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squirrelygirl

squirrelygirl2012-11-13T13:00:41+00:00

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  • in reply to: Anger and Frustration #126324

    squirrelygirl
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    Post count: 15

    That’s is great news, yassmtm!  Sounds like you are young so having this figured out sooner than later will really make your life better 🙂  I’m and have had depression most of my life, but I now realize it’s likely secondary to ADD.  A friend who also has ADD and was diagnosed when he was a kid told me that he always thought I was ADD, which is what got me investigating it.  When I read about it, everything clicked and I realized that it was what had caused my depression all along, always feeling inadequate, incompetent, never living up to self-imposed expectations and potential.  Since learning about this, I, too, have felt much less depressed and even went off the anti-depressant I had been on for many years! I do feel that my depression was always more situational, though probably do have a little bit of physiological depression underlying everything – my grandmother was purported to be manic-depressive.

    Anyway, I’m happy for you and both of us need to remind ourselves when we find ourselves having negative thoughts that it is the ADD/ADHD!

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    in reply to: Anger and Frustration #126319

    squirrelygirl
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    BTW, yassmtm, have you been officially diagnosed?  I haven’t, but am starting the process.  The doc doing the testing identified anxiety and OCD for sure – I probably have all the greatist hit comorbidities – I’ll be completely shocked if he determines I DON’T have ADD!

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    in reply to: Anger and Frustration #126318

    squirrelygirl
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    yassmtm, LOL!  Well, I wrote way too much and managed to get it posted!  that’s another issue – not being able to be concise!  Well, I empathize with you 🙂

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    in reply to: Anger and Frustration #126315

    squirrelygirl
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    yassmtm, I’m also stubborn!  My husband says I’m stubborn, sensitive, hypersensitive about criticism, and I know I’m easily frustrated and can be snappy when I’m in these moods. And yes, when I lose it, he says I get myself so worked up – I can be wailing like the world is ending!  Then, when I look back on the episode, I think wow, what the heck was that all about?  Geesh!  I used to also get really depressed during these episodes, feeling like a total loser.  I’m really done with being like that!

    Recently, my husband asked me to put away garden tools that were out (because I used them and didn’t put them away, ahem) because a storm was coming.  I thought I got everything, tried really hard to accomplish that goal before he came home.  He later approached me and said that I said I had put the tools away but there were still tools laying all over…well, I guess I overlooked some things…

    I fell down the rabbit hole…went down to the shop and stormed around putting stuff back, got so worked up I started crying, and then the inner dialogue started about how incompetent I was, useless, a loser…I basically had myself hysterical with all of this…My hubby came and found me like this, and gave me a hug and apologized about being a jerk saying what he said, that he forgot how sensitive I can be, and he was sorry.

    I went to a counselor who talked about “grounding” exercises.  I have to admit that a) I forget to do it and b) I’m not comfortable doing it, my mind fighting me all the way, trying to squirrel around all over the place…but one time I actually tried to do it when I was feeling I was losing it, and it did help me come back down to earth.   Well, today I forgot to do it, AND I was just in such a state I don’t think I could have done it if I’d tried!

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    in reply to: verbal diarrhea #126308

    squirrelygirl
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    This is an interesting topic!  I switch between talking too much, being shy and not wanting to risk talking because I tend to bore people, and then also having a tendency to tell people I don’t know very well too much about myself, which is perhaps part of the impulsivity/verbal diarrhea problem?  When I’ve read about the symptom of saying inappropriate things, well, a time or two I’ve maybe phrased things in a way that caused offense and so have learned to edit/withhold my thoughts, but then I realized that revealing too much personal info too soon might also be part of that.

    I envy the creative types like the comedians who can tell jokes and stories to get people to laugh, because that is a skill I don’t have!  I find myself boring people because I either try to fit in too many details that really aren’t important in a conversation, or I can’t remember names, details, places etc. so can’t tell a good story!  It’s always “if I could remember the name of that author/movie/book and if I could remember what it was actually about, I’d tell you – it was really good but.. never mind!

    So frustrating!

