also say that while concentration is improved, motivation hasn’t and I still have a long way to go. I pointed out to my Psy that my wife did not notice great improvements in time or task management. So she would like to put me on Rilatine, but I’m afraid I’ll feel even more boosted.

 

I suppose I’ll wait and see. If it does not feel good, then I probably let it go.

At least I know where I’m at and I have a better understanding of my condition. It’s possible I’ll have to make some major changes (find a Job that suits me more, learn tricks to manage time and tasks – which I’m doing already) and so on.

This isn’t an advice, you better check with your doctor, but expect effects from meds because they do have effects.

 

Have a nice day

 

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[gianmaria]

Hi phoenix16

I’d also try to get a proper diagnosis.

Don’t be afraid to be inquisitive about it with whoever you manage to get an appointment with.

(actually a good Psych/counselor will be inquisitive as well, won’t rule anything out and will give a diagnose only when there is strong evidence to support it)

I’d like to know why discussing it with your family is so out of the question.

If you want proper screening, it is likely that you’ll have to involve them as well, especially to document your behaviour in early childhood.
If you are just afraid of how they may react, well… this site provides a lot of tutorials for such situations. And give them the chance to surprise you positively.

If there are other issues, well, you best discuss these issue with a counselor.

On a personal note, I had also issues to adapt to university, but I wasn’t in college, I’ve studied in the same town I used to live in with my parents so I wasn’t totally on my own.

I had to come up with several strategies to help me through it. And even if the grades were excellent, it stayed hard all the way through.

(My underachievment started right after university ;-))

good luck and keep us posted.

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[gianmaria]

Hi rollinggcloudd!

Welcome to the Forum.

As far as I know, it takes time to adjust to medications, so nothing peculiar there.

It can be indeed disorienting to respond differently to what basically are the same surroundings and stimuli.

Concentra took away a great deal of my appetite, which was quite strange for me (never been a compulsive eater, but I’ve always enjoyed food)

A thought: one of the reasons we take meds is to help us cope with the issues ADD brigs about in our lives, with our loved ones or our jobs.

ADD is not the ISSUE PER SE, but only when it interferes with some activities, so we end up losing our jobs, our friends or our money.

If I were a well-off bachelor rock-star touring the world stages, probably my ADD wouldn’t constitute a problem and I wouldn’t bother even thinking about it (if I were to know I had it) because it would suit my lifestyle.

 

Not knowing what your problems were BEFORE, how you came to suspect having ADD, or why you were diagnosed, it’s hard to give any advice.

Anyway, thanks for sharing and for speaking up. There is no such thing as a stupid question around here.

 

 

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[gianmaria]

Wow. this looks like a very interesting conversation.

And I topic I think a grat deal.

Are my duties as a father and a husband keeping me from reaching my potential?

Possibly. But to be honest, I think without a spouse my life would be now pretty much the same disaster in terms of PERSONAL accomplishments.

And  it would also be devoid of the happiness brought by my kids

I guess no one can really tell. Unless we could be shown in a Frank-Capra’s-movie- fashion what our lives would be if we were or weren’t married, we must accept the idea that we COULD be equally happy or even happier otherwise.

But that does not mean we must change our resolutions.

You think a family is a bad idea for you? that’s ok. Don’t feel challanged.

I don’t like the pressure a lot of people is put under: you should marry! you should have kids! As if this is the only important achievment one can dream of. I suppose women feel this a lot more, not because of biology, but just because society in general pushes that role-model.

 

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[gianmaria]

No it is not just you.

£Wanna know my list?

Doing the groceries= work

Calling friends= work

Choosing/buyng a present for an imminent birthday= work

Showing up at dinner/party/bbq= work

Shaving= work

attending your kid’s end of the year play= work

Not to talk about the chores! The funny thing is that it is often ME who brings things up in conversations: “My god, the car is filthy! Oh dear, we still have to install those shelves! Hey, shouldn’t we paste the pictures of Adam’s 5th birthday  in our photo-album? You know, before he goes to college?”

 

On a more serious note.

I remember reading one article about procrastinations which had a brilliant insight, perfectly applicable here: for some people everything should feel good. Which is pretty silly when you think about it. Guess it’s part of having unbalanced brains. It’s like some people have one of those drop counters to keeps them supplied with a regular stream of satisfaction and tranquility so they can go about their days with no problem.

