Re: Spouse of (potentially, but most likely) ADHD son and husband

[jpsimard]

Hello Greta,

It is entirely possible that your husband might have ADD/ADHD, just from what you’ve described. That being said, I’m a professional musician, and not a psychiatrist. I’d like to take a stab at answering your questions, at least from my own limited experience.

1) There has to be people out there feeling the same way. I wouldn’t doubt that AT ALL.

2) Your second question is more of an (un-stated) two parter. Given the stigma that “mental illness” has, I wouldn’t be too surprised if your mother in law is entirely biased against it. Why would someone want to think that their child has a “defect”. (I disagree, and feel it is a gift, not a defect!)

As for approaching your husband on this…. this is delicate, and hard, and if it is anything like what happened to me… it’s going to be difficult. My girlfriend (of eight years) approached me TWICE on the subject of getting evaluated. The first time I said flat out “No!” and I was -incredibly- upset that she could possibly think that I have this “defect.” The second time… she was so earnest, almost heart breakingly so, that I said that I would -consider- it. I then forgot about it (COMMON ADD/ADHD PROBLEM!) until one night, I was channel surfing and my curiosity alighted me on ADD and LOVING IT?! From that, I took the test on this site… and the rest is history. I should also add that this all occured within the last three months or so.

So my advice to you, based only on MY LIMITED EXPERIENCE would be to work on your relationship with your husband. After five years of obvious strain, any approach you would make MIGHT seem like an attack on him. (Based on my own bias, here). The only reason I was able to hear what my girlfriend had to say is that we were actively working on improving our relationship. I’d HIGHLY RECOMMEND that you follow Dr. Ned’s advice from this blog post:

http://totallyadd.com/20-marriage-tips-from-dr-ned-hallowell/

NOW. All of that being said, with my add rant complete… I think the easiest way to approach your husband is through your son. I’m not saying that you use your son as a pawn, but you might want to talk to your family physician about your son, and about your concerns about him. If the process leads to a diagnosis you’ll be saving your son a whole lifetime worth of “issues”, and as a part of the assessment process, they’ll want to talk to your husband. Every parent loves their child without question, and I feel like that MIGHT be a good way to get him at least to open his mind about it.

That being said, we ADDers are an observant bunch with a brain that runs like a Ferrari. Approach this as honestly as you can, and I’d start by working on the marriage.

Love,

Justin

REPORT ABUSE