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    squirrelygirl
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    I can relate, as well.  I’ve yet to be diagnosed.  Went to a psychiatrist yesterday on referral from a counselor I saw (she was more alarmed by my “depressive brain” but also mentioned by concern about ADD.   A friend who was diagnosed as a child told me he always thought I had it, too.  I laughed it off, but then researched it and found that my whole life resonated with what I read about it. This psych sort of tried to derail me from the ADD diagnosis, thought there were some other things to look into like my slightly low thyroid…

    I believe my depression and low self esteem, which I have had as long as I can remember, are secondary to ADD. Thing is, I don’t have memories of how I was as a kid, other than pin-point moments here and there.  I was put in the MGM program in lower elementary but chose to opt out because I found it boring!  I have no recollection of my grades in junior high other than that I got an A in 9th grade Spanish, which was when we were to be conversational, but I never did speak it – still got an A because I could read and write it ok.  I call myself SquirrelyGirl because my brain is all over the place, especially with regards to remembering details in story-telling or articulating my knowledge of a subject…I can understand things when people explain it to me but can’t regurgitate the info back to save my life, just don’t remember names/details, etc.do remember getting in trouble with my parents when I was doing poorly in 7th grade social studies.  I hated the class, wasn’t interested in it, so did poorly.  Education and performance were important in our family and so I guess I managed to do ok in most things by way of adapting.  I do remember plagiarizing a favorite children’s book in a creative writing class because I just couldn’t get started with my own ideas.  I’m one of those people who WISH i was as creative as ADD people are purported to be!

    I did go to UCLA and get my BS in biology, but barely squeaked by with a 2.99 GPA.  I could only handle a 12 unit load (3 classes), and ended up dropping classes a few times and starting over when I got too behind or was going to fail.  Most people I knew were taking 16 units (4 classes).  It still took me a full four years to graduate even though I came in with 3 semesters of community college…

    I was so socially inept and shy that I didn’t fully take advantage of what was available – TA sections, office hours, work study…when I graduated, I never felt I had a competent handle on my area of study to start a career, so I started a “business” as a dog walker and then dog trainer because dogs and their behavior interested me.  I was never any great example of such, though, and ended up burning out, more from lack of self-worth than anything.  I’ve lived a life knowing that I was a smart person but never feeling good enough about myself to self-promote or take a chance trying to prove myself in my field of education.

    I can feel passionately about something but can’t articulate to others why, can’t reach for facts and names to support my views.  Have always felt socially awkward, different from other people. Have often wished joked to myself that I wish I could have a lobotomy so that I wouldn’t have to be me, so I could have a chance at being normal.

    I have made a fair number of impulsive decisions in my life, what I called poor judgement calls.  I’ve ruined vehicles by doing inattentive things (like putting an auto-transmission vehicle into park before climbing out, only to have it drive into a tree – almost had that happen a second time recently!).  Constantly forget what I was on my way to do mid-stride, because my brain is constantly wandering…

    I had made an appointment with another psychologist who does ADD testing before I saw this other guy, but the first appointment wasn’t available until this coming Monday.  I guess I will go see him, too.  My husband, who is the most skeptical human I know and will call “snake oil” on a lot of stuff, actually believed that I have ADD after reading some articles I had found on it.  He actually found another one on ADD in women that really fit!

    So, we’ll see what happens.  I’m not thrilled about going on the meds, but I do desire the mental clarity, and it would be nice to know that there’s a physical cause for my being such a slacker all my life 🙁  I’m tired of beating myself up for not being able to keep a cleaner house, for losing and ruining stuff (can’t have nice things!), for never making something of myself…It would be nice to figure out what I’d really like to do and be good at.

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    in reply to: Examples of inattentativeness #126289

    squirrelygirl
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    Yes, I recognize myself in all of these posts!  Leaving coffee in the microwave to reheat because I had forgotten all about it, only to find it there the next day, etc.

    I’ve got a few serious examples involving vehicles.  Years ago, I had my truck up at a pasture with my dogs.  One of them wouldn’t come when I called her, so I got in the truck to feign driving away; when she started coming, I got out of the truck to catch her up and put her in…except, I forgot to put it in park when I got out, and it drove off into a tree!  About a month ago, I was moving the truck for some reason (don’t remember why), got out for some reason (don’t remember why) and away it drove!  I had left the door open so was able to run and catch up to it and smash the break pedal down with my hands just short of it crashing!