I’m more like a junkie who cannot get his kicks but by doing some special thing, while everything else seems tedious and pointless.

and the minute I say that something “must”, it’s the minute I’m practically writing it off my list of priorities.

On the other hand, we could use this to propel the quest for a more meaningful life.

In the words of Joseph Campbell:
“Your real duty is to go away from the community to find your bliss.

The society is the enemy when it imposes its structures on the individual.
On the dragon there are many scales. Every one of them says “Thou Shalt.”
Kill the dragon “Thou Shalt.”
When one has killed that dragon, one has become The Child.

Breaking out is following your bliss pattern, quitting the old place, starting your hero journey, following your bliss.
You throw off yesterday as the snake sheds its skin.

—
Follow your bliss.
The heroic life is living the individual adventure”

 

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[gianmaria]

Hi Blackdog and thanks for the kind words.

Don’t talk about not being able to go to bed.

I struggle witht his daily! at 8h30, when i tuck the kids in I almost regularly fall asleep while reading their bedtime story.

I then crawl back downstairs to help the wife with the reparations for the day to come (lunchboxes for the kids, tidying up the stuff lying around…). I usually do not feel like doing anything of importance, like getting back at the drawing board or replying that lenghty e-mail from a friend I haven’t seen in a while.

Nope. That’s too much effort.

Maybe I’ll iron some clothes, so I’ll prove I’m a good man of the house…

Nothing on TV, ok , I’ll just check YouTube, or some news site.

cut to TWO or THREE hours later: I’m still browsing the internet.

I feel like crap (pardon my French) because I could have done some useful things, or I could have done the things I always complain not having the time to do (like finishing that award-winning graphic novel I have thought up) or I just could have slept (once in bed, I can usually fall asleep pretty easy)

But no.

I just stayed awake to feel bad about myself after a wile. I finally get in bad crying promising myself tomorrow I’ll cut the crap and get real.

Until it’s 8h30 again at night and I’m tucking them in…

I think much of the problem is that I do not want to admit there are problems, because I’m afraid the people around me won’t accept it.

They’ll think I’m just making excuses.

So all the feelings I’m going through stay with me…

 

Don’t know if that makes any sense…

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[gianmaria]

Hi Ramblinon,

I’m still around. But I have very little to add about my own experience at the moment. the doctor who was helping me has difficult visting hours pretty incompatible with my working hours and it is very hard to get an appointment at any other psychiatrician in my town, waiting lists are really long… result > I’m not in treatment.
I manage quite well, luckyly, but my forgetfulness is still pretty bad.

I’m not a professional cartoonist. I’d rather call myself a missed opportunity. But I still cannot bring myself to give up, so I still make stuff every now and then  (My three kids keep me quite busy)

 

 

 

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[gianmaria]

Thank you for your attempt at humor.

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[gianmaria]

I tend to agree with the above replies.
Usually in a “mixed marriage”, the non-ADD partner tends to take care of a lot of practical stuff to compensate for the ADD partner issues in keeping up.
From what you write, you do a lot already.

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[gianmaria]

@Larynxa
I haven’t drawn clockfaces recently, but I must have at one point.
Maybe even many, considering I do like making comics. I have drawn or doodled a lot of stuff in my life.
I cannot say for certian I always used to put the “quarter numbers” first, but I’d say, yeah, that is the way I’d do it.
But only because it makes visaully more sense. By going linear it’s very likely that people will screw up the spaces and not be able to fit all the numbers.

I’ve seen this exercise done by an Alzheimer patient in a Louis Theroux reportage. She could not even WRITE the numbers right, let alone place them correctly. Quite scary stuff, considering that the person in question was still relatively young and seemed all right.

I usually go for these oblique strategies to avoid confusion. I was helping my son building a truck with LEGO the other month and what I did to facilitate the search of the tiny little bricks was to organize them first by color: all red pieces here, then all yellow pieces there and so on.

I don’t know if this says anything about a condition, though. I would not think so.

About Anxiety: I may suffer from it. It does fit the bill. I’ve suffered from anxiety disorders between the age of 19 and 20, triggered by my problems in choosing a faculty and a career plan.
I had quite divergent ideas: artist, bricklayer or priest. No kidding.

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[gianmaria]

thanks a lot for your insightful post, Procrastina-Tron
I should write down a couple of the things you say and keep them in my wallet.

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