Awesome man. The ‘normal-ness’ of the messages in here overwhelms me some days. Reading the thoughts of another human that is on the same path, facing the same issues, that understands reality the same way I do is very reassuring and provides more insight into me. I’m also sad that things couldn’t be worked out between you and (your wife). 
My wife and I are skating this line and I never know from one day to another which way it’ll go. For years there had been things that ‘bugged me’. Clutter, disorganization, not communicating clearly, and making most issues my issue. I’m too picky, cranky, controlling, moody and this is why these things bother me, so relax and get over it. When I finally started connecting the dots about ADD and me, I also got better at understanding the cause/effect for these things that ‘bugged me’. They were key to keeping my life on track and she was undermining me. I’m not an organized person, but I need to be organized and I need help being organized, I figured my wife would want to help, I figured wrong. For her it was/is inconvenient and requires that she change the way she does things, thinks, plans…because she has too. Accepting that you have to change is never easy, when you are doing it for yourself or for someone else if the motivation isn’t there it won’t happen. Denial is still her biggest issue imho but it is getting better. Denial that she has in fact contributed to every issue by ignoring me, dismissing the need for her to change, that her perspective was not as altruistic as she would have liked to believe.
In trying to fix “Us” she asked if seeing a marriage councilor would be something I thought would help. I responded yes, but only after you figure out your issues, as long as this is about fixing me it won’t work. It needs to be about fixing us and while her intentions were good, without understanding why she can’t or won’t make changes herself things will not get better. I finally got through to her and she has been to a couple appointments to explore what makes her tick, why she resents making change, and to learn more about us.
It’s odd how people react, buffer themselves and deny that they have in anyway knowingly done things out of spite to cause hurt and pain because they are so afraid to change. My wife even told me she figured it was manipulation on my part to get her to do things that needed to get done. After 14 years we still don’t have a curtain in the house that didn’t come with the house. It is important to me that we get this done, it is a job she said she would do, it is something I have offered to help with, I’ve had her mom and my sister over at various time so they could help, she just won’t get over what ever it is that has been there for 14 years and get it done. What is in her way you ask? She picked out curtains at a low end department store that were not as suitable to the room as she thought once she got them home, I agreed that they sucked and for 14 yrs this has provided and excuse to stop any and all progress for ANY input, changes, or even ideas from my wife.
She is working on it, my jaded self doesn’t believe anything will change because history doesn’t provide much evidence that she tries at anything important. It’s much easier I think for her to keep saying “I failed because of you.” rather then failing in spite of doing everything she could. I don’t know where we’re going, or if the wounds we both have can heal while we are together or if staying together is the only way to get them to really heal.
Good luck
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