    On another occasion years ago,  I drove the truck through an open gate onto a muddy road that was on an incline.  The truck lost traction and couldn’t move forward, so I thought I better back it up through the gate.  I had gotten out to look at the tires for some reason, so when I backed up, the door got caught on the gate post and hyperextended, causing much damage!  And low and behold, I did the exact same thing again not six months ago!

    Another one with the truck was when I was hauling a 5th wheel trailer that I was parking at a campground.  I unhitched the trailer from the truck bed, got in the truck to pull forward, and suddenly discovered that I had forgotten to put the tailgate down!  Totally mangled the tailgate!  I also pulled that trailer down a narrow, tree-lined driveway, with it’s windows open, such that the windows got torn off!  I’ve caused us a lot of financial damage over the years with these stupid, inattentive incidences!  I know there are more examples, just can’t remember them right now LOL!

     

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    in reply to: What's so wrong with what I'm doing? #126233

    squirrelygirl
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    @robynshnobyn, I commend you for trying to figure this out at your age!  You have your whole life in front of you and if you can get this figured out now, wow, I’m jealous!  I’m 49 and still trying to figure out what to do when I grow up LOL!

    Are you taking medication, and do you feel it is doing your job?

    When I was in high school, I was totally clueless about my future and what I should be doing, had no passion for anything in particular, and it didn’t help that there was no one externally cuing me to get ready…for life!  I had no idea that I was supposed to be doing things to improve my acceptance to good colleges, which was expected of me by my parents.  I was an introvert, socially isolated in school so didn’t pursue clubs…actually, I did join the equestrian club to make me look more active but then never went to the meetings, and you know what?  I think I forgot to go to them!  No one gave me guidance.

    When I went to college, I decided to be a biology major because that was the thing in high school that I actually did like.  But I had no idea what kind of job I would be aiming for when I got out.   I really liked animal behavior and ecology, but all I knew of such types was that they worked as field biologists, going off to far away places to work alone in the field, and at the time I had a boyfriend, a dog, and a family that expected regular contact.  Three things that didn’t add up for being a field biologist!  So, I didn’t even try.  Plus, I felt so timid about connecting with anyone who might have been an inspiration, something I regret.

    I became a dog walker and eventually a dog trainer because I loved dogs and the training tapped into the behavior stuff.  But, I wasn’t a good business person, not my forte, self-promotion, lack of confidence and self-esteem, etc.

    So, here I am at 49, really not very employable unless I want to work at Walmart, which would be a low wage soul-killing job for me.  I have so many regrets in my life, and it brings tears to my eyes even now!

    So, I am very happy for you that you are here and asking this question.  Why didn’t we have motivation?  I still don’t understand it.  Lots of people with ADHD do when they are able to tap into their talents, at least, so what’s it about?

    I don’t have advice for you other than to embrace this self-exploration, seek that counseling, try to find the help that allows you to find your lurking brilliance.  And then tell us about it 🙂

     

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    in reply to: Is it ADD/ADHD if you can't remember? #126232

    squirrelygirl
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    Thanks, shutterbug55 – I do have an appointment with a psychiatrist after going to a therapist – she referred me on, in large part because of my depression but also because my mind is not registering being present.  How can I explain?  My mind is so all over the place, and the way she sees it, my brain doesn’t properly write memories/experiences because I’m just flitting along thinking about everything else but what I am actually doing/experiencing.  She gave me the job of practicing grounding, which so far I have been a failure at doing.   I forget to do it, first of all, and then when I try, I can’t reign in my thoughts to focus on the grounding.

    As far as impairing, well, I’ve got a lifestyle at the moment that protects me from being hugely impaired.  I’m not employed, don’t have children, and rarely leave the house unless I have to.  Even with no gainful employment, I still can’t get the house cleaned – if I tackle one area with the help of music, that is all I can handle for the day, and then the rest of the house is coming apart and I feel overwhelmed by the clutter and dirt building around me.  I have also neglected the outdoor chores because there is so much to address that I can’t seem to get started.  Instead, I end up on the computer in a self-rewarding loop of surfing sites like this one!

    I know the meds don’t help everyone equally, but when I read some ADD/ADHD peoples’ life-altering improvement on the meds, I hope that I am diagnosed so that I can have a chance at that, too.  The thought of being the way I am and not getting the diagnosis leaves me feeling such despair, that I don’t even have that explanation for why I am the way I am.

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    in reply to: Head full of nothing #126231

    squirrelygirl
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    I just remembered, I really hate the sound of babies/children crying – brings up very negative , angry emotions.  I chose not to have children.  Do regular-minded people feel differently on that sound?  Triggers nurturing rather than anger?

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    in reply to: Head full of nothing #126230

    squirrelygirl
    Member
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    I haven’t been diagnosed but have an appointment beginning of December…I have always had a hard time hearing conversations in loud restaurants to the point of having my hearing tested, only to find it was ok.  So, in those environments, I “check out” and my mind goes a-wandering, further increasing my social isolation.   I hadn’t thought about my sensitivities much until suspecting I have ADD.  I do hate my hands getting wet/goey. Oddly, I enjoy baths because I’ll have a glass of wine and read a good book while soaking, but if I am only taking showers (during the summer) I will go as many days as I can stand without taking one because I just hate getting wet and then having to get dried off again.  The hot water in the shower feels good, but it’s the being wet afterwards that I hate.

    I also noticed a strange bird call, not that it bothered me but I obsessed on it because it sounded like a whimpering dog (and I love dogs…); I would hear that darn bird and it would distract me, while at the same time no one else could hear it until I helped them focus in on it, including my husband!

    I don’t have too many sensations that bother me overall, but my mother is an identical twin, and she and her sister hate fruits and many vegetables because of the texture!  I don’t mind them, though.

    Speaking of dogs, my dogs are barking right now and that does send me up the wall.  They’re outside barking at our horses on the fence line, and my female in particular that has a bark that  drives me crazy, like my nerves are grating, makes me angry and almost violent to her.  I love my dogs but that noise is one aspect that I could really do without!  I can see why some neighbors go crazy over peoples’ dogs barking too much – maybe they suffer from ADHD, too!   Thankfully, I’m in the country and don’t have neighbors close enough to care!  Perfect environment for me LOL!

    It’s interesting to think about.  Justinac, I hope you find a solution to help you.  I like the idea of the ear plugs.

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    in reply to: Never ending ADD humor #126164

    squirrelygirl
    Member
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    I’m impressed with everyones’ memories about their ADD moments.  One of my problems is that my memory is horrible in that today I had a conversation with my husband about eating the leftover Panda Express for lunch, and then 45 minutes later I was sitting there trying to remember what I had for lunch!  He asked me what was wrong, and I said I couldn’t remember what I had or IF I had had lunch!  He reminded me of the Panda Express, but boy, when that happens I seriously wonder if it isn’t Alzheimers!

    I’ve gone on rampage searches of the house only to have someone point out that they’re on my head!

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    in reply to: Lack of Direction #126163

    squirrelygirl
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    robynshnobyn, I TOTALLY related to what you wrote.  I have never discovered my life’s passion and have never been a career person.  Not working currently and feeling lots of shame about that.  At 49, don’t have much of a resume to get a job and am not sure what I want to do with my life, but feeling unsatisfied.  Not of the mind-set to work at Walmart.

    One of my insecurities is about the fact that I don’t retain information well and so have a hard time speaking articulately about any subject matter, and the notion of interviewing terrifies me.  I have terrible social anxiety on top of the ADD.

    Like most of us, I gather, I only feel knowledgeable about things I have gotten hyperfocused on.  I had my own dog-training business for about 15 years because of that, but I was horrible at self-promotion and was a “do as I say not as I do” trainer because I didn’t have the focus or interest with my own dogs to make them exceptional examples of my work.

    I guess how our families treated us and our issues as kids has a lot to do with it.  Bravo for Scattybird’s mom trouncing those teachers!  In our family, we were expected to get A’s without fanfare, just what you do, and you’d hear about it when you did less than, so I was a pretty high-functioning student until college, when things really got away from me.

    I just wish it would come to me in a dream:  “such and such” is what you’re meant to do and will fit perfectly with your ADD and you will be very successful!

    Do you have any hobbies?  Anything that you truly enjoy doing?  Maybe ideas can be suggested with that as a starting point.

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